My Giant Vasshole – and 9 more things that have changed after giving birth

I was honored to have this post published at Scary Mommy! Finally – my giant vasshole is proving to be good for something!

10 Parts of Myself I Don't Recognize After Giving Birth @LifeandKidsBlog on @ScaryMommy

Having three kids has done a number on my body… and my life. From the giant elephant that used to be my vagina to the varicose vein that constantly gets snagged on the coffee table, there are countless parts of myself that I no longer recognize. The top ten…

1. My Elephant. You might call yours a vagina, but I made the mistake of taking a hand mirror down there for some post-childbirth exploration, and all I saw was a giant, weary elephant looking back at me. Sometimes I have nightmares that he’s trying to eat me. On Mondays, I can hear him sighing in exhaustion.

2. My Legs. What I used to consider legs are now mountainous road maps that all seem to point to a nursing home. I snag my varicose vein on the coffee table multiple times a day. And don’t even get me started on the sexiness that oozes from my compression hose.

3. My Life after 10 pm. I used to be doing my first shot at 10 pm. Now I feel like I’ve been shot at 10 pm. Going to bed before midnight used to make me nervous that I was missing out on something. Now I start to twitch if I’m not in bed by 11 pm – because I know someone will be waking me up at midnight, one, two, three, four and five.

4. My Stomach. I really don’t know why it’s called a muffin top. Muffins are delicious and make me smile. But the dough ball that continues to rise over the top of my pants is not delicious and it does not make me smile. But it does keep me from being able to look down and see my varicose vein, so I guess that’s a good thing.

5. My Ride. One word: Minivan. Or is that two words? Before kids, I would have had time to look that shit up… and I would have cared about getting it right.

6. My Dry-Shriveled Carrots. AKA, my breasts. After three years of breastfeeding, I got so talented that I could swing one behind my head and pass it around the minivan for anyone that needed a snack. I just asked that it be passed back before anyone got out of the car. (I do have some standards.) Now that my breastfeeding days are over, my breasts have been replaced by dried out, shriveled up baby carrots.

7. My Right Eye. Am I the only person on earth to have one eye become larger than the other post childbirth? I have WebMD’d this issue countless times – but there appears to be no known disease to diagnose me with. All I know is that my face used to be somewhat symmetrical. After baby #3? Well, I don’t want to brag, but I have been invited to be the crazy-eyed freak at the circus.

8. My Clothes. I was never all that put together in the first place, but I did used to leave the house every morning to go to a place called WORK. I owned high heels. And pants other than torn jeans and sweats. Now I just pray that no one near me dies, because I’d have absolutely nothing to wear to a funeral.

9. My Perineum. I didn’t even know I had a perineum until it was destroyed by three vaginal births. And apparently – I have a SHORT perineum – which means that I tore from hole to hole during each childbirth – resulting in a giant vasshole. And giant vassholes produce a lot of sharts – trust me.

10. My Poop. I used to be on a very rigid schedule – 10 am every single morning – just after my 2nd cup of coffee and just before my morning snack. Post children, this type of rigid schedule is laughable. And apparently my giant vasshole only feels like working when I’m out in public with all three kids.

What about you? Can you relate?

77 comments on “My Giant Vasshole – and 9 more things that have changed after giving birth

  1. You are seriously my hero. This post was so funny I actually snorted so loudly in my office cube that it became ‘office inappropriate’. But it was worth it. I’d write more here but I’m currently lobbying to have ‘vasshole’ added to the Merriam Webster dictionary. You deserve rainbows and cookies that taste full fat but add nothing to your waistline.

  2. Great stuff! Very funny! I could add my bladder that has been on strike, since I last gave birth. It tends to leak when I laugh, sneeze, cough or sigh!

    Loving your Vasshole!

  3. Great stuff! Very funny! I could add my bladder that has been on strike, since I last gave birth. It tends to leak when I laugh, sneeze, cough or sigh!

    Loving your Vasshole!

