Laughs

Lessons from Linda: The Walking Farts

By  | 

Lessons from Linda

Linda is my mom – and as much as I love to share all of the things she did wrong while raising me, she taught me a lot too. I like to call these, “Lessons from Linda.”

Lessons from Linda: The Walking Farts

My mom taught me a lot of things in life, but one thing she never encouraged was holding in my farts.

“It will just give you a stomach ache,” she said. “And if you have to fart in public, just walk and fart, fart and walk, walk and fart.”

She called them the “walking farts.”

Which is why at the age of 31, I still have not mastered the skill of holding in my gas. This used to bother me. I would dread work meetings just after lunch (walking around the conference table during meetings was frowned upon at my office.)

And then I had kids, and everything changed. I can fart all I want – and now I don’t even have to walk.

“Ewww – what’s that smell?” Sorry – Miles has gas.

“Does someone have a poopy diaper?” YES, SOMEONE DOES!

At the doctor’s office, “Sorry doc – little missy has a gassy tummy today.”

Everyone seems much more understanding when it’s a child’s fault.

And on the rare occasion when the kids aren’t with me – I just keep on walking.

31 Comments

  1. Shelly Kramer

    January 26, 2012 at 6:44 am

    I love your Mom! Smart lady. I don’t have kids but does this also apply to dogs?

  2. brooke adkins

    January 26, 2012 at 7:30 am

    lol…. @shelly I would say Sure it applies to Pets too ..

  3. Danielle Higginbottom-Brown

    January 26, 2012 at 7:35 am

    LMAO! I smartened up this time, and put my coffee down before I read your post! My laptop is thanking me!

  4. Ahhh Mom

    January 26, 2012 at 8:11 am

    HAHA, I wrote about the same subject last night!!! That’s hilarious!!!

  5. Yasmin @ alittlelessfluff

    January 26, 2012 at 8:41 am

    Yup, gas can be horrible. But my philosophy is that if you gotta let it go, let it go. Just do it stylishly. 😉

  6. Yasmin @ alittlelessfluff

    January 26, 2012 at 8:42 am

    haha! I did the same thing!

  7. Kim

    January 26, 2012 at 9:59 am

    Major Mom fail! J/K…having the kids sooo helps! You should think about investing in one of those little dogs that people carry around….that way when you don’t have the kids, you have the pooch! LOL

  8. Rachel

    January 26, 2012 at 10:05 am

    I love this technique. I’m not super good at holding it in but have mastered the silent slip. Blaming it on your kids also works for me when say I have to go to the bathroom in church, I usually drag one of them out with me and blame them for making me leave in the muddle of the sermon, rolling my eyes and shaking my head all the way to the bathroom.

  9. Patricia

    January 26, 2012 at 10:11 am

    I’m wondering if that’s a typo of if Rachel intended to write “muddle of the sermon”. hehehe

  10. Erika McCulloch

    January 26, 2012 at 10:19 am

    LOL!! Thank-you once again for an awesome story to start my day:) I too have learned many great lessons from Linda over the years:) Since Anna spent so much time at our house over the summers, we got used to her gas:) She tried to blame her farts on our dog growing up, but sorry Anna, we always knew the truth! We also had to make sure Diet Rite was NOT in the house whenever she came to visit. Anna~I won’t spoil the details…I think this should be a post soon! I’d love to hear your story on this one!

  11. Lachelle

    January 26, 2012 at 10:20 am

    Love this post! I have been there and done that to my kids so many times. Thanks for the laugh!

  12. Kirsten

    January 26, 2012 at 10:23 am

    Oh my gosh you’re killin’ me! Hilarious! Around our house, the little audible farts are blamed on those pesky “barking spiders”. LOL!

  13. Alyson L

    January 26, 2012 at 10:33 am

    Back when my SIL was in college she was sitting on the quietest floor of the library in an almost silent area, doing homework, and she knew she had to fart. She knew it was coming up, and she knew everyone would turn and look at her. She didn’t have time to get out of the room to a restroom. She had the bright idea that, if she couldn’t hear how loud it was, she wouldn’t blush, she wouldn’t act embarrassed when the deed was done. So she plugged her ears, closed her eyes, and let it rip. Then she just settled back into studying as usual, avoiding the eyes of those around her. I think these two methods together (walk-fart-walk plus plug-ears-shut-eyes) can cover every gassy eventuality.

