My Life

What’s Ailing You? You Can Tell Me

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One of my all-time favorite hobbies is diagnosing myself and my friends with potentially life-threatening illnesses.

I’m no doctor – but I rarely miss an episode of Grey’s Anatomy, I have access to the internet, and I have a vivid imagination to go along with it.

Your glands are swollen? I’m sorry to say that you probably have African Sleeping Sickness. It starts with mild symptoms, followed shortly by mental confusion and alternating periods of mania and insomnia. Extreme sleepiness and coma occur before death (which could happen within a few weeks of those swollen glands).

You think you just have a few blisters? Ummm… maybe. But maybe you have Flesh-Eating Bacteria. Those blisters will progress to shock, kidney failure and possibly death if left untreated. Definitely go to the ER if you have blisters and a sore throat.

Packing on the pounds? It might be due to the holidays… or you could have Dercum’s Disease. It’s a progressive condition most often found in middle-aged women. Painful fatty deposits cover the arms, legs and torso – resulting in an obese appearance. There’s no known cure or treatment – and if you’re somehow lucky and don’t die from it – the fatty deposits leave behind massive skin folds.

Thanks to a gift from a crazy friend of mine, I now have a one-stop resource for all of the things that could kill me.

This is by far one of the best gifts I have ever received!

The Complete Manual of Things That Might Kill You is full of potentially fatal illnesses categorized by symptom. Each illness is ranked on a 4-point scale by Contagion, Pain, Suffering and how likely it is to kill you.

AND – there are great extras like the four insects most likely to spread infection (the mosquito is one of them) and the top 10 types of medical errors (that could end up killing you.)

So – throughout the week, please leave a comment or post on my Facebook wall with your ailments. If I hear from enough people, then I’ll put together a post for Friday with a diagnosis for what’s ailing you – and how likely it is to kill you. Won’t this be fun!?!

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1 Comment

  1. 'Becca

    October 19, 2011 at 4:46 pm

    I used to do that kind of self-diagnosis with the Childcraft Guide for Parents when I was a kid! 🙂

    Seriously, I'm interested in seeing if you can diagnose this: Every once in a while, I feel a sudden itch so intense it's almost painful, usually on my thigh but sometimes another place. When I scratch it, there's a sort of trickling feeling. Then the next time I look at the skin, I have a big patch of tiny purple dots.

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