  4. That is one of the funniest things I ever read!!! My muffin top and vasshole are not handling all the laughter well.

  5. Funeral clothes! Me too. I’ve always stressed about not having any proper funeral clothes – not to be confused w/ airport clothes, still dark, but worn for dirt AND comfort – during those crucial early mommy years; 2013 finally proved to be the year I’ve got that taken care of… my kids are 20, 18 & 16.

  6. Very funny post.

    I didn’t even know what a Perineum was… I only knew it as The Taint (taint the front & taint the back) hahaha… Learn something new everyday. :-)

  7. My feet. Not only did they grow, they grew differently. I cannot find a pair of shoes that fit both well. One foot is crammed and the other steps out. Looking forward to flip flop weather.

  8. I can so relate, but would like to add one. Does anyone else have a fu man chu after having kids? I could be the bearded lady at your circus!

  9. My husband and I have four kids and laughed until we cried reading this. I wanted to applaud your honesty and add that I too suffer from rock- in- a- sock syndrome. Our kids will never appreciate our sacrifices.

  10. Ya…What’s with the farting? They just slip out now! Like how did having a baby affect my ability to hold in farts? AND you didn’t touch on leaking! I laugh, I pee a little. Jump, I pee a little. Cough, I pee a little. I’ve only had one kid too! What’s going to happen when I have another one? Will I have to start wearing depends 24/7? Hilarious post! xo

  11. My husband and I had our third child 4 months ago, and we seriously were laughing out loud at this post, I was crying! I immediately said, “I have to add that I got a fu man chu after having our 2nd”, and then I read the comments and see that someone else has this awesomeness as well!! Thank you for keeping motherhood real and real funny! I really needed this laugh today.

  12. Um, anyone else not recognize their hairy belly? Or is that just me who grew a fuzz while pregnant with the third baby and felt compelled to shave it because my mom wasn’t around to tell me “IF YOU SHAVE IT, IT WILL GROW BACK THICKER AND DARKER!!!!” She’s almost two and I still have to add it to my hair removal regimen…

  13. You are so hilarious! Thanks for this! It lived up to and past my expectations! :) The comments are great too. Fu Man Chu. Yep..got one. Pee leaker. Yep.

  14. I admire you more and more each day!! Good thing I set the coffee cup down before reading this or I would have snorked coffee out my nostrils…and that hurts….when you quit laughing!

  15. I don’t comment on all your posts but I love you.
    My husband comes and checks on me whenever I read your blog because I sit by myself somewhere crying tears of laughter and he has no clue why. Thanks for making me laugh so hard :)

  16. Have been trying to decide if me and the hubs should start thinking about popping out a few chitlins, but your “10 things” has made up my mind. Sleeping in and a regular poop just became more enjoyable!

  17. Laughed until I cried (and maybe peed a little). It’s like you’ve seen me naked!!! Ahhhh! I will also add that during the delivery of my 4th/last kid I busted a blood vessel near my eye that has not faded at all in 2 yrs, so I permanently look like I’ve been punched in the face. Oh – and I “blew out” a tear duct pushing that last giant baby out of my vasshole, so now when I blow my nose I feel air shooting me in the eye. Nice. Thanks for making the systematic destruction of our bods so freaking hilarious!

  18. I saw this post on Scary Mommy first – I loved it and still do.

    PS The Vasshole gets better, but shortly after that you reach the age where farts become much harder to contain.

  19. OMG! I’ve just found your blog… to find out I’m not the only one who has her right eye bigger since her third child birth!!! :O

  20. I can’t believe I never commented on this the first time I read it. The one about passing your boob around the minivan makes me snort out my Diet Pepsi every time I read it. And don’t even get me started on the sad elephant. Oh, and I have a freak eye, too! I never thought about looking back to see if I had it before I had kids and just didn’t notice it…but now I’m totally going to. I’ll be so pissed at them if they’re the reason I look like I’m winking in every picture I’m in. ;) < me

  21. Ok, I’m wiping my tears after reading this blog and the comments… I haven’t laughed this hard for the last 500 years! My tummy hurts with pleasure – thank you Anna and the rest of the gang for this! I really needed to find humour again in my life!

