A Letter to My Family
After last night’s antics, I think a letter is the only way to really express myself.
Alice – I’m sorry you had such a bad tummy ache last night. I’m sorry that watching television and reading books for two hours in the middle of the night didn’t help. And I think it’s sweet that you insisted on having three bandaids put on your tummy – but that didn’t help either. And I’m glad you didn’t have appendicitis (well, according to the book I referenced). But I would like to say this: the next time I’m up with you from midnight – 2 am, the least you could do is sleep in past 7 am in the morning. Seriously.
Simon – I’m not sure what kind of crack you’re smoking, but you don’t eat at 3 am. And you don’t eat at 5 am either. Period. You’re still my favorite – but please get it together.
Miles – The reason no one was up at 5:30 this morning, is because that is the middle of the night. And it’s very clever of you to come BACK into my room at 6 am to say you need to poop – but the next time you do that – you better really need to poop. None of this smiling at me while you sit on the potty to pee. Thanks.
Oh – and I know you hid the phone last weekend. Everyone knows it was you. Please just tell us where you put it!
Even Steven – Just tell me what you’d like my response to be next time you wake up in the middle of the night with a sharp shooting pain in your chest and arm. When you’re moaning and can’t move one side of your body, my natural reaction is to try to help. I’m sorry that all I could think to do was turn on the light and ask you to smile to make sure you weren’t having a stroke. But if you really think that you just slept on your arm wrong, and it fell asleep, then say that immediately before I have a heart attack. And don’t act annoyed when I try to save your life.
Big Hairy Dog – This has nothing to do with last night, but it needs to be said. Don’t stand in the yard and eat poop all day long and then act surprised when no one wants to pet you and snuggle with you.
Thank you all for listening. Let’s try a lot harder tonight, okay?