Laughs

Why Everyone {Except Me} Should Have at Least Four Kids

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My friend Amanda shared a theory with me shortly after my oldest was born.

Find out why having at least four kids is the best strategy for parents.

It seems like a pretty solid theory: Why every woman should have at least four kids…

If you have just one child, then he has no one to play with. How sad – an only child growing up without a playmate.

If you have two kids, then you’re just like everyone else. And no one feels sorry for you.

Your house is a mess? It shouldn’t be – you only have two kids. Get it together!

Your kids are acting like crazy people at the grocery store? Eye rolls and judgement – you only have two kids – control them.

You never lost your extra 100 pounds of pregnancy weight? COME ON – you only have two kids, fatty!!

If you have three kids, then you have a middle child. And you never want to have a middle child. (Think of the therapy bills!)

But if you have four kids, then you have a free pass for everything.

You look like hell? Of course you do – you have four kids!

You weigh 800 pounds? Hell yes you do – you have four children!

Your house is a mess? Yes, it is – and we have some volunteers scheduled to come help you clean it and do some laundry too.

Your kids are running around like terrorists at the grocery store? Honey, you have your hands full. You take your kids right on out to the car, and I’ll pay for your groceries and deliver them to you. Poor thing.

And that is why YOU should have four children.

As for me – I felt like two kids was a lot. And three kids feels like a lot too.

And every time I think that maybe a fourth wouldn’t be so bad, I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table and remember why I’m never going to be pregnant again. Ever.

So I’m just fine having a middle child, thank you very much.