A Letter to My Kitchen Floor

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Dear Kitchen Floor,

Every morning, I walk down the stairs, and I vomit in my mouth when I see you.

That’s how ugly you are.


Your nicotine-stained linoleum tiles drive me crazy. I hate that I can spend an entire naptime scrubbing the crap out of you, sweating like crazy – only to have you look like someone smeared a dirty diaper all over the place within 10 minutes.

I hate you so much, that if you were stranded by the side of the road with no one to help you, in the middle of a blizzard – I would not stop.

If you were hanging on the edge of a cliff screaming for help – and all I had to do was reach out a hand to save your life – I would not.

You turn my kids’ feet black.


I’m afraid that we’re all going to get an STD just by being in your presence.

I would rather claw my own eyes out, go through natural child birth, run another marathon – than look at you for one more day of my life.

Oh – and you’re fat.

And your mom is too!


Oh, and Even Steven – if I have to hear you tell me one more time that we’re lucky to even have a kitchen floor – I will smack you in the face.

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  1. Mommy Melback

    September 12, 2011 at 1:55 pm

    Ha Ha Ha Ha
    That made my morning. So super funny!!
    I even read it to my husband and he loved it too.
    So sorry that you hate your floors. I was there too and had to have a major accident (thank God not human) and a tax refund to change ours.
    I am posting this on fb.
    P.S. You should be writing children't books ha ha

  2. Candice

    September 12, 2011 at 3:30 pm

    I have read this ode to my super ugly floor; hoping that it would cower away and never be seen again. I would rather live with the subfloor. Thank you for making my day–love it!

  3. Anonymous

    September 12, 2011 at 4:22 pm

    You crack me up (which isn't all that easy to do)! 🙂

  4. Jenny

    September 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    Well, I agree with Even Steven, you are lucky to have a floor. I've lived with my floor for over 20 yrs & it was over 20 yrs old when I got it. It's full of holes, I can't scrub it or it comes apart in pieces, I have to gently clean & tape it back together. Pieces come off onto my feet when I walk across it, not just dirt. I would rip it out & live with the sub-floor except the sub-floor is crumbly pressed particle board – who puts that in a kitchen?

    So I can see why you need humor to deal with a floor you hate but I would trade floors with you if I could. :o)

  5. Lucky Loves Home

    September 12, 2011 at 6:43 pm

    You are the best writer. Trying to stifle my laugh so my boss cannot hear me and I have to explain that I'm reading one of the funniest posts. Thanks! Cheryl

  6. Tracey English

    September 12, 2011 at 8:25 pm

    THIS IS AWESOME! We used to have flooring JUST like that…I was SO SUPER HAPPY when we tore it up!! 🙂

  7. Sewandthecity

    September 13, 2011 at 10:54 am

    Oh I know what you feel – we have horrible ugly floor in our kitchen…small tiles which look dirty and chipped and disgusting even when they are freshly washed…I hate it …it makes me feel a bit better that I am not the only one who hates their floor…very funny post though!

  8. Margie

    September 13, 2011 at 12:42 pm

    Haha! You gave me a laugh this morning-I guess my subfloor kitchen isn't so bad after all ;-p J.K., I hate my kitchen (non)floor too!

  9. Desiree @ The 36th Avenue

    September 13, 2011 at 1:15 pm

    Sharing on my FB page… too funny!

  10. Anonymous

    September 13, 2011 at 6:54 pm

    Maybe I can stop over and start ripping it up like I did with the wallpaper in there…. then you will be forced to get something new : )

  11. Kim

    September 14, 2011 at 4:41 am

    Nice….Man, I had white (ish) linoleum in my last house and it made me cry-like every day.SO, I feel your pain-hang on sistah

  12. Anonymous

    September 14, 2011 at 3:15 pm

    Have you tried straight ammonia? I had a NASTY linoleum floor in the kitchen at our last house and it, too, turned my kids socks black. I wrestled with cleaning it for four years and then I pulled out the ammonia. It about made me sick, but when it was done it looked fabulous!

  13. Lady Goo Goo Gaga

    September 15, 2011 at 1:37 am

    Ugh I know the feeling….especially with winter around the corner. At least in the summer I can stay outside and ignore my house!!!

  14. Jessica

    September 16, 2011 at 2:01 pm

    OMG at our old house, we had the EXACT same kitchen floor and I hated it with a passion!! We had the nicotine stains too, and even a few holes and burn marks. Awesome.

  15. Tiff

    September 18, 2011 at 6:28 pm

    LOL I have the same kitchen floor. I will not walk barefoot in that room. No matter how much I mop and scrub.

  16. Lisa

    September 21, 2011 at 3:56 pm

    So we have this "wonderful hi quality armstrong floor", porous in nature,almost white in color, eternally dirty, and I mean deeply ingrained dirt. If I scrub with a brush on my hand and knees with a cleaner, yes it comes so white and clean, but with no finish left. So out comes the mop on wax. Oh yes. Enter 4 children ages 5 months to 9 years. Did I mention bare feet from the garden, work boots from the welding shop, and water dripping from drinking cups. We have this lovely floor throughout the house. Hard to justify getting a new floor when you have a nice one. I've personally broken about 6 mop handles over the last few years from scrubbing so hard.

  17. Anonymous

    September 23, 2011 at 10:33 am

    A truly ugly floor! You know you kan paint over it? Use deckpaint for boats. It leaves a strong finish, and if it gets chipped you just paint over it. Over here in scandinavia this is common practise to get rid of ugly 70's flooring. Nice blog:) Monja from Norway.

  18. Auntie Joy

    November 25, 2011 at 2:58 am

    God I feel so sorry for you, if i lived close I'd help you do something with it. i had really FILTHY FUGLI carpet in our old farm house, I found flooring cheap at a local Habitat store, I made it Beautiful. every one deserves a better floor. NAG GIRLFRIEND, NAG !!!

  19. Anonymous

    November 25, 2011 at 5:30 pm

    We used the peel and stick vinyl pieces (cheap) until we were able to afford a new floor (3 years later). Wasn't the best solution but it sure helped my brain and we know when Mama is happy, the family is happy! Go to Home Depot / Lowes and check it out.

  20. Anonymous

    December 8, 2011 at 2:41 am

    LOL My floor is like yours and more. I have a huge foundation crack running diagonally across it. 🙁

  21. sparkling74

    January 1, 2012 at 7:08 pm

    Ha ha, I completely agree. I see your nasty floor and raise you one ugly color combination. See here: However, you have individual floor tiles while I just hhave 3 sheets of linoleum, so you have far more nasty little edges where the glue is coming up and everything gets caught. But mine is from the 70s. I’m not sure who wins this one….

  22. Kat

    September 14, 2012 at 10:30 pm

    I feel the exact same way about MY kitchen floor~ lol~

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