My Balls

By  | 

So, I’m pretty sure that this all started because of a man with one leg at Dick’s Sporting Goods.

I was there with all three kids trying to find the cheapest soccer shoes in existence. I was bending down behind a low shelf, and my kids were on the other side talking to one of the employees.

I could only see him from the waist up, but my kids were talking to him, and he was running in place.

Jumping up and down.

And I stood up just in time to see my three kids knocking on his artificial leg.

I was absolutely mortified and told my kids that they could not knock on his leg.

But this man was amazing, and he had invited them to knock on his leg.

He said that he wears shorts to work every day so that kids can see his leg and ask him questions. He then showed my kids how he can jump just as high as they can and run just as fast as they can.

It was a really neat experience. And all the way home we talked about how some people only have one leg or one arm, but they can still do all the things that we can do.

And I’m guessing that this conversation must have been on my mind when the following conversation took place a few weeks later:


Miles: Mom, you’re never going to believe this. I have two balls in my penis.

Me: Yes. You do.

Miles: What are they called?

Me: Balls.

Miles: Does everyone have balls?

Me: Yup – boys have balls.

Miles: Does everyone have two balls?

And this is where I just turned into a total idiot and for some reason felt it was another teachable moment to make sure that my son knew that whether he had one ball, two balls or no balls, he would be okay.

Me: Well, some boys have one ball and some boys have two balls. But either way, you’re totally fine.

Seriously. It’s not like you can just map out these conversations in advance. They happen at such random and surprising times that you think you’ll know what you’ll say (we’ll be straightforward and honest and use real terms with our kids.) But then it’s actually happening, and you’re at the playground or you’re at the zoo or you’re just sitting around at the kitchen table, but you were so unprepared that you just start talking and saying things that you wish you could take back. But you can’t. Because you have a 5-year-old and they remember. everything.

Miles: You mean Alice only has one ball?

Me: No – Alice doesn’t have any balls. She’s a girl.

Alice: YES I DO HAVE A BALL. And it’s round and it’s pink.



Alice: And daddy bought it for me at Target, and it’s in the garage.

The children have now been told that all future body parts questions are to be directed towards Daddy.


  1. Kathy at kissing the frog

    June 20, 2013 at 5:31 am

    I’m a blubbering idiot when it comes to boy parts questions. I agree. Let Daddy handle it!

  2. KpMcD

    June 20, 2013 at 6:48 am

    The guy with the prosthetic sounds like a SUPER awesome dude. I try to be open like that with kids about my service dog, but sometimes parents get so embarrassed that their kid noticed something was different about me that they just drag their kids away. Also sometimes it’s not a good day for me to explain that my dog is with me to prevent panic attacks, but all the same, good on you for going along with your kids for the teachable moment. 🙂
    I don’t know why, but that last line makes me think of a “submit your question using form A-2937 and use only a black, ball point pen” sort of set-up. Good luck to dad when Alice starts asking boob questions!

  3. Janine Huldie

    June 20, 2013 at 7:06 am

    Kind of glad I don’t have boys from conversations like this, but if it makes you feel better, I was recently changing in front of my girls, when Lily at only 2 1/2 years old starting screaming “boobies” and taking her two little fingers on each hand in a twisting motion. I had to leave the room, because I was laughing so hard. When I finally got myself together, I had to explain that this wasn’t nice to say and so on. But god what kids will say and do even when they are oh so little!!

  4. Amy

    June 20, 2013 at 7:13 am

    We saw a guy at the airport with two metal legs. He told my kid he was part robot. I will never forget his grace in dealing with curious preschoolers, and I was afraid my son would try to chop off his boring old regular legs so he could be awesome like Mr. Robot Legs.

    We have a couple of pink balls at our house, in addition to the regular boy kind of balls.

  5. thedoseofreality

    June 20, 2013 at 7:28 am

    Aaahhh, I love those moments! They are always so much fun! 😉

  6. Kristin @ OneOrganicMama

    June 20, 2013 at 7:29 am

    hahahaha I was similarly stunned when my 3 year old asked if “only grown up girls can lay babies or can big boys lay babies too”

  7. JD Bailey @ Honest Mom

    June 20, 2013 at 8:52 am

    Dying laughing. I have two girls. So far I’ve glossed over the “where do babies come from?” question with the answer of “From their mommies’ bellies!” But I’m sure I will fumble the real answer BIG TIME when my 7yo reaaaalllly wants to know more. I’ll send her daddy – great idea.

