You’re a Better Mom than Me

By  | 

I have some good news for you today.

It has officially been confirmed that you are a better mom than I am.

Even if you don’t have kids.

Or if you’re a man.

I know you’ve been suspecting this for some time, but it is now 100% official.

In fact, it became official nearly two months ago, but I was so mortified by my horrendous parenting that it has taken me this long to even fess up to what happened.

Two months ago, I woke up in the morning and said to Even Steven, “Wow. I had such a weird dream last night. It was so random.”

Even Steven

Even Steven:

Me: Do you want to hear about it?

Even Steven:

Me: I dreamt that Miles came into our room in the middle of the night and said he had a bloody nose.

Even Steven:

Me: That was the entire dream. He said he had a bloody nose. And then I think I was talking to Martha Stewart about how to fold a perfect fitted sheet.

Even Steven:

As soon as I finished telling Even Steven about my admittedly boring dream, I looked down and saw something on our sheets.


A lot of blood.

All over the side of our bed.

Right at a 5-year-old’s nose level.

I jumped out of bed and followed the blood trail into the kids’ bathroom. There was blood on the floor.

A bloody washcloth on the counter.

Even a little blood on the toilet seat.

I continued to follow the blood trail straight into Miles’s room.

Where I found more blood.

On his pillow.

On his sheets.

On his pajamas.

And there – next to his bed – was an open tub of Vaseline.

Apparently my dream wasn’t a dream at all.

Miles had a bloody nose in the middle of the night. And when that sweet, innocent, bleeding child came into my room to ask for help, I lifted my head up off my pillow and said…

“Go get yourself a washcloth. Clean it up. Put some Vaseline on your nose and go back to bed.”

Yes – you read that correctly.

I sent my sweet baby to clean up his own bloody nose all by himself in the middle of the night.

And then I promptly rolled over and fell back into a sound sleep.

The good news is that Miles doesn’t appear to be scarred that I wasn’t there to help him.

Or that I never showed up to check on him.

Or that even the sight of blood wasn’t enough to get me out of bed.

(Although I’m sure he’ll be sharing a different story on his future blog one day, amiright?)

When Even Steven eventually followed the blood trail and realized that my boring dream was, in fact, a nightmare – he was shocked – and officially declared me the worst mother ever.

I wear my title proudly.

My mother taught me a long time ago that the secret to success is to keep expectations as low as possible. Which means that if I ever do bother to get out of bed for one of Miles’s bloody noses in the future – it will be a really special occasion – and he will appreciate it that much more.

I also think this entire incident means that it’s time for Even Steven to take his turn sleeping closest to the door!


  1. Lynn from For Love or Funny

    October 7, 2013 at 6:07 am

    Oh, Anna! Perhaps you are the “most tired” mom in the world, not the worst! I hope your son is okay… 🙂

  2. Kathy at kissing the frog

    October 7, 2013 at 6:46 am

    Oh, this story will be told at every holiday, every family gathering, even at your funeral probably. Way to go, mom!

    Seriously, something I would do lately, too, though. I used to be a super light sleeper and Hubby slept like a stone, but now it has shifted. Our bed is a revolving door of kids lately, and I have no idea they’ve been in there while Hubby hears it all. The other morning, after I had been gone the evening before, I asked Hubby how our 2yo got the cut on his nose. Hubby said because he had fallen out of our the night before. I said, “He fell out of our bed??!!” Apparently, I just reached over, plopped him back in, and went right back to sleep. So I’ll take the worst mom of the year right with you, Anna.

  3. Janine Huldie

    October 7, 2013 at 6:53 am

    Not the worst mom ever trust me and I agree with Lynn just a tired mom and believe me I think we could all end up sleeping right through something like that or worse, because we just don’t stop all day long and by bed time all we want to do is sleep without some little person waking us up for something. I totally feel for you on this and don’t beat yourself up too badly for this because like I said we all have this capability.

