Laughs

How to Snag an Even Steven

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I am aware that people are totally jealous of my hottie husband, Even Steven.

Even Steven

And in honor of Valentine’s Day coming up in just a few days, I am sharing a few tips on how to snag an Even Steven of your very own.

The first thing you need to do is find him. It shouldn’t be too hard. I knew I’d found my Even Steven the moment I saw him wearing duck boots next to a keg.

Your Even Steven might look like this:

College Even Steven

Or this:

Even Steven

Or even this:

Even Steven

You will know him when you see him. And once you see him – you need to figure out a way to keep him.

This is what worked for me:

Be Where He Is

Basic stalking is not that hard. You go where he goes.

Wow – this is your class schedule / your favorite grocery store / your gym? Mine too.

Oh my gosh – this is your favorite bar / coffee shop / hockey arena? Mine too.

No kidding – these are your friends? They totally remind me of my friends!

Become A Klepto

I'm a Creepy Stalker

Every time you see him, take something of his before you go home. That way if he breaks up with you, he’ll have to see you at least one more time to get his stuff back.

And that’s when you’ll be wearing your skinny jeans and convince him to take you back.

Decorate His Car

Sneak out to his car, and decorate the dashboard with heart stickers. Even Stevens love that stuff!

Note: This isn’t the best idea during the summer months. The stickers don’t actually come off if they’re left in the hot sun to bake on for awhile. Also not a great idea if he shares the car with his brother. (Sorry Luke!)

Get Creepy

Next time you’re at his house, surprise him with sheets that you decorated yourself!

Make your Own Sheet

Nothing says creepy stalker like a giant sheet marking your territory. (And now you know Even Steven’s real name…)

Good luck snagging your Even Steven!

44 Comments

  1. Danielle Higginbottom-Brown

    February 13, 2012 at 7:24 am

    Oh Anna….I swear, you are the funniest girl ever! its not fair that my internet bestie and I are not neighbours….I told my husband that, and well, he just rolled his eyes at me…..maybe its a good thing though, because I think we would cause a lot of trouble together! lol!!!

  2. Christine

    February 13, 2012 at 7:59 am

    HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA I LOVE THIS!!!!!!!!!!!

  3. Patricia

    February 13, 2012 at 8:11 am

    What! His name isn’t really STEVEN? Now I’m all messed up for the day. I’ll be thinking up adjectives for Matt and wondering why you didn’t use those. So far, I only have Flat Matt.

  4. sue

    February 13, 2012 at 9:19 am

    OMG! the sheet rocks!

  5. Kai

    February 13, 2012 at 9:26 am

    I’m with Patricia! Hubby’s name is Matt? For real? Well, he’s just going to have to change it because at THIS age, I can’t AFFORD anymore confusion in my life! ‘Matt’, you are now OFFICIALLY Steven. (Did you feel my magic wand whooooooosh over you? Good. THAT MAKES IT LEGAL!) Moving on, Anna, you are a marvelous N-U-T! BWAHAHAHA! LOVE this post! As for me ever finding my own Even Steven … I gave up long ago. Maybe I put guys off, not ONLY because I’m not exactly a beauty queen (understatement of the year!) but because I have a sign in my house that reads: IF IT’S GOT TESTICLES OR TIRES, IT’S SURE TO BE TROUBLE. Guess I’d better just go ahead and get a cat. I’ll leave the Even Steven search to all you pretty girls!

  6. Kirsten

    February 13, 2012 at 9:34 am

    Lord woman you are crazy! Hilarious addition to the blog hop – thank you! 🙂

  7. Kim

    February 13, 2012 at 9:45 am

    So I am mentally scared…I knew his name wasn’t Steven, but I am not sure he looks like a Matt…lol. My hubby’s actual name is Steven, and that is what made me start following, because he is totally even, I think it is a hilarious “code name”…love your stalkerish styles…the sheets are awesome!

  8. danee

    February 13, 2012 at 10:13 am

    well you snuck his name in a time or two before but I gotta say the big reveal today on a sheet….now that is classic and classy. Hold on tight….you might find some blog-stalkers movin’ in on your territory, I mean….not every man out there is smart enough or resourceful enough to fix a floor with DUCT TAPE….

