37 Things You Never Want to Hear from Your Babysitter

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I’ve been lucky with babysitters over the past 5 years, but I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories.

I reached out to a few blogging friends of mine – and my followers on Facebook to put together this post – and I have to tell you, I’ve been cracking up for the past week reading through this!

You all shared everything from the very mild (sorry, I’m busy) to the absolutely outrageous…

37 Things You Never Want to Hear From Your Babysitter

I've been lucky with babysitters over the past 5 years, but I've heard my fair share of horror stories, from the very mild (sorry, I'm busy) to the absolutely outrageous.


Sorry, I am totally booked for the next 3 months… Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

I hope you don’t mind… I gave her another bath after you left. She was covered in pizza sauce and glitter. – Pamela

When you said I could help myself to whatever I wanted, you meant the tequila, right? The Dose of Reality

Hope it goes better this time around. Last time I babysat someone’s kids, one broke a leg. – Josée

Do you have an extra diaphragm? I forgot mine and my boyfriend is coming over. RachRiot

You might want to leave your shoes on. I’ll be needing hazard pay. – Patricia

Hey, kids! Let’s decorate my ankle monitor with stickers! HouseTalkN

Where’s the booze? I never do this sober. – Sarah

You’re cool with me smoking pot here, right? It’s legal in this state now. Funny is Family

The first thing you need to know is no one was seriously hurt… – Judy

Sorry I was late. I had a syphilis flare this morning.Toulouse & Tonic

The police just left but I had it under control and nobody got arrested…. – Caitlin

I’m not sure where this rash came from, but it shouldn’t be transmissible skin to skin. Confessions of a CornFed Girl

I worked in a daycare for four years and the worst thing I ever had to tell a parent was that their kid was bit 6 times that day… imagine your babysitter telling you that… – Robin

Some creepy guy has been following me for days. Look! There’s his van! Funny is Family

Umm, does that pink stuffed bunny on your mantle, like, have a camera-thingy in it? – Nicole

Do you live by a school? I’m not allowed within 500 feet of schools.Frugalista

Umm how many kids did I start with? – Marga

Your husband is hot. HouseTalkN

Thanks for having me. I finally got them to sleep after a bottle of Tylenol and duct taping them to their bed. Um, some of lil’ Johnny’s skin came off with the tape but I put a bandaid on it. It will be $25.20 extra for the Tylenol, duct tape, and bandaid! – Melanie

Just so you know, all the charges from that last incident were dropped. My parole officer says I’m golden. RachRiot

I just had my wisdom teeth pulled, and they gave me some wicked painkillers! – Katrina

I totally know your husband. He comes in for Legs and Eggs at the Foxy Lady all the time when I’m working.Momaical

I hope you don’t have any wire hangers in the house. – Nicole Okay – got it – Mommie Dearest…

I hope the kids are better today. Last time I was here they kept screaming. I could still hear them even after I locked them in the closet. Confessions of a CornFed Girl

In response to how dressed up they look today: “Oh, I have a job interview later.” – Alison

I think your mom likes it more when you pour the glitter outdoors. Random Handprints

Melanie: I babysat two very aggressive kids, but I was pretty good with them. I was unavailable and recommended my best friend, she was not used to such behavior, and they locked her out on the balcony holding the chainsaw.

Can my boyfriend come over? His parole officer said it was fine. Rants from Mommyland

They won’t catch it if they don’t touch me. – Jodi

Sorry I didn’t wake up when you came in the door…or when you shook me…or yelled my name. I can sleep through anything. Katy in a Corner – I’ll go ahead and admit that I was the babysitter in that scenario. True story.

Hope it’s ok my boyfriend/girlfriend came over – we waited until after the kids were asleep. – JJ

When I was looking for condoms in your nightstand I noticed we have the same vibrator! Funny is Family

Can you take me to the clinic, I think I’m pregnant. – Charity

I hope your husband doesn’t have a thing for 18-year-old blondes like that last one did.The Momalog

I like to chase my benadryl with a Budweiser. Hopefully the kids will nap at the same time as me. Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Ummm…I don’t do diapers.You Know It Happens At Your House Too

What would you add to this list?


