My Mom

I Am My Mother

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When I was growing up, we hosted most of the family get togethers at our house. Aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, neighbors – it seemed like there was a reason to celebrate at our house nearly every single month.

Which meant that every single month, we would spend an entire morning trying to avoid my mother.

See – my mom is normally a very happy, fun person to be around. But you find her within a 3-hour window of company arriving?

You need to run.

She would wake up in the morning, and you’d think that everything would be fine. Maybe this time would be different.

But she’d turn on you on a dime. One minute she’d be mixing up some chocolate chip cookies and the next minute there would be rage and yelling and thick tension.

My dad couldn’t do anything right.

My brother and I were told to do inane things like clean out the hot tub or iron tablecloths that didn’t seem to need ironing. We’d all be running around trying to help while also staying out of her way.

And usually I’d find myself hiding in my closet calling my grandmother and begging her to come over early.

Because the second our first guest arrived, my mom would return to a normal human being. She’d be nice and friendly and happy again. And we’d all forget what a rager she’d had – until the next time company was invited over.

Well – last month, I officially realized two things.

HELP I turned into my mother @MyLifeandKids

1. I have become my mother.

2. My mother was running around like a crazy person because her husband was stupid. (No offense dad).

Sweet Alice turned 4 last month, and we celebrated by having her grandma, aunts, uncles and cousins over for a birthday party brunch. I had things fairly organized before the party, and I had a general timeline in my head of what needed to happen between 8 – 10 am on Saturday morning.

I was going to prepare the food while Even Steven bathed the kids. Then I was going to get myself dressed while Even Steven quickly vacuumed the downstairs.

That’s it.

Everything else was finished and ready to go.

And yet I found myself trying to make an egg casserole with three helpers wanting to stir and crack eggs and pour the milk THEMSELVES.

And I found myself trying to keep three kids in the bathroom while I took a quick shower.

And I found myself trying to keep three kids entertained while I attempted to slap some makeup on my face.

And where was Even Steven?

Well – he spent his morning vacuuming the house (like planned).

And then he spent about 45 minutes looking for the attachments to the steam mop (that we haven’t used in two years) because that day of all days was the day it needed to be done.

And then while I was trying to get all three kids dressed and presentable – while also making sure not to burn the egg casserole – he walked around on his hands and knees putting outlet covers in every single outlet in the house that didn’t already have one.

You know – just in case one of our guests tried to stick their keys in the outlet.

And all I could think the whole time was,

Oh my gosh, you are killing me.

Please help with the kids.

Why are you doing this?

GRRRRRR…..

Fighting with Even Steven @MyLifeandKids

How is it that men always know how to play this game? It’s like they purposely do things that are super annoying – but that you really can’t complain about.

I mean – can you really complain that your husband is helping you get ready for a party by steam mopping the floor and covering the outlets?

YES.

You can.

Despite all of this, I felt like I was keeping it together fairly well considering the circumstances.

Until I caught Alice calling my mom on her fake phone. “Yia Yia – my mom is crazy. We need you here – now!”

And that is when I officially knew that I was my mother.

Next I’ll be wearing flannel shirts and eating the dog’s thyroid medicine.

When did you know you were becoming your mother?

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39 Comments

  1. Laura

    March 19, 2013 at 6:13 am

    ahahaha I know how you feel. My husband does the same and I become a dragon. I yell at him, ‘WHY CAN’T YOU READ MY MIND GODAMMIT!’. Then we both laugh. It’s how I snap myself out of it.

  2. [email protected] Days

    March 19, 2013 at 6:21 am

    Omg I just about died when I saw the lion!!! Why do men do that? When Im racing around with a list of chores that need doing before a party and my hubby asks if he can help – I’ve learned my lesson (yes it turns out I can be trained) – now I ask him just to watch the kids. He cleaned the kitchen for 3 hours once – 3 hours!!!! Seriously! I did have other things on the list for him that day!

    Oh and when did I turn into my mom? When I heard the word “luvvy” come out of my mouth!

  3. Vanessa

    March 19, 2013 at 6:36 am

    If you added in a second glass of wine and my mother saying “oh my head is spinning” this would be every family dinner my mother has hosted.

    I try not to do that to myself.

  4. Melanie S

    March 19, 2013 at 6:41 am

    My husband is exactly the same! He does the laundry (which I know I should appreciate) but folds it on the living room floor. And then leaves it there! His reasoning is that he’ll put it away when she done with laundry. We have seven year old triplets. We are NEVER done with laundry!
    It at Christmas, he decided that even though the rest if the house needed cleaning before we had family over, the windowsills were dirty. Because people will open the windows in the middle of winter.
    I have these moments of being my mom all the time. From over planning everything to stressing out about how I over planned everything. But the worst is when I was complaining to her about how I agreed to help out with one more thing and she pointed out that she can’t say no either and hasn’t sat down since 1986. And she was telling me this while I was standing up trying to make dinner, plan a talk for church, and pull apart a couple small Legos.