  4. Maribeth Bastian

    October 7, 2013 at 6:57 am

    Don’t beat yourself up too badly; we moms would all like to have a few “do-overs.” I hope E. S. didn’t really say that to you, though–that’s hurtful. You’re a good mom! Thank you for sharing so transparently.

  5. thedoseofreality

    October 7, 2013 at 7:12 am

    Noses bleed a lot…so the amount of blood is not always akin to the severity of the situation…or at least that is what I have always told myself anyway! Not that I have done this or anything! 😉

  6. Kellie

    October 7, 2013 at 7:18 am

    He will tell this story every chance he gets as an adult. My husband likes to remind his mom that he walked around with a broken arm for three days before she took him to a doctor because she didn’t think it was that bad.

  7. Queeamaof3

    October 7, 2013 at 7:18 am

    Yup! Worst mom ever! Just kidding. Those middle of the night wakings are hard to deal with. My oldest used to get frequent, horrible migraines in the night. After the initial vomiting and sobbing in pain I’d ask him if I could go back to bed. He’d opt to sleep on the hard, cold tile bathroom floor. But I always brought him a blanket and pillow:-)

  8. Michelle

    October 7, 2013 at 8:28 am

    It’s exhaustion. The last 3 nights my husband says he’s been up with our son coughing and choking. I didn’t hear a thing… and not the “let him deal with it tonight” not hearing, I actually didn’t hear, which scared the crap out of me.

  9. Tara YKIHAYHT

    October 7, 2013 at 8:55 am

    I think after years of not sleeping when they are babies, our bodies finally decide to let us sleep when they are older. From what I hear, we go back to not sleeping when they are teenagers. Crap. You can’t be the worst mother ever, I already have that title locked up 🙂 xo

  10. Abby

    October 7, 2013 at 11:15 am

    Considering I heard a mom in the store tell her kid to put the bananas back because she wanted to buy cigarettes, I think you’re FAR from winning the worst mom award. But I’ll add that I grew up a kid who got nose bleeds all. the. time. It got to the point where my mom would just throw me a rag, an ice pack and told me to go through the drill.

    I lived to tell the tale AND know how to cure nosebleeds 😉

  11. Rorybore

    October 7, 2013 at 12:46 pm

    I had a girlfriend once complain — over a very high bar tab I might add – about not having money for Christmas presents for her kids. Honey — you are not even in the running for worst mom ever!
    My son gets nose bleeds all the time too – I think the first time my hubby told him what to do and may have helped him a few times after – but then he was on his own because it was seriously several times a week and I was already nursing a baby several times a night at that point.
    And you know, if I didn’t think all those nose bleeds were a result from Constantly Picking His Nose!!!! hello!!! I might have had more sympathy to jump out of bed.
    Although, I am the mom that has put a towel over the pee spot in my toddler’s bed in the middle of the night, rather turn on the lights and risk waking her sleeping sister. not sure my opinion will make you feel better. LOL

  12. Chris

    October 7, 2013 at 1:04 pm

    You’re not the worst mom; you have the best kid! Seriously, there’s no way I’d ever sleep through a bloody nose, and not because I’m SuperMom. But because neither of my kids would stop poking me (the older one) or shrieking in hysterics (the younger one) until the bloody nose was fully resolved.

  13. Kathryn

    October 7, 2013 at 3:33 pm

    That’s hilarious. I sleep walk like a Captain McCrazy and have had something similar but with poop.
    Thanks for the laugh!

  14. Ashlee

    October 7, 2013 at 4:15 pm

    My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to bid on something for him on eBay… I woke up with an email letting me know I won. I had no memory of bidding or purchasing the item.