  8. TK

    June 20, 2013 at 9:22 am

    Hahaha! I’m dreading the times when these conversations will happen in my house!

  9. Frugalistablog

    June 20, 2013 at 10:21 am

    I love the honesty of the man in Dick’s sporting goods! And I too am a mom of a boy obsessed with his balls.

  10. christie

    June 20, 2013 at 12:04 pm

    That is so great! My husband had a great conversation wtih my then 2 1/2 year old when she was on the toilet. She was “checking things out” and this is what I heard from the monitor:
    Sweets: “Daddy, I have a boo-boo”
    Daddy: “No, that’s just part of your vagina”
    Sweets: “No, I think it’s a boo-boo and it needs a band-aid”
    Daddy: “No, it’s okay….you’re fine”
    Sweets: “But it looks like chicken”
    Me: >tears streaming down face, doubled over laughing<

  11. Anna's Mom

    June 20, 2013 at 1:30 pm

    Oh dear! This took me right back to when your brother was little – I was putting him to bed when he looked at me and smiled and said “So – what’s it like sleeping with a naked man?” I was so surprised and unprepared I just said “I don’t know.” and changed the subject. This from a professionally licensed counselor. Dad and I got a good laugh from this today.

  12. Jennifer

    June 20, 2013 at 2:14 pm

    There must be a book of the perfect answers to questions like these. I would seriously study and memorize that book. And then I would definitely mess it up by giggling and smiling and my face turning bright red.

  13. MomChalant

    June 20, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    I know the sex talk will come one day, and even some weird sex related questions, but I never thought about having “a ball talk.” That’s definitely a new one for me.

    But hey! It makes for some great blog content.

  14. Devan

    June 21, 2013 at 4:16 am

    Mine did this in a crowded dressing room, then proceded to BEG to touch them….loudly…? She’s seen them before, I dont know why she chose that time to start ooohing and ahhhhing over them. LOL

  15. Devan

    June 21, 2013 at 4:18 am

    I accidentally told my (almost) 7 year old daughter that babies come out a third hole that’s between the pee and poop holes…she just stared at me blankly and I changed the subject. sigh, poor thing.

  16. Devan

    June 21, 2013 at 4:20 am

    Oh dear God, I am dying!! Bless daddys heart….

  17. Devan

    June 21, 2013 at 4:22 am

    LOL, I died laughing at the part where he asked what they are called and you just said balls. These comments are great too! I love this, and I love that man in Dicks! Cool! <3 Devan

  18. Desiree

    June 21, 2013 at 12:14 pm

    I made the mistake of talking about “balls” with my son and now he is OBSESSED with talking about them!!! He is like a bad comedian referencing his balls to everything and thinking its hilarious….Damn balls

  19. Ariana

    June 21, 2013 at 6:41 pm

    When my boys were little, I just remember trying to stay about 1 step ahead of them on questions like these, and really don’t remember too many super uncomfortable questions…But, with my step-daughters, the 3 year old, in a public restroom while I was “going” took a quick peek and said “you look like mommy”, for which I’m relieved…I guess? I could barely contain myself though, when the other day the 5 year old called me into the bathroom, then in a low voice, asked me about daddy’s tail.

  20. Suzanne Lucas

    June 21, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    OMG, that’s hilarious. Note to self: go to Target when looking for balls.

  21. Lisa @ The Golden Spoons

    June 21, 2013 at 10:03 pm

    Too funny!! I have three girls so I have avoided much discussion about boy parts. I was not prepared to have the sex talk with my 10 year old, but when she told me she knew all about it because “her friends had told her” I knew I had to set the record straight. I hope I said the right things!

  22. sarah

    June 22, 2013 at 7:47 am

    My son discovered his balls while in the bathroom, and came out to the living room naked and said, “Mom, there’s Skittles in here!”

  23. Darcy Perdu

    June 22, 2013 at 12:06 pm

    Your post is hilarious — and your readers’ comments got me giggling all over again!

  24. Tracy @ The UnCoordinated Mommy

    July 8, 2013 at 11:07 am

    I am so thankful I have two boys LOL And the other day we were skyping with the grandparents and Noah said “look I have two balls!!” Luckily he was holding up two golf balls!

You must be logged in to post a comment Login