    I think I peed myself a lttle too…
    hope I didn’t wake my baby up (oops).

  22. I am laughing so hard I am crying! This is so hilarious and true. Thank you for showing a real side to childbirth and post-baby body.

  23. I am so glad you posted the Five Blog Posts My Mom hates–it’s basically a ton of hilarious stuff all in one place! (No offense, Anna’s mom!) The elephant had me ROLLING!!! I did the same thing when I had my daughter. Why, oh why, would we look?! I swear I hear mine trumpeting when I sneeze…

    :-)

  24. Lol at the varicose vein–I feel like I’m the only one whose legs still look like a 90-year-old woman’s!! And “muffins are delicious and make me happy!” Classic…

  25. I’m a dad of three. I had a female friend who once asked me what I thought of sex after my wife had our kids. I was like, “what do you mean?” Her response, “I heard it’s like throwing a hotdog down a hallway, and that worries me about having kids of my own.” Almost a decade later, I still can’t get that image out of my head.

  26. Just starting following you tonight :) Found you on Pinterest… I’m 8 months Pregnant lying next to my sleeping husband trying SO hard to quietly laugh and not pee my pants while reading these!!! So great

  27. Cheese and rice! HOW did I miss this? I guess it was during the time of the viral crud in my house when things were bleak and there was no laughter. But times have changed! I laughed through the whole thing. I am cracking up at the subtle humor, too, that a minivan would make the same list as your vasshole. Well played. Ellen

  28. I did the mirror after the baby thing… I have been to scared to ask my Dr if that is normal? I did not think your post was funny… it just made me cry. I hate what the little one has done to my outsides. But the love on the inside is worth it… I guess. I would still really love to poop like I use to though ;)

  29. Being the one in the group who is normally making everyone else laugh their asses off, it’s not often I find something that really makes me belly laugh. Yes, there are a few prize friends who can make me pee on occasion, but still, our meetings are too infrequent. But the reason I’m telling you all of this is because when I got to your #6, I laughed out loud, then wheezed, and tears came to my eyes. I chuckled through most of the rest, but then choked on “giant vasshole”, to which my husband asked me, “Are you alright?”. Just wanted to say thanks for the shriveled carrots, which I completely and depressingly understand…lol.

  30. Oh Dear ….. hahahahaha, I’m so glad I’ve found you. I think your blog and I are going to be good friends!!

  31. I got my veins fixed. After i finished nursing each of my 3 kids, I went to Artemis, had whatever new ones that popped up stripped, injected, lazered, whatever needed to be done. I was freaked about the cost, but found it wasn’t as much as I thought it would be. Keeping up with it after each kid helped it not get too bad. And I wore compression hose in my second and third trimesters. Hope this helps someone.

  32. Thank you for setting my eyeballs on fire with silent laughter while I read this in my office!!

    Actually, I lived with bad veins for 20 years and wore compression hose, and while I was pregnant discovered a place that could eradicate them. A few months after my son’s birth, I got four veins lasered shut (two in each leg) and am now free of snagging varicose veins. I’m tellin’ ya – if you can’t seal the vasshole you can at least do this. LOL

    Cheers!

  33. I adore your honesty, sense of humor, and way with words. I’m due to deliver in a few weeks, and now I’m worried about my perineum. Maybe it is short! I’m tempted to ask my doc at my appointment tomorrow morning. LOL

  34. OMG…I didnt see the warning until after I read this. I’m terrified!! I dont want a vasshole!!

    • I was blessed with a long and tough perenium, I still tore a little though. So here’s my advice to you; Chances are you are less likely to tear with a waterbirth, perenium massage, or if you use that stretch mark cream/oil on your lady bridge during pregnancy.

      Wanna know where I suffered? a slight knot where my tear healed up wrong, stretchmarks on my legs, yeah people don’t tell you the weight gain will get you in places you don’t think you need the cream, take my advice and bathe in the stuff or wave good bye to your short wearing days. Oh well other than a 1/4 inch droop from my boobs I suppose I should be grateful I can still wear a bikini top.

