Several years ago I was training for the Chicago Marathon and was in Michigan for a visit. My sister-in-law Holli was in town from Hawaii, and my mom and I were excited to spend time with her. I got up early one morning and went for a 10-mile training run – the longest I had ever run in my life. I was dramatically tired and starving when my mom and Holli picked me up after my run.
We went straight to Beaner’s - the local coffee shop – so that I could fuel up. We got our iced coffee mochas, and Holli and I were waiting at a table while my mom got the bagels. And that’s when Holli told me a shocking story about a stripper in my hometown that was being sued because she sprayed breast milk into a patron’s eye. (There are so many things wrong with this story, that we won’t even get into that).
She told me this just as I was taking a huge sip of my iced coffee. And that’s when everything went wrong: I was so horrified at the thought of a stripper spraying breast milk into someone’s eye, that I totally lost control. My iced coffee mocha came out my nose which triggered my gag reflex and before I knew it, I was puking all over the table (and the floor and the chair) at one of the only coffee shops in Jackson. As in – my mother knew everyone there – as in – I had graduated from high school with the husband and wife owners (Matt and Denise – I’m super sorry for puking all over the coffee shop! Yes – it was me!)
Anyways – while I’m puking, Holli is laughing so hard that she’s crying and peeing her pants. All of the other coffee-drinkers are staring at me, and I can’t stop throwing up. I’ve never thrown up that much in my life. It was coming out my nose, and it was happening so fast that I couldn’t even breathe. Seriously – I was worried about myself.
And then my mom turns around to see what’s going on, and is absolutely mortified by what I’m doing. She marches over and DEMANDS that I stop immediately.
“ANNA – You stop that right now.
Stop it.
Stop throwing up now – this is ridiculous.
I live here. I said stop it. I’m never going to be able to come in here again.
I’m going to have to go through the drive through.
Holli – stop laughing. Get her outside, now!”
So in all my gasping for air, I-need-help-because-I-can’t-stop-puking state, Holli managed to drag me outside, where I proceeded to puke in the bushes. Unfortunately, I was standing in front of the wall-to-wall glass window of the Roly Poly next door.
Like I said – just a random story about why my mom still has to use the drive through at the coffee shop, refused to ever step foot into that Roly Poly and still thinks that I was puking on purpose.
And a pledge to my children:
Dear Miles, Alice and Simon,
If you are ever throwing up uncontrollably for a reason other than drinking too much alcohol, I promise not to yell at you and demand that you stop immediately – even if I am totally mortified. I will get you a cool cloth from the bathroom and use my own shirt as a bucket. That is how much I love you. XOXO, Mom
I am new to your blog. And I found this post to be the funniest thing that I have heard in along time. I really needed that laugh more than you know.
Oh my word! I have never heard such a funny story! That must have been entertaining for other patrons. At the very least, I am sure that it gave them something to talk about! Tell your mom I understand that at one point in our life, our children will embarrass us to the point of no return. (I have recently been there!) But I am sure that whoever was there at the time will not come back to point at her and yell, "that is the lady who let her daughter puke all over the store". I find it rather humorous that something so exciting would happen in our shop. (I just wish I had been there to laugh at you, Anna! (Miss you. . . would love to see you next time you come in town. Tell your mom to bring you in, NOT through the drive thru!)
Denise
This is the most hilarious thing I've read in a long time. Thanks for the laugh.
Priceless.
I had to add your blog to my Google Reader not only for your pithy blog title, but this story! Too funny!
I literally was laughing and had tears flowing down my cheek as I was reading…the people around me thought I lost my mind! Thanks so much for the laugh! I had to add you to my reader because I really enjoy your sense of humor and writing style!
Oh, my goodness. That really is the funniest story I've ever read. I'm still laughing at it. The series of events is just hysterical.
Oh my goodness that is the funniest thing I have read in a long time!!! Thanks for sharing!
Hilarious! My husband thought I was crazy I was laughing so hard!
I found your blog from modge podge rocks & absolutely just laughed my head off at this post. The most embarrassing, mortifying experiences make for the best stories when retold. Love it.
Oh my gosh, I just read your letter to your family, but this might be even funnier. I am crying I am laughing so hard.
Best laugh I've had in awhile ~ absolutely hilarious!
This is fabulous! I will have to bookmark it to read again and again when I'm in a crappy mood so I can laugh!
Oh my goodness. I stumbled on to your blog and then read this. I seriously had to stop and wipe my eyes and catch my breath from laughing/crying several times.
Funniest. Thing. Ever.
omGOSH Im cracking up laughing! You have a GREAT story telling comedic vibe and flow I love your blog and your writing style! Im a NEW Follower as of right now! I feel like I already know you!! Im a mom of three in three years too!
love jess
Dear Anna,
I found your blog this morning. (a slow day at work) I have wiled away a good two hours enjoying the antics of your children and the sweet personality that is you. Thank you.
I even read the "mean comment," which made me say, that person really needs to get a life!
Keep up the wonderful work. I find it amazing you are able to keep such a sweet spirit.
I’m sitting here, laughing my head off because I am your mother. That would so be my reaction. Especially because Holli was laughing. That would have made it so much worse for me. LIke you two had cooked up some master plan to embarrass me like that. In public.
Sadly, I am also Holli in this story because a) I can’t stop laughing at the most inopportune times, and b) I could get myself laughing so hard that I wet my pants which would just make me laugh harder and I am certain I would lose any strength to get myself out of the chair to drag you outside.
