Laughs

The Night I Learned That I’m Not Sexy

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You know how some people are really, really pretty – but they don’t know it? I had always assumed that’s how it was with me and overall sexiness.

I figured I was probably crazy sexy, I just didn’t realize it – and no one had ever bothered to tell me because they figured that I knew.

That is, until one night in college when I knew – without a doubt – that I was NOT sexy, and probably never would be.

The realization came after reading an article in Glamour magazine about how to be sexy. It seemed easy enough, and I decided to test out one of their tips that very night.

Even Steven and I were at a bar with some friends, when I excused myself to use the restroom.

Taking the magazine’s advice, I took off my underwear (oh yes – I did). And then I walked back to Even Steven, and I slipped them into his hand.

Now – what this fab article could have pointed out was that you should be wearing sexy underwear when you do this. Something black, lacy – a thong maybe?

Unfortunately, I was wearing my absolute favorite most comfortable pair of granny panties – in beige. They were amazing. I loved them. And I wore them as often as I possibly could.

I gave my husband my underwear

My attempt to slip my underwear in his hand didn’t go as I had planned. My briefs were so large, that they could not be confined to a single hand – it took two.

“What am I supposed to do with these?” he asked.

“I wore them here,” I said in my huskiest voice. “I just slipped them off in the bathroom.”

I winked.

“Well – what am I supposed to do with them now? They’re HUGE!”

“Put them in your pocket,” I suggested.

But they didn’t fit in his pocket. And while the magazine hadn’t spelled out exact steps for this situation, I was pretty sure that going back into the bathroom to put them back on wasn’t “sexy.”

So I swished over to the trash can and threw them away while puckering my lips at Even Steven and trying to look mysterious.

Then I grabbed some straws from the bar and showed all his friends how to make farting noises.

42 Comments

  1. Lori

    October 2, 2012 at 7:53 am

    Your blog makes me laugh, I mean laugh out funny! So glad I found it!

  2. Jenn @ My {Not So} Glamorous Life

    October 2, 2012 at 7:59 am

    LMBO!! Sounds pretty hot to me, hahaha!

  3. Stephanie

    October 2, 2012 at 8:14 am

    I am sad for you that you had to throw them away. A good pair of granny panties is hard to find!

  4. Beth L.

    October 2, 2012 at 8:33 am

    Bwah hah hah! I just bought new Granny Panties for the first time since college at my husbands request 😉

  5. Diane

    October 2, 2012 at 8:37 am

    O.M.G. I just had to say thank you for starting my morning with a giggle! You always make me laugh.

  6. Kristin C.

    October 2, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Laughing out loud here at work! Hopefully everyone’s too busy to notice, lol. Love this though and definitely hits the mark with me!

  7. Krista

    October 2, 2012 at 10:00 am

    That is HILARIOUS!!! I love your blog!

  8. Dana {craftedniche}

    October 2, 2012 at 10:17 am

    Tears in my eyes. You KILL me!

  9. Kymm

    October 2, 2012 at 10:54 am

    You are hilarious! Truly one of the highlights of my week when I see your posts in my inbox! As usual this one had me laughing myself to tears. Each week on my blog I do a Friday Funny and write about something that had me laughing that week. I think I may need to link it up to this post if you don’t mind!
    http://www.willworkforeskimokisses.com

  10. Pam in IL

    October 2, 2012 at 11:53 am

    Thanks for giving me a reason to laugh today!

  11. Emily

    October 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    OMG! This is too funny! You have the best blog.

  12. Kim @ Plumberry Pie

    October 2, 2012 at 12:21 pm

    You are so funny, I can’t handle it! This is awesome. I love me a good granny panty, I do. Tried the thong world several times and just can’t get past the feeling of the wedgie!

  13. [email protected]

    October 2, 2012 at 1:00 pm

    Love the granny pants. I feel the same way about shoes. I don’t have sexy shoes. I try on those stiletto heels and just feel goofy wearing them. Goofy people have no business in Jimmy Choos. A girl’s got to know her limitations.

  14. imklvr

    October 2, 2012 at 3:07 pm

    Oh, girl…you crack me up! You crack EVERYONE up! The next book may have to have a PG 13 rating…at least! But ya gotta quit GIVING these chapers away!!! I think you can devote a whole section to your college years. Yeah! And then……..

  15. Mom

    October 2, 2012 at 3:13 pm

    Oh dear! a whole section devoted to her college years? Don’t know if I could survive that one…..I have a special Mom reality that is slowly being torn down by a blog post here a blog post there…..I am somewhat horrified on a weekly basis.

  16. alyssa

    October 2, 2012 at 3:37 pm

    Hahaha! I love your stories Anna, please keep them coming! And congratulations on your latest ebook!:)

  17. holley

    October 2, 2012 at 3:41 pm

    Oh my! I laughed soooo hard! You are too funny. That was one of the best stories I have read in a long time

  18. Carpool Goddess

    October 2, 2012 at 3:42 pm

    Love this story! And your mom’s comment. Hilarious!