      I can empathise with not being entirely back to pre-preg state though. And don’t think I feel smug at all just cause I got off light, I’m not usually lucky so I’ve been effusively thanking my personal god for sparing me.

  35. Just laugh-cried out of my EYES that aren’t the same SIZES either!!!!! Holy cow- I have been googling Cyclopse eyes ever since I scared the crap out of myself taking a selfie shortly after having baby#2. Low and behold- my left eye is suddenly permanently droopy now- WTF!
    Ps. Can we be friends? A true friend is someone you have to wear Tena pads around! Ill be sure to put one on before i read your next post. I heart you for keeping this biz about motherhood real! :)

  36. I am childfree and sterilised. THANK FUCK!!!! How is this even funny you fucking weirds? Most people give birth to their brains too. Why would you want children seriously?! All it is is endless pointless shit and degredation :S I am thin and tight and my vulva is still pretty :D HAAAAA!

  37. Hilariously put!! So so frickin scary though!!

    Thanks Lucy for your input…a few mums trading war stories on their sacrifices obviously wound you up!! Why on earth were you even reading this if you’re so disinterested?
    Glad you’re still feeling great about your vulva! Oh the important things in life!

  38. The 10 Things list is one of the funniest f****ng things I’ve read in a long time. I found it when I googled: How did they make those kids cry in the Thanksgving scene in the movie, “Giant”? Really – that’s how I found you. Sometimes aimlessly websurfing while waiting for the 11 year old to go to sleep (please God) pays off.

  39. Wow Lucy- you’re a mega bitch and I’m so glad you aren’t reproducing! Now excuse me while I hug my amazing baby and hubby- oh wait a second- my life is supposed to be pointless! Hahaha to you!

    And yes this article made me laugh so hard my hubby had to make sure I was still breathing.

  40. LMAO! I think I died a little bit from laughter! I am currently pregnant with my first ‘child thingus’ (as my baby brother calls them) and I have so much to look forward too. Yay! *victory dance for the inevitable vasshole* I have one boob that is like a D cup, and one that is a B. It looks like someone popped it with a needle and it partially deflated. I’m going to go ahead and admit, I stuff the other size of my bra so my breasticles are even. It is strange to go into public and having strange peeps raising eyebrows at your disproportionate bossom. The belly stretching is also going to leave me with stretch marks I do believe, I was so tiny pre-pregancy and I have definitely ballooned out. I have went from 105pds and a size 0, to being 140 and a size 6(and I’m not so far along) lol. But it really isn’t the weight gain that has me bothered, it’s the fact that my arse and belly have taken over my body. I am running a close race with J-Lo in the booty department. Also what once was a tribal butterfly tattoo on my hip, is now a pitiful stretched thing that closely ressembles Oprah smoking a cigar. So glad that I can read these articles and laugh, it takes a lot of the stress away from the whole pregnancy thing. :)

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  43. THIS is supposed to make someone want to get knocked up?

    If anything, passing this out in high school will scare even the sluttiest teen girls into a life of chastity.

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  45. Holy crap….this might be my new favorite blog! I’m still crying from all the laughter! I literally feel your pain for 9/10 of this…only because I’m starting my 3rd pregnancy but I know what the outcome will be after the previous 2 tearing births! Lol I would like to add sideboob with armpit stretch marks. Okay I know sideboob is pretty common…especially with my saggy boobs after breast feeding 2, but who knew you could get stretch marks under your armpits?! I only realized it when my 2nd was a year old, who knows how long my husband was hiding this from me, with me thinking I could still ever halfway pull off a tank top until I saw that wrinkly disaster!

  46. My moms boobs were an a cup and now they are larger and rounder up to a large b

  47. OH MY GOSH! VASSHOLE! That’s awesome. I haven’t laughed out loud is a while. You rock!

  48. If it makes you feel better, I’m a 48-year-old who has never given birth and doesn’t look the crone part but my lady parts are dry and require special attention. And my breasts look good as long as I’m 5 pounds over my preferred weight—and really they need to be cold to have anything approaching firmness.
    So you can’t avoid the revenge of the hormones.

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