  9. Camille

    February 13, 2012 at 11:17 am

    The sheets?! Seriously AWESOME!! LOL

  10. Dork Dad

    February 13, 2012 at 11:58 am

    And just in case he should ever think of LEAVING those sheets:

  11. Dork Dad

    February 13, 2012 at 12:08 pm

    Bah. I was all proud of my clever link to a picture of Kathy Bates in Misery holding the sledge hammer. But my linking skills aren’t up to snuff enough to make it show up in the comment. You’ll just have to use your imagination.

  12. Jennifer Dawn McLucas

    February 13, 2012 at 1:08 pm

    “Flat Matt” Ahahaha! Thanks for that!

  13. Rachel

    February 13, 2012 at 1:51 pm

    Such good advice. I’m totally tucking this info away if my current 15 year long relationship doesn’t work out. 🙂

    I actually met my husband because he was coming up to my floor in the dorm to retrieve some of his clothes that were taken by one of my friends (and his ex) a few doors down. His fraternity and my sorority had a pimps and prostitutes night the next night and the rest is history. Such a romantic story.

  14. imklvr

    February 13, 2012 at 2:36 pm

    You know, the tips are great…but do you actually think there is another Even Steven Matt out there? One that will not only patch your kitchen floor with YELLOW duct tape, but one that will pee in a cup for you to rid your porch of cats AND leave you behind for an (imaginary) shark to eat? I think NOT! He’s a one of a kind keeper! Can’t wait to meet him when I come to live with you!

  15. Bethany

    February 13, 2012 at 4:43 pm

    You are soooo funny! I really enjoy reading your posts. 🙂

  16. Michelle

    February 13, 2012 at 5:36 pm

    I found my “Even Steven” via the stalking route too…not the creepy stalking route, just the use-my-little-sister-as-a-decoy stalking route! He lived across from the city park, I’d drive by and see him there and run home and grab my cute little sister and say, let’s go to the park!

  17. Lisa~The SweetTalk Shop

    February 13, 2012 at 8:58 pm

    I was just talking to my BFFTWD last week about how we used to stalk our hubbies and how now there are laws against that kind of thing. So you have to get really creative to get away with it. Lord we did some crazy things back in the day. I hope I never make her mad!

  18. Ali

    February 13, 2012 at 9:39 pm

    OMG, those sheets!!! You did not! Well, apparently it worked. I will be sure to print this and save it for my daughter, so someday she can learn some surefire ways to snag a dude. So glad I found your blog- it cracks me up.

  19. design fluff "Lucy"

    February 13, 2012 at 10:57 pm

    lol! As soon as I opened this up in my email and saw the title, I started snorting!

  20. Drama Mama Lori

    February 15, 2012 at 11:39 am

    okay, i read your stuff and laugh and laugh and think we’re an awful lot alike! you are officially going in my “daily reads” list! ~Lori

  21. [email protected]

    February 15, 2012 at 8:28 pm

    You are so right — I knew “him” when I saw him! And —– his real name isn’t Even Steven either! I would love it if you would come link up with Busy Monday (through Thursdays) at A Pinch of Joy, a linky party for ideas that make life better, easier and more fun!

  22. [email protected]

    February 16, 2012 at 12:28 pm

    hahahaha. This is awesome. I, myself, may have employed a few of these tactics in my own former romantic life… But I won’t say 🙂 Thanks for the giggles!

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  25. Holly

    September 6, 2012 at 10:19 am

    Ha- I just read this post for the first time and am crying with laughter. The creepy man hands….seriously, I have a few of those hand photos- why does that happen? Love the bed sheet idea..I hope you kept that- classic! Thanks for the laugh this morning. Holly

  26. Janine Huldie

    January 31, 2013 at 7:02 am

    Oh man this was great and seriously your blog is the best way to wake up in the morning. I already have a Kevin, but if I ever ned advice again or know someone that does, I send them your way. Oh loved how you revealed Even Steven’s name!! Have voted for you like always!! 🙂

  27. Cari

    January 31, 2013 at 7:45 am

    Anna,
    You are great!!
    I made creepy boxer shorts for my husband and painted I love Kevin in hearts! You remind me of so many great times!! Have a wonderful day!

  28. Amy

    January 31, 2013 at 7:57 am

    If the ink on those beautifully decorated sheet bled, your territory would have been marked twice. Once on his bed, and once on his back (and arms, and face, and legs.)

