Was it God or the Caffeine?

One night last week I heard a noise around 1 am. It was loud enough to wake me up from a sound sleep. But once I was awake, I didn’t hear it again.

I didn’t think it was a child. It wasn’t Even Steven having a stroke

And then I figured it was probably God waking me up to let me know that someone was about to break into our house. Because – you know – God’s cool like that.

So I immediately went on high-alert, ready to implement my God Woke Me Up to Warn Me That Someone Is Breaking Into Our House Plan.

It’s a simple plan, really – it goes like this:

  1. God wakes me up.Because we’re cool like that.
  2. Fumbling at the gate. We have a gate at the top of our stairs that is locked when we go to bed. When I hear the intruder fumbling at the gate, that’s my cue to take action. And of course he’ll fumble with the gate – those suckers are hard to open especially in the dark.
  3. I wake up Even Steven.This used to be first on my list, but after the first few times of waking him up, it got a little old. Now he’s bumped down to number 3.Even Steven and God
  4. Call 9-1-1. I’ll grab the phone next to my bed and dial 9-1-1. And of course they’ll answer immediately and arrive within minutes.
  5. Throw a left-jab or a dresser. Somehow, after I wake up Even Steven and call 9-1-1, I’ll develop super-human strength and run to the gate. I’ll either throw a left-jab at the dude and send him flying down the stairs, or I’ll take the dresser from Miles’s room and throw it down the stairs on top of him. It’s a decision I’ll have to make when I’m in the moment. 
  6. Protect the children. While he’s flying down the stairs, I’ll round up the kids and protect them somehow.

Now – clearly my plan isn’t all that great. And I’m not exactly sure why I’m waking up Even Steven if I’m not relying on him to at least throw a dresser for me or something – but that’s just how my mind works in the middle of the night.

So – anyway – last week, God wakes me up, and I don’t hear fumbling at the gate yet, but I reach for the phone in preparation. Except that it isn’t there. There is NO PHONE next to my bed!

That’s just not safe. Not safe at all. I might as well ride a bike without a helmet or hang upside down on the monkey bars or eat unwashed spinach. NO PHONE???

My cell phone was charging on the kitchen counter. Even Steven’s cell phone was in his work bag. Our home phone was charging in the kitchen.

And our other home phone (the one that’s supposed to stay in our room) somehow ended up in the middle of the street, where I ran over it twice with the minivan earlier that day.

Without the phone, my entire plan went down the drain.

So, instead, I checked on all of the kids. They were sleeping soundly.

I checked the gate – it was locked – and there was no one at the top fumbling to get to us.

And then I actually went downstairs and looked around. Everything looked the way it should look in the middle of the night – and to be honest with you – my house looks pretty clean in the middle of the night.

And then I grabbed my phone and headed back upstairs.

Except I couldn’t sleep.

So I came back downstairs and watched TV and answered emails until 4 am.

The moral of this story? There are several, in case you didn’t catch them.:

Maybe it’s best not to have a plan. (It worked for me during labor, might suit me now.)

Don’t live on the edge – sleep with a phone next to your bed.

Just because you wake up in the middle of the night for no reason doesn’t necessarily mean that God is trying to send you a message.

It might just mean that the tea you drank right before bed wasn’t decaf.

25 comments on “Was it God or the Caffeine?

  1. I love your plan! We have the same gate and I have always felt like it would give me just enough time to implement something similar. The one thing you need to add is to keep your car keys on your night stand so that you can set off your car alarm! Apparently all the cool kids do that. :)

  2. OMG, so funny. You’re not crazy. I am the same way. My husband thinks I’m smoking crack every time I wake him up to go check on a noise. So, now i just do it myself. Even worse than that, however, is the not being able to go back to sleep! It’s so frustrating. And I find that the thoughts I have in the middle of the night tend not to be rational. They seem so at the time, but then in the light of day, they seem silly.

  3. I’m thrilled to hear I’m not the only one who wakes up to bumps in the night and simulates a plan in my head about what I’d do if someone was in my house. :) you’re too funny, Anna!

  4. HAHAHAHA You crack me up! I’m glad to know I’m not the only one who does this, though. You should put a baseball bat under your bed – then you won’t have to throw any left-jabs. Oh, and also, after you throw the jab/hit him with the bat, I think you should toss the dresser on top of him, too – why choose only one?