  5. Jenn

    March 19, 2013 at 7:09 am

    I had to laugh at your comment about complaining that your husband is helping you get ready by cleaning. Mine does that too! If we’re having his family over for dinner, for example, he’ll go crazy dusting everything, and I’m thinking that its the least of my priorities! How about the dishes in the sink? Or the toilet covered in pee stains? (I have boys, and boys can be so gross)
    Men can just be oblivious sometimes!

  6. jassica

    March 19, 2013 at 7:15 am

    Oh my goodness the lion!!!!! Bahahaha!! It drives me crazy when my husband doesn’t help the way I want him to. Lol People are coming over in a half hour! Time to clean the garage that no one will see! Time to dust the mirror in the bathroom no one ever goes in!

  7. Amy

    March 19, 2013 at 8:04 am

    This right here is why we don’t have parties. Or if we do, I usually wear a ponytail because the time allotted for my hair has been taken by a job that could have been done by the other adult in the house.

  8. thedoseofreality

    March 19, 2013 at 8:11 am

    OH MY GOD, YES YES YES!!! We cannot tell you how often we have this conversation about our hubbies. And their utter uselessness. Preach it sister!-The Dose Girls

  9. Sarah

    March 19, 2013 at 8:15 am

    Omigosh, my husband does that, too. And I can have both toddlers standing in the front gall with their boots and jackets on, ready to go, and he can’t find his cell phone, his wallet – oh, and he’s going to go change the batteries in all the smoke detectors right now. It drives me CRAZY!

  10. Kiki

    March 19, 2013 at 8:30 am

    Which smart man was that sticking the key in the outlet? Yours or mine? I can’t remember how that story went, just know they were playing “airplane” and starting the engine….

  11. Kendl

    March 19, 2013 at 8:34 am

    It must be a Y chromosome thing. We just had a party last weekend. I had already cleaned the kitchen. My husband went back over it while I ran out to pick up a few last minute things (because if i’d sent him he would have been gone for 2 hours and return without what i asked him to get). I came back, and gone is the little container holding months worth of box tops for my daughter. He said, “We don’t need to collect little pieces of cardboard”. I looked at her and said, “if your class loses the next box top contest, it’s Daddy’s fault.” Then he looked at me like I was the one who was in the wrong!

  12. Anna

    March 19, 2013 at 9:12 am

    Same scene at our house. I sorta get the husband’s point of view after my husband was hosting 20-30 guys for poker, and I kept asking what/when he was going to prepare, and he kept saying it was all fine. 30 minutes before the party he went out got beer and snacks, and that was it. They all had a great time, and no one even noticed – or I guess cared – the house was a mess and there was no “real” food.

    I wish I could treat my entertaining with the same laid-back attitude, but I just can’t.

  13. Dona

    March 19, 2013 at 9:29 am

    Being probably the oldest one here, let me say…I learned how to avoid this. I did everything. I’d start way ahead, making lists, cleaning…you know, the whole enchilada. I STILL do this. My daughter can’t get a meal on the table on time, but thinks I’M the crazy one. She stresses until NO ONE can stand her, and thinks I’M the crazy one! (sigh) The things we mom’s have to endure. Well, it’s better than the alternative….not being a mom or being committed.

    Oh, BTW, have you seen that Gina at “Shabby Chic Cottage” has a book deal? Hmmmm? Am I gonna have to write this FOR you? I get a bigger cut, if I do!

  14. Momchalant

    March 19, 2013 at 9:52 am

    Have you ever seen Freaky Friday when Lindsey Lohan’s mom yells things as she’s dropping her off at school, like “make good choices.” Well my mom saw that movie and thought it would be funny to do it to me. I absolutely despised her when she did that. I have caught myself on many occasions saying those same things she yelled out the window as I shamefully walked into school.

    Funny thing is, it didn’t even hit me for a while that I was repeating those things. Then one day it just hit me like a freight train coming at 90mph.

    If asked that under oath in court, I will deny it.

  15. Laura

    March 19, 2013 at 10:00 am

    Oh wow. Me too! When mine were little, after a long day of answering a gazillion questions to their cute little juice stained faces, I found myself yelling “Because I said so that’s why!” Not a horrible yell but yeah a yell. I knew that next second I was my mother.