  15. Dona

    October 7, 2013 at 5:01 pm

    You aren’t bad…’re brilliant! You are teaching your child how to take care of himself! Next time he has a bloody nose, he won’t even have to bother you. He’ll just grab a wash cloth and the Vaseline and take care of it. My granddaughter had them all the time when she was young and she learned quickly how to take care of it! So, young lady! You deserve Mom of the Year for raising a self-sufficient child! Dona

  16. AJ Collins

    October 7, 2013 at 7:32 pm

    No worries… my 8 year old came into my room last night because she had a nightmare… but I didn’t hear her try to wake me up. So when she leaned over me and touched my face I woke up to a little face peering into my face from 10 inches a way I yelled out “HOLY CRAP!” – she jumped and giggled and apologized and then told me she had a nightmare. It gets fuzzy here… I think I prayed with her and patted her and sent her back to bed. GREAT mom. 😉 Didn’t even go tuck her in… I don’t think…

  17. Kristin @ OneOrganicMama

    October 7, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    My husband routinely yells at the kids in his sleep (one time “helping” my son use the bathroom at 2 am I heard “YOU HAVE TO SUBMIT YOUR REPORTS” – I ran into the bathroom and sent my husband to bed – my poor 3 year old said, “Mommy, I was just trying to go potty.” Happens to the best of us… and the most sleep deprived!

  18. Romy

    October 7, 2013 at 9:57 pm

    Kristin’s comment cracked me up! You are not a bad Mom. I’ve woken up to kids in my bed and don’t remember putting them there! This may sound like a common thing, but our kids’ room is blocked by a gate because it is at the top of the stairs and they can’t get over it. So, at some point I got them and put them there. I agree with the comment that you are teaching your child independence!

  19. Department of Child Services

    October 7, 2013 at 10:55 pm

    One strike…

  20. Joce Lyne

    October 7, 2013 at 11:19 pm

    u’re not the worst MoM!!
    we all have been there and done similar things…
    i cant tell u how many times my kids come in and talk to me when i am out cold…it’s hard to get up sometimes…especially when u think it’s part of a dream…just like u thought!
    i don’t think u scarred him, at all…he is OK and that’s what matters 🙂

  21. Amy

    October 8, 2013 at 12:04 am

    The spot closest to the door is the worst. Thank you for helping me realize I have the power to change it! Implementing a rotation schedule ASAP.

  22. Jenn @ Something Clever 2.0

    October 8, 2013 at 9:23 am

    Oh, that SO sounds like something that would happen to me!

  23. Cris at Mom The Pirate

    October 8, 2013 at 2:49 pm

    You most certainly are not the worst mom! And may I suggest Nature’s Miracle for cleaning up the blood.

  24. Kyle Anne

    October 8, 2013 at 3:05 pm

    OMG–hilarious. Not The Worst Mom, though. We once drove eight hours to our cabin where, once there our 5 year old began to puke every once and awhile. No temperature, she seemed fine and okay except when she was puking. I set her up in front of the television with a bowl, telling her to call when she puked. We went out on the deck, 10 steps away, and I had a couple of glasses of wine to relax after the drive. Needless to say, she was fine the next day and doesn’t remember that night at all (she’s 10 now). I, on the other hand, still am guilt ridden about my need to relax overtaking my mother-hovering over a sick child.

  25. Candice

    October 8, 2013 at 3:08 pm

    I’m laughing so hard I’m crying!

  26. Elizabeth

    October 8, 2013 at 3:13 pm

    For real? Child Services wouldn’t give two shits about this story!!

  27. Kathi

    October 8, 2013 at 3:20 pm

    Bahhhhaahaa!! You’ve done it again. Made me laugh hard like a crazy woman here all by myself. At least you woke up long enough to instruct him and you now know that he listens to instructions well.

  28. My Special Kind of Crazy

    October 8, 2013 at 3:23 pm

    HAHAHA! I might have you beat. MAYBE. Though no blood was involved.
    Christmas Eve my then 5 month old was STILL congested so I called the dr’s to see if we could give her some over the counter stuff. They insisted on seeing her at the dr’s. Now, it was CHRISTMAS EVE and I had presents to wrap, and we had to be at a friends house at 4pm and then dinner with my parents at 7pm…I didn’t have TIME to take her to the dr’s. So I sent Pi because C’MON man! She’s got a runny nose! And after a couple of hours of not hearing from him I am pretty angry that we are clearly going to be late- if not miss altogether- the get together at my friends house.
    Then I get the call: “So, we are headed to the ER because her oxygen levels are really low and she’s really sick.”
    WFT!? Here’s my baby, sick enough to LAND IN THE HOSPITAL and I had my husband take her to the dr’s because I was too busy WRAPPING PRESENTS!!!
    Never felt worse in my life….