  1. Janine Huldie

    June 10, 2013 at 6:51 am

    Totally do not want to hear they are booked for 3 months and I definitely don’t want to hear “Now don’t get upset, but….!!! Nothin good ever comes from that one, lol!

  2. LeeAnn Sterling

    June 10, 2013 at 6:54 am

    Hey hey 🙂 I believe the wire hanger comment is in reference to “mommy dearest” no more wire hangers!! She had a tendency to give her daughter a good wailing with one. Lol horrible really, as I’m cracking up.

  3. Patsy

    June 10, 2013 at 7:26 am

    The wire hanger is from the movie Mommie Dearest.

  4. thedoseofreality

    June 10, 2013 at 7:34 am

    Dying laughing! Thanks for including us! These are SO FUNNY!! Great job!-The Dose Girls

  5. Jessica

    June 10, 2013 at 7:46 am

    Love Keri’s ankle bracelet one. Hilarious!

  6. Trooppetrie

    June 10, 2013 at 7:53 am

    cracking up, with 6 kids, my sitters should get hostile fire pay. Love these. I once hired a college kid for the weekend. told her to cook anything. Man they ate like kings that weekend

  7. Tara YKIHAYHT

    June 10, 2013 at 8:40 am

    As I was just thinking this morning about calling a babysitter, I may now need to conduct some intensive interviews first. Thanks for the Monday morning laugh! xo

  8. RachRiot

    June 10, 2013 at 9:28 am

    YEA! Thanks so much for including mine! Of course I’ve never *really* heard those things personally. Our babysitter is a saint and I will hold onto her forever. If any other mom tries to steal her away it will be war– I will cut a bitch.

  9. MomChalant

    June 10, 2013 at 9:33 am

    Oh my gosh. I can’t believe babysitters would even say these things – but if they didn’t then this blog post wouldn’t have came about! I am dying laughing. And I keep laughing harder as the list goes on.

  10. Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

    June 10, 2013 at 9:35 am

    Funny is Family cracked me up with the condom one! Great Monday morning laugh, thanks for including us.


  11. Frammitz

    June 10, 2013 at 11:16 am

    I wouldn’t mind the glitter, but she sure as hell is going to do diapers!

  12. Ariana

    June 10, 2013 at 2:07 pm

    “He hit me first”

  13. Roni Faida

    June 10, 2013 at 3:48 pm

    This list makes me happy that I don’t have any children.

  14. christie

    June 10, 2013 at 4:28 pm

    Getting a phone call from the babysitter saying, “It’s not an emergency, but I think Sweets needs to go to the Emergency Room.”
    How is that NOT an emergency?
    True story.

  15. Darcy Perdu

    June 10, 2013 at 9:35 pm

    “Both your children were little angels while you were gone. Oh. You have THREE kids? Huh.”

    Not sure if you’re asking for worst things a babysitter CAN say — or if you were looking for TRUE examples. The above is just a worst example — it didn’t really happen. Although, I DO have 2 kids – so I dunno, maybe I HAD 3 at one time? Anyway, thanks for the funny list!

  16. Virginia Llorca

    June 10, 2013 at 10:10 pm

    Having served as one too often, I have been reluctant to use them. I watched four one summer while the mom went back to college and they would forget and call me mom. I had to have my mother come home from work to take one for stitches. Yet, I married and bred.

  17. Devan

    June 11, 2013 at 6:24 am

    Yeah….this is going down at my house this weekend…I am sure they will eat ALL of the foods!

  18. Pingback: How to Find the Perfect Babysitter | My Life and Kids

  19. Suzanne Lucas

    June 11, 2013 at 12:31 pm

    ROFL! If people have actually heard these things from their babysitters, I’m dialling 911. Thank God my daughter’s grown up now.

  20. Amy

    June 11, 2013 at 6:23 pm

    Thanks, Ellen!

  21. Amy

    June 11, 2013 at 6:25 pm

    Following all of the comments, I knew this post was going to be awesome. You didn’t disappoint! Thanks for letting me play, and for the laugh!

  22. new homes frederick

    September 6, 2013 at 10:39 am

    Hi there! Do you use Twitter? I’d like to follow you if that would
    be okay. I’m absolutely enjoying your blog
    and look forward to new posts.

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