My Mother’s Indecent Proposal

It was the end of my 8th grade year, and my mom and I were pulling into the driveway one night, when I finally told her what had been on my mind for nearly a year.

I had never been kissed.

And I really wanted to be kissed.

In some ways, my mom did a lot of things right after I confessed this to her…


She told me that I was very special, and that there was a special guy out there that would want to kiss me someday.

She told me that I was beautiful. She told me that kissing would happen before I knew it and not to wish away my childhood.

But as we sat there in the car, she knew that her words weren’t making me feel much better.

This is the same mother that didn’t want to hurt my feelings by telling me I couldn’t sing, so she made up a genetic defect that makes our voices not work with microhopnes. The same mother that covered my back in maxipads so that I wouldn’t get hurt while doing the highjump.

Telling me to wait and that it would all be okay just wasn’t how she liked to work.

So she offered to pay one of my brother’s friends to kiss me.

My brother was two years older than me and played on the varsity basketball team. There were several prospects to choose from.

“Would that work?” I asked her.

“Of course it will work. I’ll pay him, and I’ll even buy him a footlong Subway sandwich.”

She was a genius. What 10th grade guy wouldn’t want to kiss me in exchange for a footlong and some cash? I got out of the car with a renewed spirit and went straight to my yearbook to circle my prospects.

But somewhere over the next few days, I lost the nerve to ask my mom about our “indecent proposal” – and my mom most likely came to her senses and realized that this might be a little inappropriate. We never talked about it again.

22 thoughts on “My Mother’s Indecent Proposal

  1. My Dear I never knew this story. I laughed out loud as I read it to Mr. Connie. We could have probably gotten one of the boys next door to do the deed, for free!

  2. This is at once touching, inappropriate and beautiful. 🙂

    Your mother sounds awesome. (And yes; I believe Grade 10 boys deal mostly in Subway Foot-Long “currency.”)

  3. Bahahahaha!!!!!! He is going to DIE when he see’s this!!!!!! I love it! Ps…he totally would have done it for the sandwich alone!!!

  4. That is awesome. 🙂 Your mom rocks. I can totally see my oldest daughter (who is going on 9 now) coming to me saying something similar someday. (Her little sister, however, I don’t think will have the same concern. In kindergarten, she had 8 boyfriends – at once! :O ). I will have to remember your mom’s idea, lol.

  5. You never cease to make me bust out laughing. I look forwards to getting your blog posts and get all excited when I see them pop up in my email. But the funniest that almost made me pee my pants was the granny panty post. LOL. Your mom sounds a lot like me, or at least a lot of what I might do. What a great way to start a damp dark rainy Monday. 🙂

  6. Oh I loved reading this and your mom sounds so much like mine. She would have done anything to make me feel better at any cost. Now being a mother, I truly do get this and understand this feeling to try to make my kids happy as best as I can. Thanks for sharing on this Monday morning!!

  7. That is hilarious. You have such a funny mom, and the fact that it made you feel better is just as funny. Thanks for the giggle…

  8. Seriously, your mom is a genius. She came up with an idea that would make you feel better, took your mind off the problem and on to the ‘cure’, and you got over it! Total genius. Even if she didn’t mean to be.

    Now, start putting this stuff in a book. You are wasting money giving it away! Mom, Even Steven? Are you out there? TELL this girl she’s wasting herself!

    (Sigh.) I’m not going to give up. You SHALL succumb to my demands! I just hope it’s in my lifetime.

    Love you, girl!

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