  5. The gate at the top of the stairs is my go to also…let’s me know if someone is trying to take a kid cuz it is so stinkin hard to use…SO, I came up with a master plan of sleeping with a bat under the bed (because it is pretty much pointless for me to wake up my steve too) but then Caiden found the bat and chased Ella around the house with it. So now I am back to having no master plan either…hmmm…and My phone that should be next to my bed never is either…although I don’t think I ran over it…nice one…that will keep me giggling all day :)

  6. Sometimes I wake my husband when I have to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night because I need him awake to save me in case Bloody Mary is waiting in the bathroom mirror. Seriously.

  7. Hahaha…I too have a “defend the family in the middle of the night” action plan. It also involves me up in the middle of the night, checking all the doors and getting on Facebook….because you never know who’s stalking you on FB.

  8. This is yet another reason why being a very sound sleeper is a gift. If anyone breaks into our house, I will be completely useless. Ignorance is bliss, right?

  9. the fact that you ran your phone over in the middle of the street is hilarious!

  10. Hahaha! YES! The burglar plan- it’s so true! My imaginary burglars are very slow, and when they reach the top of the stairs will sort of stare blankly around, giving me plenty of time to get into action… yeah right. lol. Thanks for making me feel normal :)

  11. This is one a of the reasons I wear earplugs to bed! Aaaaand because my husband is a very LOUD sleeper ;)

  12. Dear Even Steven,
    I’ve got your back. Rumor has it that your lovely wife flattened your bedroom phone with the minivan (I love that), so it is not currently in your room. Might I suggest that for less than $15 you get a corded phone for the nightstand in your bedroom. It will always be attached to the wall by a cord and ready to dial 911 at a moment’s notice when you/she are threatened by unidentifiable intruders or noises…or bad dreams or perhaps even a creative imagination (not that that would never happen). Maybe you can then trade places with No. 4 in “the plan,” and the current No. 3 (911) can take care of everything and you can SLEEP.

    I had to do this when my 17-year-old daughter would carry the cordless phone/s into that pit we call her room and lose them under a pile of laundry or in her bed somewhere. We couldn’t fiind a phone to talk on. I also required that our new kitchen phone not be corded so as not to wind up in the laundry pile in the pit.

    A couple of years ago I backed our minivan into my husband’s car when I was backing out of our garage, so be thankful that Mrs. Even Steven simply ran over the phone.

    Good luck!!

    Judie S.

    • I meant that the kitchen phone be ‘corded.’

  13. I keep telling my husband that I’m not the only one who thinks like this! I’ll have to show him your post to prove it. Thanks for the laugh!

  14. Dare I say again that you are hilarious? And you state the God’s honest truth, too! Oh, girl, that book is gonna make us..uh, you rich!

    and FYI, it could be my ‘puter, but your Tyson ads cover the first part of all the comments. Is it me?

  15. When my hubby was deployed, I used to put things on the floor in front of the doors so I could hear if anyone broke into the house based on what they stepped on. Turns out, that just leaves a big mess of stuff to clean up in the morning and when your father-in-law comes to check on things before you wake up, he has to step over or kick whatever is placed in front of the door, in turn only making you embarrassed at the mess when he asks, “Michelle, why are there 4 tennis rackets on the floor by the door? I almost stepped on one. The strings could break if someone stepped on them.”

  16. I apparently need a bigger house so it will take the invaders longer to get inside and down the hall to the bedrooms so I can enact something similar to your plan! (Mine would include waking up my fifteen year old daughter — after ten years of karate, can I cound on her to kick their butt?)

    A couple of nights ago, our smoke detector went off at 2am, then stopped. Not the low battery chip, either. It blared. Hubby and I disagree about the proper response, which I’m pretty sure includes checking every room in the houe, and the attic, and the barn, before anyone goes back to sleep.

  17. We have a baseball under our bed. I think you need a baseball bat. That sounds like a plan.

  18. LOL! I have a similar plan. Except waking up my husband is even further down the list, because he sleeps like the dead and he snores like a grizzly. I figure anything that wakes me up over his snoring really is a message from God (hey it works for me), and does require attention. My son gave me his baseball bat just in case, because he doesn’t want me to be unarmed in the middle of the night.

    But if it wasn’t God warning you, it may have just been the counter butter calling you to come have some toast!

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  20. So funny! I have the same gate, and I figure if a burglar can get past that and through the minefield of toys strewn all over the floor, then he’s earnest his haul!!

  21. I always have the phone by the bed. 2 actually: my cell phone AND the back up for our cordless that actually plugs into the wall. We also have a gate at the top of the stairs and when I hear it bang in the night…..I know my hubby is home from the night shift and come up the stairs in the dark and forgotten it was there again. I know this because God would probably not say “s&*t” when he wakes me up in the night. So I just go back to sleep.