  14. Tricia

    January 26, 2012 at 11:33 am

    LOL! I love it!! My mom would find an old person in the store and stand near them and do it so people would think it was the little old lady instead of her. LMAO!

  15. imklvr

    January 26, 2012 at 12:13 pm

    Your mom is da bom! Wish I’d have had her when I was growing up…just for this one thing! I could/would NEVER fart in public. NEV>>ER! I would go to the bathroom and sit on the pot. That includes at home if anyone was around! But getting older does something to you. I do the old ‘walk and fart’ when ever I need to! As long as it’s silent. Otherwise you’ll see me dashing off to the pot! And dogs definitely count for blaming! I had a precious dog once that would bet up and walk away from her OWN farts! Yeah, that bad!

  16. Robbie

    January 26, 2012 at 1:52 pm

    HILARIOUS! That is NOT something every mom thinks to pass on to the children. I too have mastered the art of the fart. It has been 26 years since I farted in Target, walking away..leaving my bro and sis to take responsibility. They still don’t know it was me!

  17. Shara

    January 26, 2012 at 2:28 pm

    Love it! I also “walk” alot! And I’m your newest follower! Come check me out too!
    -Shara @palmettos and pigtails

  18. Toni37

    January 26, 2012 at 3:46 pm

    This is what I love here in this site… I have learned so many lessons from Linda. Please keep it up! Thanks for making my day bright…

  19. Lyndsey

    January 26, 2012 at 7:07 pm

    OMG!! I just spent like 13 hours reading all your old posts – ok maybe not 13 more like 2!! But still – I was laughing so hard that my husband came to check on me- he left laughing too!! You are so my HERO!!

  20. Fawn

    January 26, 2012 at 11:14 pm

    Hilarious!! This was laugh out loud funny! For some reason, growing up we all thought it was quote funny to poot at any and every occasion and just say oops. There’s 5 girls and all of our hubbies have needed to get accustomed to the fact that we’re all quite open about our pooting and pooping. It’s always a topic of discussion when we get together. Have NO idea why but it cracks us all up!

  21. HouseTalkN

    January 27, 2012 at 7:48 am

    Life lessons are so important. Your mom is a wise woman!
    Kerry at HouseTalkN

  22. Karen

    January 27, 2012 at 1:10 pm

    Barking spiders?!! hee hee hee

  23. Susan in the Boonies

    January 28, 2012 at 8:46 pm

    I know a great joke that would go perfectly with this one:

    But since I can’t say the “f” word (that ends with an “art”), I can’t tell it to ya.

  24. Mom

    January 28, 2012 at 9:43 pm

    Oh Erika! You make me laugh….some of the lessons were on our trip to visit Anna in Virginia right? It was your Mom though…Connie teaches a lot of lessons!!

  25. Tiffany

    January 30, 2012 at 2:40 pm

    Visiting from Skip To My Lou. I just had to click on your link because of the title. So glad I did! Thank you so much for the laugh! What a great way to start my Monday. I am dying over here, so glad I waited to put my make-up on today, or I’d be lookin’ like Tammy Faye Baker after wiping my laughter tears.

  26. Yolanda

    January 30, 2012 at 6:02 pm

    Having a Greek as a mom, they have their own thoughts on this…When she used to let’er rip, (as I’d die a little inside of mortification) she’d just smack me on the back and say “there’s more room on the outside than on the inside!” Yeaah. Ewwww…

  27. design fluff

    February 7, 2012 at 6:24 am

    Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know all of your readers do the exact same thing because they are all laughing about it. I find some of the funniest stories in life are ones I can relate to!

  28. Rosemary

    January 17, 2013 at 8:50 pm

    Another phrase for “walk and fart” is “crop dusting.” Just let ‘er go and keep walking, oblivious.

  29. sue

    May 15, 2013 at 4:30 pm

    This works well when standing in line at them parks too… Just wait until the line is about to move,then fart and move one. The person 3 people back will think the person in front of them did it.

  30. sue

    May 15, 2013 at 4:31 pm

    *theme

  31. Frugalistablog

    September 4, 2013 at 7:52 pm

    Today I practiced this method. More like, farted in an aisle at TJ Maxx when the coast was clear and then just walked away.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login