Even Steven Tells All
Well, it only took him 5 months or so, but Even Steven has finally answered the questions you had for him.
Tell us about the moment when you knew Anna was “the one.”
Will let you know when I get there… (From Anna: Ha Ha – not funny)
Why is your son obsessed with trash?
I’m sure that some counselor somewhere (not that there are any in the family that would ever analyze anything) will be able to link an early childhood experience to his obsession.
Until then, I’ll chalk it up to lights, trucks, and getting to break stuff! (From Anna: my mom is a counselor.)
We all know it was love at first sight when Anna saw you in your duck boots by the keg, but what was the first thing that attracted you to her? I’m betting it was her Greek calves.
It was actually her Greek uni-brow, but the calves were a close second.
Why were you wearing duck boots to a party in college?
If you have ever been to a bar in Oxford, OH, then you would understand why I chose to wear duck boots on a majority of nights. The combination of beer, vomit, cigarette butts, and Bagel & Deli remnants could wreak havoc on a pair of sneakers. Don’t let those red brick buildings and idyllic meadows fool you – there’s still a fair bit of law breaking going on there. Duck boots are waterproof, anti-slip, and just the right balance of frat-prep-tastic.
Even Steven – I just want to know if I can join your family. Pretty please?
You are welcome to join our family, where we like to say “membership has its privileges”. And by privileges I mean on any given day there is a 99% chance that you will be made fun of in front of an online audience, see your personal items mysteriously disappear, roll around town in your choice of a minivan or 12 year old Volkswagen, or be photographed in spandex. Come join the fun.
Dear Even Steven……would you please convince your wife that she could be a writer? You have to admit she’s hilarious. I’ve been working on her for a while now, even have a friend who self published a book, so we have someone to go to for info! Her e-book was wonderful, and another sign that she has it in her. I told her I’d come live with you guys to take care of the kids and the house (for a percentage of the profits). So please, Even, (yes, first name basis!) won’t you help me convince her? She’s wasting herself giving all these great stories away for free! Thanks! Dona
Whoa Dona… that was a long set of questions there. You are the second person to offer to come live with us, so you might have to choose between the couch and futon (personally, I like the futon in the basement where you don’t even have to wake up when the tornado sirens go off). I have always encouraged her to pursue her dream to be a starving artist…err…writer. And since you agree that she shouldn’t give the stories away for free your invoice is in the mail.
Now that you’re married to her, do you actually talk to your wife on the telephone or do you only text her? And how much money did you make from inventing texting?
I hate talking on the telephone. Anyone that has ever known me knows that, so Anna no longer takes it personally. I made about as much money from inventing texting as Al Gore did for inventing the internet.
Does your stomach hurt regularly or have you developed a six-pack of laughing muscles being married to Anna?
My stomach hurts constantly, and contrary to popular belief it’s not from her cooking. And remember Anna, we’re laughing with you (wink-wink, nudge-nudge).
Do you eat Crisco out of the can like Anna does? How do you feel about this habit of hers?
No, my canned food of choice is Cincinnati chili, which looks like…well, you get it. I am fully supportive of her Crisco episodes, as it’s much more difficult to lose this snack under her pillow than some of her other snacks.
Do you eat counter butter too?
Converted, and I’m not dead yet, although I have realized that it does not work well for corn on the cob. Does anyone remember that Saturday Night Live skit where the kids went on the Pioneer field trip and Brittany Spears was churning butter? That was a good one. (Note from Anna: I have no clue what he’s talking about.)
Can we see some more pictures of you in your spandex?
Yes, but you will need to search on Ashley Madison.com to find them. (Note from Anna: Ha Ha. Not funny. I’ll just post them right here instead. And – mom – please don’t ask me what Ashley Madison is – and don’t look it up either.)
Do you want to puke in your mouth a little when you see Anna drinking warm Natty Light?
I really want to jab the can with a key and shotgun that biatch… but instead I let her enjoy a little moment of being young and free again.
What is the nicest thing you’ve done for Anna in the past month?
According to me or her? If you were to ask her, she would probably give you some BS answer about cooking dinner or cleaning, or something else that she reads about in one of the 48 middle-aged woman magazines that she gets regularly. Cindy the mail lady dreads coming to our house for fear that she won’t be able to drag all of that crap from her truck to the mailbox.
Okay, back to the question. I did finally accepted her friend request on Facebook (I now have 5 and that’s more than I can handle). That was nice of me. (Note from Anna: He’s not kidding. It took him at least a month to accept my friend request. We’re still not “married” on Facebook.)
Why are you so afraid of sharks? Why did you leave Anna for dead in Hawaii?
Not true, I was just trying to find the metal phone cable at the bottom of the ocean that we needed to follow under the coral reef to get back into the safe place since Anna cannot go underwater without holding her nose and flapping like a wounded penguin. Don’t believe what you read in the tabloids.
Note from Anna: I tried to get him to say “Laters, Baby” – but he had no clue what I was talking about. And he made this face: