Listen – I’m going to let you in on a little secret that I have tried to deny for nearly 20 years.
A quick note to my Mom: I know you hate it when I use the word sucks, but there’s just no other word for February. Well – there are a few – but I think you would dislike them a whole lot more than sucks, so we’re going with it.
There should be a lot of things to love about February.
It’s a short month.
I’m obsessed with Groundhog’s day.
Valentine’s Day is always fun, and two of my kids were BORN in February – so seriously – what’s not to love a out this month?
Well – everything basically.
The weather is usually grey and cold – even though we think it should be spring.
It’s only 28 days, but it’s the longest 28 days of anyone’s life. It’s almost like you’re running a marathon that lasts for an entire 28 days. And I’ve run a marathon.
It wasn’t fun. It was painful, and I had to go to the bathroom allllll the time, and I got in a huge fight with my husband, and I wanted to quit, and I wasn’t even all that overjoyed when it was over because I was just DONE.
That is February.
But I think the worst part is that it creeps up on you. You get through the holidays, and it’s fun. January rolls around, and you have snow days and it’s still fun because everything is new and fresh. And then you’re like, “Spring is nearly here. This has been a good winter. We’re doing this!”
And then it’s February 3rd, and that’s when you realize that everything is bad. And it might be that way forever.
And the next thing you know you’re sitting at a brand new-to-you salon because you found someone that could squeeze you in THAT DAY, and you’re telling them to cut off 10 inches of your hair, and give you blue streaks because eff it.
In order to help all of us get through February from here on out, I’ve created a list of 28 things that no woman should ever EVER do in February. (I’ve also created a list of 28 things that we should be doing EVERY February.)
These are things that might be good decisions at any other time of the year, but not in February.
In February you cannot trust your judgement. Or your thoughts. Because they are not your thoughts. They are February’s thoughts. Got it?
Instead, you just need to print this out and read it every morning and maybe even get a February accountability friend that you can call when you’re thinking about getting a divorce or trying a little meth so that she can talk you out of it.
And then you can do the same for her the next day when she thinks that it would be a great idea to paint all of the ceilings in her house black.
And to all of you that have no clue what I’m talking about, who love February, or who just aren’t willing to admit that an entire month should not even exist, let me say that I’m super happy for you. Now move on. This post is not for you.
For the rest of us….
28 Things That Women Should NEVER (Ever) Do In February
- Cut your hair.
- Dye your hair (unless it’s to cover your grey roots and is part of your normal maintenance).
- Quit your job (unless it has already been planned for outside of the month of February).
- Get separated or divorced (again – unless it’s been a longtime coming).
- Break up with your boyfriend.
- Break up with your girlfriend.
- Eat your weight in ice cream. Every day. For 28 days.
- Or pizza.
- Take up a drug habit. If you want to start doing drugs, start on March 1. (KIDS – Don’t do drugs!)
- Start smoking (see #9). (KIDS – Don’t smoke!)
- Rage drive your car into someone else’s car or house.
- Participate in parent-teacher conferences alone. You cannot be trusted with a teacher this month. Don’t email them either.
- Watch Steel Magnolias or The Titanic or that movie with Ben Affleck where he gives some guy his plane ticket at the airport so that the guy can get home to see his wife and kids that night and then the plane crashes and the guy dies, and then Ben Affleck feels guilty, so he goes to console the wife and kids and apologize, but then he falls in love with them instead, and then he waits too long to tell them what happened and who he is, and then it’s just a giant slobbery, snotty mess on your face because it’s FEBRUARY and why are you watching that movie?
- Read The Cabin. Just don’t.
- Stop taking anti-anxiety or anti-depression meds (unless it was already planned for with your doctor.) February is a liar and will make you think that you will be fine without all of the things you’ve been doing for years to cope. February is wrong.
- Put your child up for adoption.
- Pick paint colors. (NO BLACK CEILINGS, OKAY?)
- Decide you hate your house and put it up for sale. Especially don’t do this if you haven’t talked it over with your husband. (See #4.)
- Straighten your hair permanently. I did this two years ago. I wish my February accountability friend would have just told me to wait until March 1.
- Perm your hair. (See #19.)
- Get any type of plastic surgery.
- Think that how you feel is really how you feel. It’s not how you feel. It’s how February feels, and as we’ve already discussed, she is not your friend.
- Hide under your bed and eat boxes of Pop Tarts. You might laugh at this, but really assess how you feel at 3 pm any single day in February, and most likely hiding under your bed and eating Pop Tarts is going to sound like it’s not a terrible idea. It is. Trust me.
- Put your real thoughts on social media. They’re not your thoughts. They are February’s thoughts. Put them away.
- Ignore your friends and family. Or maybe you should ignore them if you’re going to say the things you’re really thinking.
- Get rid of everything in your closet because you HATE IT. You don’t hate it. February hates it. March is going to love your closet.
- Stop parenting because you feel that your 9-year-old is going to act like that forever, and he’s a lost cause, so why even bother for the rest of his life? You don’t get to quit on your 9-year-old, even though it’s February, and we all want to quit everything.
- Get on WebMD. You don’t have cancer. You have February.
Print this. Read it. Send a copy to your February friend to hold each other accountable. WE WILL GET THROUGH THIS!