  29. emily

    January 31, 2013 at 8:15 am

    I meet my ‘even steven’ when I stayed with my brother for a bit during a hard time.He was my brothers roomate.lol Anyways we will be together 7 years this summer and married for 4.

  30. Shelly Kramer

    January 31, 2013 at 8:22 am

    This post cracked me up. The bed sheet is, um, very creative. And hearts on the dashboard?! Oh my.

  31. The Dose of Reality

    January 31, 2013 at 8:33 am

    Well, now we know the secret!! I never would have thought of the stickers or the sheets. Very creative!! (I was ALL about the clothes stealing, though!!)

  32. Mindy

    January 31, 2013 at 9:08 am

    Wow. I already have a Steven, but I’ll be sure to pass these timeless tips into my daughter!

  33. Tabitha

    January 31, 2013 at 10:41 am

    My Even Steven’s name is Ron & he got stalked for several months before he gave in to my stalking ways..haha! Wish I would have thought of the sheets; I would have so totally done that. He might have ran, but those are PRICELESS!!

  34. Ashley Emmett

    January 31, 2013 at 12:48 pm

    oh my!! i feel a little violated to know that his name isn’t really steven! i think this might take a few days to sink in!! i am also a total stalker, and in my younger days would have totally attacked the sheets! love it!!

  35. Trista @ Budget For Baby

    January 31, 2013 at 4:16 pm

    I already got my own Even Steven, but I’ll pass on your tips to my single friends! Oh wait, I don’t have any. I’m totally gonna decorate sheets some day though. Great idea!

  36. Cyndy

    February 1, 2013 at 11:15 pm

    ES looks SO young in that first pic!
    You remind me of http://www.overlyattachedgirlfriend.com/ =D

  37. sparkling74

    February 2, 2013 at 9:56 am

    That sheet is hysterical. As are most of the things you confess to doing. I tried stalking boys in college but it being a southern college, they didn’t take much to this forward northern girl who wasn’t all yes ma’am, no sir. Sad, really. If we had been in school together, I think we would have been great friends. And I haven’t looked at your picture of your messy dorm room but I suspect I would happily add to the mess and clutter. I tend to have a lot of stuff and other people don’t especially love living with that!

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  39. Anna ~ Instructions for my Husband

    October 1, 2013 at 6:37 pm

    Love the sheets, which also serve an excellent determent to all the other ladies.

  40. Liz from WomanlyWoman.com

    October 1, 2013 at 8:00 pm

    One of the ways I knew my boyfriend was heading towards dumping me is that he seemed to be sneaking around my apartment looking for things that were his. He was like, “Did I leave my DVD up here?” and “Isn’t that my wrench?” and “Did you steal my chapstick again?” Looking back, I kind of wasn’t that into him either because I was happy to pass over all the random junk of his in my apartment. Then when he broke up with me, that very day, I grabbed an empty box and started putting random crap of his in it. (He was never good at collecting all his stuff even when he did like me.) For two weeks, I kept adding to the box. Then I texted him and said, “There’s a random box of your crap outside your door.” If only he had done the same for me. The problem was, the thing I left at his place was food and he probably had already consumed it.

  41. mamakraft

    February 11, 2014 at 10:24 am

    Love it when a little innocent stalking really pays off! Way to go!

  42. Her Royal Thighness

    February 11, 2014 at 10:56 am

    You are so funny. Are all of your pictures photoshopped, or is that really you wearing all of Even Steven’s stuff? I just love your sense of humor, Anna! I was a stalker in high school! Used to ride my bike up and down Danny D’s block, hoping to catch him outside and just “happen to be riding by!” Of course, first I called and hung up, to make sure he was home. Ahh … those good old stalker days, before caller ID!

  43. Her Royal Thighness

    February 11, 2014 at 11:02 am

    I am so technologically challenged! Can’t figure out why my gravatar doesn’t show up. OY!

  44. Anita

    February 13, 2014 at 10:10 am

    For some reason stalking didn’t work for ME. Perhaps it needs to be the right man. Haha. Once in highschool much to my utter remorse and embarassment I did stalk ‘the love of my life’ turns out he wasn’t much interested. Haha luckily I learned from THAT lesson and never showed too much enthusiasm (or at least tried) with any guy again until I got engaged. If I had to pic I’d choose the last even steven (haha). This is too funny!

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