  29. Department of Child Services

    October 8, 2013 at 3:50 pm

    Please reinstall your sarcasm detector. This is why women are generally unfunny, by the way.

  30. Marianne

    October 8, 2013 at 4:00 pm

    Anna, u r def not the worst mom ever…it happens…stuff we wish we could take back…that’s s a Take back event. BUT the good thing is that your son will be able to take care of himself next time…and please let me reasure you…THAT is a GOOD THING! 🙂 Plus…men are more freaked out about stuf like that… I had a time when Axel was jusr about 1 1/2..learning to “run”…I was sitting on our bed (middle) and he “walked” towards me (from his dad in the doorway) and fell and hit his head on the corner of the bed and sliced his eyebrow open…needless to say his dad panicked! “hurry hurry we have to get him to the ER!!!”…I stayed clam..took him into the bathroom, washed off the area with hydrogen peroxide, made a couple of butterfly’s, and clamly called my dad (who’s an MD) and asked him what to do…” is there any bone showing?” “no” “are the butterfly’sstopping the bleeding?” “yes” “then you did what they would have done in the ER. YOu did fine”… I should have been a frikin’ plastic surgon…no scar! 🙂 can’t even tell it happened…kept my head on…so ur not the worst mom ever! <3 ya!

  31. Jessica F.

    October 8, 2013 at 4:33 pm

    Hi.lar.ious. Isn’t your mom the worst ever, Anna? Wouldn’t that mean overthrowing her reign? Isn’t that kinda rude? Lol! I love you! And your mom! And your family that you love so much! I probly love your brother more tho. I mean, he DID do a TEDtalk. Kind of a big deal. 🙂

  32. Carolyn

    October 8, 2013 at 5:08 pm


  33. Tracie

    October 8, 2013 at 7:01 pm

    I prefer the term Mother of the Year. When we first got a minivan i left my oldest of 3a few times. i figured he was laying down in the back seat and would get a call about halfway home to come back and get him. That was 10 years ago and at 17 he still likes to remind me of it!

  34. Tiffers

    October 8, 2013 at 7:27 pm

    Man..that reminds me of the time i peed the bed when i was six. I had fallen asleep in the car and was put to bed in my clothes. Well I woke up and was wet, didn’t want my mom mad so i went to the bathroom and got the hairdryer…and began drying my pissed pants. My mom comes in asks me what I’m doing.. I tell her..she says “ok”and stumbles back to bed. I then put on my dried pissed pants and went back to bed….. Wtheck LoL

  35. EmmaK

    October 8, 2013 at 7:45 pm

    lol too funny! I don’t think you’re a bad mom at all. I think I would have cleared up the blood though maybe only because blood leaves such bad stains that I’d want to deal with the mess on the sheets etc.

  36. The Shitastrophy

    October 8, 2013 at 11:27 pm

    That’s my motto – set that bar as low as possible, when you rise above it the moment is so much more. I typically follow this for cooking, but I have been known to sleep through some vomiting kids – so I can’t judge.

  37. deneen

    October 9, 2013 at 5:11 pm

    well, i guess at some point they do have to learn to fix their problems! i’m sure you were just so exhausted you couldnt function! (notice how the child goes to the mother but not the father in the middle of the night? i nevr understood why … bahahahahaha!)

  38. Robbie

    October 13, 2013 at 11:07 pm

    oh no! Rest assured we all have our moments. One of mine ended with my daughter in the ER.

  39. Pingback: Tips and Tricks for Tired Moms

  40. Amy

    October 14, 2013 at 9:41 am

    Are you still cleaning up blood? And Vaseline smears?

  41. Katie

    October 14, 2013 at 11:17 am

    This is hilarious! I could definitely see me doing this. >.<

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