  19. Cassie

    October 2, 2012 at 4:50 pm

    oh Lordy, Anna, I love your momma. She’s awesome! This is a great story, but definitely not mom-safe lol!

  20. Sue

    October 2, 2012 at 7:36 pm

    Bwahahahahaha. Awesome.

    Not sexy? Honey you rock those granny panties!

  21. imklvr

    October 2, 2012 at 9:08 pm

    Oh, Mom! Bless your heart! I didn’t think about how this effects you! But think of it this way…when she finally writes that book, and becomes rich and famous, you’ll be able to afford any kind of therapy you need or want. Personally, I prefer “retail therapy”….but the choice will be yours! Dona

  22. Kristy

    October 2, 2012 at 9:45 pm

    Holy crap I’mma pee myself!!! This is HILARIOUS!!!!!!! I’m totally sharing with everyone! I LOVE IT!!!!

  23. Steph at I'm Still Learning

    October 2, 2012 at 9:47 pm

    Oh no you didn’t! That’s hysterical. And he married you anyway. What a guy.

  24. Jenna

    October 3, 2012 at 7:55 am

    Oh my, this story is too funny! I’m so glad that I found your blog!

  25. Suburban Snapshots

    October 3, 2012 at 8:54 pm

    You ARE sexy, you were just a little naive at the time. Go with it.

  26. susan

    October 3, 2012 at 9:31 pm

    Oh wow. I did this in a dream and I woke up in tears. It woke up hubby and I told him and we started laughing so hard we couldn’t stop…

    I’m so glad mine was just a dream.

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  28. cyndy

    October 4, 2012 at 7:13 am

    omg this is GREAT! love it!
    now I’m singing “I’m NOT sexy and I know it” in my head, hahahha.

  29. Casey

    October 4, 2012 at 12:34 pm

    I loved this post so much I included it in my bi-weekly series, Lots of Link Love! This post had me CRACKING up!!

    I hope you’ll check it out, and share with your readers!

    http://www.stresscasey.blogspot.com/2012/10/lots-of-link-love.html

    -Casey

  30. Elle

    October 5, 2012 at 9:50 am

    I am actually laughing out loud in my cubicle, which I am sure is not okay. Mostly bc I too was a victim of the previously mentioned article. My approach was slightly more strategic. Realizing a head of time that I am not in fact sexy, I though t may just maybe it could be a learned behavior. So… I bought new black lace things in size extra small (which i do not wear) as “stunt panties” and I absolutely sprayed them like 10 times with his fav perfume! This way I didn’t have to take off the ones I was wearing I could just pretend. So I went to the ladies room and slipped them into his laptop bag on my way back to the table, soooo smooth! Perfect surprise for him at the office tomorrow, am I right? So we go to leave the restaurant and get to the car and I realize OMG he forgot his laptop bag at the bar! Wrong. That was not his laptop bag. That was the last time I tried to be sexy. And in case you were wondering I def went running back in to retreive them… panties are not cheap!

  31. Laura

    October 9, 2012 at 7:09 pm

    You’re hilarious! love you:)

  32. Abby

    October 9, 2012 at 8:36 pm

    Love it. I have a few I could share–I am ridiculously not sexy at all–but I’ll just go with the time I tried to be all “Flashdance” and slip my bra off through my shirt sleeve. The hook got caught on a string and then caught in my hair so it was like I was in a naughty noose or something. Lovely.

  33. Jill Frank

    October 9, 2012 at 9:20 pm

    OMG! I loved this the first time around I had to share it on my FB page. Lots of laughs that day. I just had to look again at the comments after the updated FB post. Elle and Abby, you both made me laugh again. I hope I didn’t wake the kids! I am SOOO not sexy, and never even tried to be. Good for you for trying!

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  36. Victoria Keen

    January 23, 2013 at 12:35 am

    I just had to scissor-step to the bathroom. I love it. How have I lasted this long without finding your blog? I thought I had reached the end of the interwebz.

  37. WSW

    January 24, 2013 at 1:59 am

    Sitting in my cubicle laughing so hard.
    Also little sad you had to throw a perfectly good panty away!

  38. Pingback: I Should Have Felt the Breeze | My Life and Kids

  39. Meeka

    November 17, 2013 at 3:08 am

    Hilarious!! Is it sad I have a similar story 🙂

  40. Christie

    February 14, 2014 at 10:39 am

    Well, it is totally clear now why Even Steven fell so hard for you! I mean- you took off COMFY granny underwear off for him!!! Taking off a thing is nothing bc they are always riding up your butt and by taking those off it is more about making yourself more comfortable. He knew right then you were willing to SACRIFICE for him . Well played.

  41. Her Royal Thighness

    February 14, 2014 at 11:31 am

    Your story is hysterical, too. Thanks for the morning giggle!

  42. Her Royal Thighness

    February 14, 2014 at 11:33 am

    OMG, I’m laughing so hard, I’m crying! My husband dreams of the day when I don’t buy my underwear in 6-packs!

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