A Letter to Pottery Barn Kids

By  | 

Dear Pottery Barn Kids,

I’m writing to inform you of a variety of mix-ups in several of the orders I’ve placed over the last four years.

Before I had kids, I envisioned what my future family would look like, and I pored over your catalog – agonizing over my decisions before placing my orders. And while you generally sent me what I ordered (two boys and one girl), now that they’re older, I’m finding several things that I didn’t see when looking at the pictures or reading the descriptions in your catalog.

For example, I really thought that the kids I ordered from you would be master artists and create works of art that I could use to decorate their art studio or my home.

But the kids you sent me are terrible artists.

My Kids is NOT an Artist

I also thought the kids I ordered would be adorable in the bathroom – kindof like these ones in your catalog.

But the kids you sent me are destroying my bathrooms. I found dirty diapers in my wall – there’s pee in my toilet brush holders – and I won’t even mention the potty talk that’s going on…

Kids Sitting on the Sink

Your catalog shows kids playing very appropriately with their toys – and clearly putting everything away when they’re finished.

But that’s not at all how my kids play. And they don’t seem to know how to pick up anything.

Trash Man Miles

This is rather minor – but the little boys in your catalog don’t seem to have massive booger collections on their walls.

Yet the boy you sent me seems to excel at this. Might be something you want to add into your descriptions.

Booger Collection

And – this doesn’t bother me a bit – but when I ordered a child that would dress up like a princess – well – you certainly sent me one. It’s just different than what I expected.

Princess Miles

All in all, I really love the kids you sent me. But I thought I should let you know that other parents might not be as understanding.


PS – I do appreciate you sending such a great dancer! Had I known she would have such talent, I might have ordered another one.

Alice is a Dancer


  1. Kira =]

    January 9, 2012 at 8:48 am

    Your boy has a booger collection on his wall, too!! I thought mine was the only one like that. He was so proud of it. While I was so grossed out by it. Love the post!

  2. April K

    January 9, 2012 at 9:25 am

    I have found boogers on the wall next to the toilet. Here’s one even better – while cleaning the toilet, I have found boogers on the side of the toilet! I guess they have to do something to pass the time while they sit there since they can’t read! We’re all in the same boat together!

  3. imklvr

    January 9, 2012 at 11:24 am

    Booger collections! Times they are a-changin’! When my kids were little (and myself, if I’m gonna be honest) they ate ’em. Makes the wall sound like a good idea. Thanks again for a wonderful post!

  4. Danielle Higginbottom-Brown

    January 9, 2012 at 12:43 pm

    LMAO!!!!! from a mom of 2 boys, this cracked me up! so true! Just the other morning my hubby and I were looking around our house saying “remember when we had nice things, and nice furniture? and the house was decorated just so?” now our house is stripped of anything breakable, removable or that can be used in a possible covert launch attack against others….sigh….now I live the life as sahm (and Im frumpy to boot)

  5. Erika McCulloch

    January 9, 2012 at 2:00 pm

    Anna! This is hilarious!! Your kids are going to love reading your blog when they get older!!! I love it!! Thanks for the laughs! Miss you guys!

  6. Pati @ A Crafty Escape

    January 9, 2012 at 3:22 pm

    This was HILARIOUS!

  7. Nydia

    January 9, 2012 at 7:35 pm

    The cyclops pumpkin made snot shoot out of my nose with sudden laughter. True story! LMAO! I find my son has the amazing ability to pee behind the toilet! It’s like magic. I actually find pee behind the toilet!!! Nobody told me about this. Check behind there.

  8. Sheila

    January 9, 2012 at 7:41 pm

    I won’t comment on the booger wall, but your kids are very adorable in the bathroom. Love how each has his/her own sink for their feet.

  9. Lesley

    January 9, 2012 at 7:53 pm

    Hilarious! (We have booger walls in our house as well!)

  10. sparkling74

    January 9, 2012 at 8:19 pm

    Those stickers on the dancer are awesome!

  11. Amy

    January 9, 2012 at 10:07 pm

    I was literally laughing out loud while reading this post. My favorite was the princess. Thanks so much. You made my day!

  12. brittany

    January 10, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    awesome post! love it. Thanks for keeping it real.

  13. brittany

    January 10, 2012 at 6:52 pm

    awesome post! love it. Thanks for keeping it real.

  14. The Activity Mom

    January 11, 2012 at 8:25 am

    SO clever and hilarious! =)

  15. Kristen

    January 11, 2012 at 2:57 pm

    You just nailed it on the head with that post! Love it! I also can’t believe how many commenters admitted to having a booger wall! My oldest son did that for a long time. My youngest just eats them. Gross.