  16. Kathryn

    March 19, 2013 at 10:01 am

    My husband would help clean up, (specifically the bathrooms, which is awesome!), but then when that half hour stretch happens before the event, he likes to “take the kids out of my hair” by turning on sports highlights and supervising the children while they undo all that we had cleaned just hours earlier.

  17. Samantha

    March 19, 2013 at 10:30 am

    I’ve spent so long, and so much energy trying to not turn into my mother, I’ve turned into my father without realising it!!

    Now, whenever I tidy up, it has to be starting somewhere and working in a clockwise direction. Oh and ironing creases up the front of my jeans. And becoming church secretary. Fortunately I’ve got a good pair of tweezers otherwise I’d end up with a full moustache like him too!

  18. Kathleen Wright Croft

    March 19, 2013 at 10:52 am

    I am unsure if I should complain about my mother or my husband first. When we were growing up instead of Holidays we called them Holler-days because we would be jolted awake to the sounds of my mother screaming.
    And my husband once had the day off while I had to work. He asked me what he could do to help me and I said clean the house. Six hours later I came home to a sparkling white refrigerator door. He didn’t clean the inside just the door. I was then forced to admire his work.

  19. Jen K

    March 19, 2013 at 11:47 am

    Yes, one fine day I woke up and I was my mother. *shudder*

    Hahahaha until my daughter decides to write her piece on how she is her mother! Argh!

  20. Michelle

    March 19, 2013 at 1:00 pm

    Can totally relate to this! My husband will decide to do something stupid like buzz his hair in the bathroom on a day when I need extra help. This of course means extra cleaning of the room since there is now hair everywhere. Or he’ll go around cleaning things that I don’t necessarily think need to be cleaned for company – like the top of the fridge – seriously?? Just pick up the clutter, vaccuum and be done!! Also, why is it I am always the one to not only get myself ready, but the kid(s) as well. This has been going on forever – and my oldest is almost 21!! The youngest is now 3 and you’d think I’d learn that by now if I don’t get her ready, it ain’t happening. LOL

  21. Carrie

    March 19, 2013 at 3:18 pm

    I read through all the comments looking for your Mom’s! How did mom feel about this post?? 🙂
    Loved the parting ‘Lion’ shot, by the way!

  22. Susan

    March 19, 2013 at 10:48 pm

    Ummmmm….are we married to the same guy? Yes, my husband does this ALL the time. Well, minus the vaccum which he hasn’t touched in the last year:)

  23. Crazed in the Kitchen

    March 19, 2013 at 11:35 pm

    Omg…I was lol’ing at this post but when my husband kept asking me what was so funny I couldn’t tell him! I remember as a kid having to use Pledge and an old cloth diaper to polish the legs of our dining room table before my grandma came to visit. SERIOUSLY?? As for entertaining and cleaning ourselves, we basically just don’t. So my husband has to find other ways to drive me insane–usually when we are packing for a long trip. He’ll pack up his little carry-on backpack of clothes, then disappear while I pack for myself and two young kids. Once in a while he’ll reappear and make helpful comments like, “Aren’t you done yet?” Love the man, but…he may drive me crazy some day!

  24. Robin Jingjit

    March 20, 2013 at 11:10 am

    Sometimes I don’t think there are actually men. There’s just one man and we’re all married to him. 😉

  25. Karmen

    March 20, 2013 at 2:17 pm

    Ha! My husband has actually DUMPED the junk drawer out on the kitchen table less than an hour before a dinner party because “it’s been driving me crazy”. Could’ve killed him.

    I knew I was my mother when I overcooked for company. Lots of food. Lots of food!

  26. JD Bailey @ Honest Mom

    March 20, 2013 at 2:50 pm

    Hahahahhaaaaa! I realized I became my mother when I started watching TV from the kitchen. This is what happens: Hubs and the kids will be watching a movie. I’ll be in the kitchen making dinner. But then, no matter how hard I try to resist the urge, I stand in the kitchen and watch the movie from there. Hubs will say, “Sit down and watch,” and I’m all, “Noooo, I have to cook!” And then I’ll cook for 5 minutes and get sucked back into the movie. This repeats for the duration of the movie. Which means baking some chicken breasts takes me an hour, at least.

  27. Mom

    March 20, 2013 at 9:52 pm

    Okay – I’ve been traveling or I would have been here sooner – you can count on that! Where to begin? First of all – “a rager” ??? Oh the drama!! You and your brother were the slowest least helpful children I have ever had! And your Father?? He helped alright – BY WASHING THE CARS AND THE TRUCK!!!! Yes, that’s what he did every Saturday – party or no party – ” because they are a huge investment and you have to take care of them”. So, I was mentally defending my self while reading this on my phone and then I got to the part where ” her husband was stupid” and laughed out loud…..then I got involved in your story and forgot to defend myself…..and then I got to the part about WEARING FLANNEL SHIRTS!!! What’s wrong with my flannel shirts? You said you liked my flannel shirt – you were with me when I bought it! That’s just wrong and a low blow.

