Blast from the Past: Alice’s Search for New Parents
Single, white, 4-month-old baby seeks experienced parents to raise me for the rest of my life. Amateurs need not apply.
- You must have experience with trimming nails.
- Even if you have experience trimming nails, you must NEVER trim my nails while you are talking on the phone.
- If you do talk on the phone while trimming my nails, and you nick the skin on my thumb, you must not put me to bed if my thumb is still bleeding – just because I fall alseep.
- If you do put me to bed while my thumb is still bleeding, and I wake up an hour later, you must not act surprised to find my face, hands, body and crib covered in blood. After all – you put me to bed with my thumb still bleeding!
- If you do find me covered in blood in my crib (because you put me there with my thumb still bleeding), you must not panic and call the doctor’s office at 9 pm and request to have the doctor on call stop whatever they’re doing to call you and tell you what stupid parents you are.
- If you do panic and call the doctor’s office at 9 pm because you cut my thumb while you were talking on the phone (and then you put me to bed and later found me covered with blood), you must not take pictures of me while you’re waiting for the doctor to call back.
- If you do take pictures of me while you’re waiting for the doctor to call (to tell you to put a bandaid on my thumb), you must never post the pictures on your blog. Ever.
- You also must not have a 20-month-old son that enjoys smashing crackers into my head.