  16. Bitterroot Mama

    January 11, 2012 at 5:03 pm

    This was hilarious. Thanks for the post.

  17. Tammy T.

    January 11, 2012 at 5:23 pm

    Okay. I am laughing so hard right now. I used to have a booger collection in the back seat of my car and never knew it. I could not understand why my 10 year old would not sit on the other side of the car and she one day she told me about it. I am only laughing now because, well, it is cleaned up.

  18. Heather

    January 12, 2012 at 11:21 am

    Oh my goodness, you’re hilarious! You DID get super cute kids, that’s for sure! 🙂

  19. [email protected] in a Row

    January 12, 2012 at 3:39 pm

    Thanks for the laugh today!

  20. Jen

    January 13, 2012 at 9:00 pm

    How funny! You forgot to mention that your daughter doesn’t have her pearl necklace on along with her cardigan and hair neatly in a bun! 🙂 I have two boys and now I too am worried about the ‘booger wall’!

  21. Kai

    January 15, 2012 at 9:39 am

    And I need to have my granddaughter write to Pottery Barn too because my great grandson (age 2) takes off all his clothes at every single family birthday gathering & streaks away as far as possible. Someone is ALWAYS chasing a naked butt through parks or pizza places …

  22. Melba

    January 15, 2012 at 10:29 am

    wow! now i know who to blame for MY rotten kids! on day soon these kids are gonna HATE u for this post! isn’t it too, too much fun??? don’t forget to save these photos in the “EMBARASSMENT ALBUM” – a special album u keep for the sole purpose of embarassing ur kids like say on the first date, etc.

  23. Karen

    January 15, 2012 at 11:00 am

    HILARIOUS!!! And priceless!

  24. Sue

    January 15, 2012 at 12:48 pm

    Brilliant. We don’t have a Pottery Barn here in New Zealand so I just had to get my kids the conventional way. They appear to have the same qualities as yours, except for the booger wall – mine prefer to use the mobile mummy wall for their deposits.

  25. Danee

    January 15, 2012 at 6:39 pm

    OMG when I lived in NC my then 3 year old would strip to her panties at any chance and I got the hose out to water flowers and she stripped. A few hours later a police showed up- someone had called to complain. In the end the cops was really more worried about the man calling then my child but what is this world coming to.

  26. Danee

    January 15, 2012 at 6:41 pm

    The princess pic made me laugh out loud. Now you have another thing to worry about.

    AS for bad artists- when I was in NC my friends sent their kids to preschool at age 3. The one school was taking the kids artwork apart at night and ‘fixing it” so the moms would be happy. My friend wasn’t happy about this seeing as she wanted the artwork her child made- cycloptic and all- not the precious artwork of a 30 year old teacher

  27. Lori

    June 14, 2012 at 11:47 pm

    Today my six-year old yelled from the bathroom, “MOM-MAAAAA! I have poop stuck in my bottom and it won’t come OUUUUUT!”
    What occurred next shall remain unsaid. I spent the rest of the day feeling like an unsung hero. I also had an urge to send my mother a thank-you card.

  28. Darcy Perdu

    June 3, 2013 at 4:24 pm

    Absolutely priceless! I love this post! I worried I was the only one with a booger wall! Thank goodness I’m not alone!

  29. TishM

    June 6, 2013 at 9:04 am

    LOL! The older boy with the booger collection looks like he’s giving the Even Steven trademark ‘look’. And I love how your boy dressed in the princess costume is giving the hand. Your kids are stinkin cute!!

  30. Michelle

    June 6, 2013 at 9:04 am

    My son’s booger wall is “me”. No matter where I am, if he picks a nice juicy one, he tracks me down and hands it to me, even in the middle of the night. Once in a while he’ll just wipe it on my shirt if I’m not paying close enough attention. I WISH he had a booger wall. lol He is also known as “Captain No-Pants” in the neighborhood. Glad we’re not the only non-Pottery Barn home. 😀

  31. Theresa

    June 6, 2013 at 9:05 am

    LOL! I totally thought your kids were adorable in the bathroom! Don’t even get me started on my kids’ bathroom. Pee. EVERY. WHERE. eww. Also- our boy loves to dress up as a princess with his older sister, and wear my high heels, and get his toenails painted occasionally. I just roll with it. Whatever. If he’s not screaming- by all means, bring on the tutu.

  32. MomChalant

    June 6, 2013 at 9:28 am

    Oh my gosh. This is hilarious. Personally, I think the real life pictures are better. No child is going to pick up after their self and they all have collections of boogers.

  33. Lacie

    June 6, 2013 at 2:21 pm

    They have also failed to say that no matter how lovingly and strategically shop for a new toy, the box is better.

You must be logged in to post a comment Login