    Oh – and by the way Missy – calling MeeMaw from your closet? Ha!! Your closet was always so messy with piles 3 feet high, you couldn’t fit a shoe in there let alone your body and a phone!

    Now I feel better. 🙂
    Sorry this comment is so long….
    The end.

  28. Vicky

    March 20, 2013 at 10:12 pm

    I realized I was my mother when it finally ocurred to me that my kids were realizing I am waaaay nicer and more fun when they have friends over. My mom was TOTALLy like that. Now, of course, I get it. You don’t want to embarrass your kids and you certainly don’t want to look like the wicked witch by screeching at them, but my kids are definitely realizing that Mom When Friends Are Over is waaaay more fun than Mom When It’s Just Us. To be honest, I like Momw When Friends Are Over better too.
    Vicky

  29. Queen mama of 3

    March 21, 2013 at 11:23 am

    That blog was like a crystal ball into my getting ready for company experiences. My husband likes to get out the shop vac and vacuum the edges of every room, like who will notice that the edge of the carpet is clean when there’s a pile of unfolded laundry on the couch or the mountainous stack of paperwork the kids manage to bring home has slid and managed to cover the entire countertop that I’m planning to serve food from? The best was when my husband decided that the handle on the fridge was dirty and needed cleaning before company came over. If I catch company judging me on the smudges on my fridge then they’re on their last visit to my house…..alright I still let my mom in.

  30. Jen K

    March 21, 2013 at 2:36 pm

    Your Mother’s comment ^^^^ above is hilarious! Hahahaa! You two are hilarious!

  31. Deb

    March 21, 2013 at 3:04 pm

    Forget my own mother – I’m pretty sure I turned into YOUR mother. All Holidays/get togethers are at my house also and my husband and kids DREAD the hours before company arrives. My husband always decides to do some stupid project – that no one will even notice. My kids hide too – but I couldn’t say where because I can NEVER find them.

  32. Mandy

    March 21, 2013 at 3:34 pm

    I’m not sure what’s funnier; your blog or your mom’s comments. 🙂

  33. Kim P

    March 21, 2013 at 5:49 pm

    My husband has his own heavy equipment construction business so big machines like bulldozers are a common sight in my yard.
    The first time we had a large party after we built our house, he decided that was the perfect time to start a major construction project. I had guests helping me set up tables while he was digging a big hole in the field that’s right in my front yard. Why? Because it needed to be more level than it has been for the past 100 years.
    Somehow, I believe he really thought he was helping me out by doing that. Still, I not only became my mother, I made my mother look like a saint.
    We’ve had more events here than I care to remember but the minute I see him surveying the perimeters of our property when he knows there are going to be people here, I have to look him square in the eye and tell him that if I see even one patch of fresh dirt, he will be sleeping in that machine for the rest of his life.

  34. Beth

    March 21, 2013 at 5:51 pm

    After almost 35+ years of my mom hosting the family “Christmas Eve party, 2 years ago we banned her from ever doing it again. Preparation would stress her out so much she would end up with a migraine and having to take a nap the day of the party! Although now that I think about it, maybe that was her way to force us to finish everything up for her! Genius!

  35. freelsda

    March 21, 2013 at 6:47 pm

    I so relate to your mother. My husband can be extremely helpful with cleaning, I admit, but nevertheless he has the habit of washing the car when we are going to have company. Hello? Are we going somewhere?? Maddening. Perhaps that’s why he likes to have people enter through the garage (not the nice clean front hallway) – so they can see that he washed the car!

  36. kasey

    March 21, 2013 at 8:37 pm

    I believe that your Mom and her comments bring even more laughter to my day than your posts alone. Your blog makes me laugh, yes. BUT her comments on top of your funny posts, I peed myself.

  37. [email protected] fitting

    March 24, 2013 at 9:34 pm

    This.is.me. My mom and I are like the exact same person now that I’m older. And I think it terrifies my husband because my mother definitely does things that make my husband totally nuts. I like to over entertain, get stressed out about the entertaining, yell at everyone and then drink a little too much wine at my own party. Hey, at least I’m fun when I drink 🙂

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  39. Colett

    April 4, 2013 at 10:55 am

    OMG. All I can say is I was crying as I laughed about this perfectly summarized scenario of how it goes when company is coming. My husband usually takes to scouring the patio furniture in the middle of winter when he knows the party is going to be indoors. It has taken 9 years for me to just accept that this is how it’s going to go.

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