I am a great friend. Not in the traditional sense of being a great listener or dropping off baked goods “just because.”
I am a great friend because I work really, really hard at it. Here are a few of my tips…
#1 – I am an average-sized person.
Do you like hanging out with really skinny people that make you feel fat? Me neither.
That’s why I eat ho hos and bon bons on a daily basis. I never want to make my friends feel fat while they’re hanging out with me.
Sometimes I get a little too thin, and when I see this happening, I just eat more Crisco straight out of the can. It’s the least I can do for my friends.
#2 – I don’t do a great job cleaning my house.
When I invite friends over, I don’t go crazy cleaning my house. In fact, I try to mess it up a little.
I don’t know about you, but whenever I’m at someone’s house, and I see a little counter-top clutter, I feel more comfortable. And – a dirty toilet or fingerprints on the bathroom mirror? Thank the Lord – I feel like a normal person.
I work hard to make sure my house is never too clean for guests – and I can always count on Big Hairy Dog (or one of the kids) to make it smell like a giant fart, which I think is a nice touch.
#3 – I make sure my kids scream bloody murder while I’m on the phone.
This does one of two things for my friends. It either makes them feel totally normal when their kids are also screaming in the background. OR – it makes them feel like they are great mothers because their kids are NOT screaming in the background.
Either way – my friends don’t feel threatened by my greatness. (And sometimes they feel so bad for me that they send meals, which is a nice bonus.)
#4 – I burn dinner when I have dinner guests.
I have to be careful with this one, because I want to make sure that I can offer something edible. But I always make sure to royally mess up something – just to make everyone feel like great cooks themselves.
One Thanksgiving I purposely left the bag of guts inside the turkey and made a big show of taking it out of the cooked bird while we were at the dinner table. Everyone felt very good about themselves.
And remember the year everyone ate glass? On second thought – maybe I shouldn’t try quite so hard at this one.
#5 – I never look too put together.
My natural instinct is to look amazing every single day. So before I leave the house, I try to mess myself up a little bit so that no one feels dumpy when they’re with me.
Sometimes I smear a little baby poop on my pants or on my shirt. I tore holes into the knees of my jeans.
One day at the mall, the entire front wheel came flying off my stroller – which just made everyone around me feel totally at ease. Who wants to hang out with someone who has it totally together? Not me!
How do you strive to be a good friend?