Stupid Things Even Steven has Said to Me

Even Steven is a smart man.

Most of the time.

He can do complex math in his head, knows alternate routes to every single place on EARTH (seriously), and can tell me with shocking accuracy how many minutes it will be until it starts raining.

“Anna, we have 19 minutes until it starts raining. We might want to get the towels out of the backyard.”

He’s smart.

But somtimes he says the studpidest things on earth, and it’s all I can do not to slap him across his sweet little face.

Even Steven

Here are just a few examples – perhaps you can relate?

1. I’m so tired.
Said repeatedly to me after the births of child 1, 2 and 3. And then elaborated on by saying, “I realize that you’re the one getting up to breastfeed every two hours all night long, but I can still hear you when you get out of bed and come back in.”

Can we all agree that he’s lucky to be alive?

2. Wow, honey, you look amazing. I can tell you’re really losing weight.
This would be fine if I actually was trying to lose weight and exercising like a mad woman.

Instead, it was said two days after I recovered from an epic battle with the stomach flu. Most people look like they’ve lost weight after they’ve been puking for 5 days.

And – we all know how long that weight stays off (about two minutes).

3. Oops – I think I’m accidentally wearing your jeans.
I’m not kidding here. I mean – COME ON! It’s bad enough that I married a man with the metabolism of a 5-year-old boy, but to flaunt that in my face by “accidentally” wearing my skinny jeans and only noticing because they were way too short? That’s just cruel.

4. Don’t stretch out my shoes.
Yes – it’s possible that my feet are a little larger than his.

Does that mean that I can slip his shoes on to grab the paper in the morning? Apparently not.

Does that mean he can slip my shoes on to grab the paper in the morning? Yes. Yes it does.

5. Wow – your thighs don’t touch anymore. Amazing.
Said shortly after #2.

And shortly after that, I was given an award for SHOWING INCREDIBLE RESTRAINT by my neighbors.

Pretty sure I’m now qualified to be something really important based on the fact that Even Steven is still breathing after that comment.

6. My arms are getting tired. Could you rub this spot on my shoulder?
Said while holding one of my legs during childbirth – WHILE I WAS PUSHING A HUMAN BEING OUT OF MY BODY.

Luckily the nurse had a little chat with him so that I could focus ON PUSHING A HUMAN BEING OUT OF MY BODY.

I think after reading this, we can all agree that I’m an amazing human being.

And in case you feel like I’m totally bashing Even Steven here and maybe don’t love him so much, just read this lovely tribute I wrote to him just earlier this week. See? I do love him – even though he can say really stupid things sometimes…

What really stupid things has your husband said to you?

PS – In case you can relate to any of these, this article should help – a lot!

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About Anna Luther

Hi, my name is Anna, and I'm here to share my stories, make you laugh and help you feel better about your crazy, messy, fabulous life.

14 thoughts on “Stupid Things Even Steven has Said to Me

  1. My husband says what did you do All day?! Like I have been sitting on my duff eating candy and watching television all day! This makes me go to ballistic!

  2. I was recently in a local theatre production playing a southern woman of about 85 years old….I am NO WHERE NEAR 85!!!!! After seeing the play my husband remarked that he could not believe how great the makeup artists were” they made your neck look exactly like an 85 year old woman… Remarkable” … They never did ANY makeup application to my neck ..not a bit! However I HAVE now taken to wearing a scarf 24/7! Oh…and said husband is in a cast( and not the theatrical kind!)

  3. Number 1. Pretty much verbatim! What are our men thinking? I don’t think they do, I think that’s the problem. πŸ˜‰

  4. This made me laugh, and wonder exactly how you managed to not slap him once or twice. Haha.

    Today I elbowed my husband in the ribs because he said something jokingly. I didn’t do it hard, but he said “ow that hurt” and when I said “seriously, I barely touched you?” he told me “well you try having someone elbow you in the ribs”. I looked at him like he was crazy, because currently, I am 9 months pregnant with #3 right now. He realized very quickly what he said and amended it to “I mean on the outside of your body”. Pfft.

    He has also made the comment about how tired he was and how hard it was holding my leg up when I pushed out #1. And he only had to hold it for about 10 minutes, because #1 came out after 3 pushes.

  5. When I was in labour with baby number two, my midwife asked me to rate my pain level. Now, I was experiencing the horror known as back labour, and the pain was atrocious. I rated my pain as an 8 or a 9 out of 10. My husband pipes up, “But she has a really low pain tolerance.” My midwife and I stared at him in disbelief, and she suggested that he trade places with me and see how well he tolerates it.

  6. SO hilarious! Open mouth, insert foot. My husband was good when I was in labor, but my doctor (not really my doctor, he was the one on call) said he couldn’t give me any more pain meds when I asked because “he had given me enough for a horse.” Really? Then why weren’t they working?!!! And he also asked me to quiet down because I was “scaring the other women on the floor.” He retired from delivering babies not long after that…gee, I wonder why.

  7. My husband said to me “what is it you do all day anyways? It seems like all you do is play on Facebook.” I am a stay at home Mom of 4 kids ages 4-12. He almost died that night.

  8. I don’t know if this comment ranks as stupid or just typically male: After a 8 week post-baby exam by my family doctor, my doctor gave me a good ol’ fashion high 5 and told me he couldn’t believe I’d every had a child. He said I was, “positively virginal”. When I (proudly) told my husband what the doctor told me, my hubby said, “Wait. Is he saying I’m not well-hung?”


  9. My dear husband once said to me, in a restaurant, in front of his whole family, “Give me your menu, I’m your nutrition warden so I’ll order for you.”
    I was half tempted to call my best friend and ask for bail money….

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