I also love that you were “dramatically tired”.
When I saw you linked up to made by you monday, I was like HEY she doesn’t have a craft here, that’s not fair! But after reading this, you can craft any story you want and make me laugh every monday!
At almost 34 weeks pregnant, it is an amazing feat that I didn’t just pee myself from laughing so hard. No, really. I haven’t laughed that hard in a corner by myself in a very long time. Dying. I’m pretty sure this one will sneak up on me throughout the day and at some point, I will pee a little.
that is hilarious…I puked my way through two pregnancies with Hyperemesis. Hey…hyperemesis also describes what you were doing too just sans baby-on-board. During the first pregnancy I didn’t have great drugs so I had to carry a bucket around- an old strawberry container form a UPick it place. My loving, but thoughtless, hubby cleaned my car and removed the strawberry pail. What??!!!!???? I had to stop the car and puke into a big trash barrel at the truck stop/gas station. Lucky me, a trucker walked by, giving me that “I know what you drank last night” smirk. Right buddy.
FYI….you know it is no longer Beaners..that name is a derogatory to a bean. Now it is Biggby or Big B or Biggie BB or some damn thing that doesn’t offend a bean.
Laughed so hard I cried.
Ok I laughed so hard that I cried! I’m supposed to be sick in bed and sad to not be at work, instead I’m cracking up from your stories! I’m your newest follower!
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Oh, gawd! Help me! I was laughing so hard my diaphragm went into spasms! I was falling all over the chair, crying, laughing, and screaming help me! I couldn’t stop laughing. I couldn’t breathe! Then I started dry heaving all over the place! I was already nauseous before I read this, and I have a VERY sensitive gag reflex!
I was reading it out loud to my husband and he couldn’t stop laughing, either. He had to run and get the trash can!
All I kept picturing while I was reading this was the Goonies, where Chunk is spilling it to the kidnappers, he’s like ” Everything. OK! I’ll talk! In third grade, I cheated on my history exam. In fourth grade, I stole my uncle Max’s toupee and I glued it on my face when I was Moses in my Hebrew School play. In fifth grade, I knocked my sister Edie down the stairs and I blamed it on the dog… When my mom sent me to the summer camp for fat kids and then they served lunch I got nuts and I pigged out and they kicked me out… But the worst thing I ever done – I mixed a pot of fake puke at home and then I went to this movie theater, hid the puke in my jacket, climbed up to the balcony and then, t-t-then, I made a noise like this: hua-hua-hua-huaaaaaaa – and then I dumped it over the side, all over the people in the audience. And then, this was horrible, all the people started getting sick and throwing up all over each other. I never felt so bad in my entire life. ”
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And the part about your mom! Ha! That threw me over the top. It was over at that point!
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BLAhajajajajjajaaja…totally hooked on you.. thanks for your intire blog.
Rarely am I one to laugh out loud while reading things but this one had me in stitches! Thanks for a great laugh today!
Oh the tears are running down my face. You are a breath of fresh air!
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Thank you for the great laughs! Love it! Too funny!
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Haha! What a fantastic story! Does your mom remember it the same way??:)
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LOL! Found your blog thru a link up. THAT was hilarious. Everyone is sleeping at my house (including family visiting) and I am in here cracking up! Thanks for giving me a laugh this AM!
By the Way, how did the marathon go?
Also, if you ever write about healthy things, (you seem like you might??) I’d love for you to link up at Healthy 2day Wednesdays, every week until Saturday afternoon… especially if you put humor in everything you write! Blessings!
Hahahahaha – That is one of the funniest stories I have heard in a long time. Can appreciate the small town aspect of this story.
Lady- You Rock! I’m half Greek and remember my mom the same way. I wasn’t feeling well tonight but it’s true…laughter is the best medicine. Efharisto poli, koukla!
WOW! Congrats, your post was my #4 most clicked post on Mommy Solutions last week. So you are being featured on my page. http://www.crystalandcomp.com/2012/02/the-mommy-club-share-your-resources-and-solutions-29/
Have a great week and feel free to stop in and CRACK me up again this week!
Crystal
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Okay, I love your story. I totally understand too. Not too long ago we went with our best friends to a new place in town. It was brand new, very expensive, and totally ‘high class’ if you know what I am talking about. We were there to celebrate a birthday. After we got there my dear sweet husband informs us that he does not feel well and he will just have some tea. We were all concerned as this is totally not like him at all. We offered to go home and try the place again another time…but NO; he said he was fine, he would just sip his tea and keep us company. Just as our food came out and the wait person was putting it on the table he grabs the white table cloth and starts puking all over the table and us. The food could not be saved, the other guests were running, and the wait person started throwing up too. It was a real mess. We threw a $100.00 bill on the table and ran for our life. No, we never went back. Yes, they are still open and do a fine business. I just do not ever want to show my face in there again.
Hi Anna! This post is the funniest thing that I ever read on the blogland. Every word you written make me feel like I am there too!
I donot know why I keep reading it again and again. THanks for the laugh you just make my day.
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I am now so completely traumatized by the idea of the breastfeeding stripper…
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Oh my GOSH! I am literally laughing so hard right now that there are tears coming out of my eyes.
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OMG – this is hysterical. “Anna – you stop that this minute” “Young lady – I still have to live here” . . . I almost wet myself reading this one.
LMAO!!! Wow! I haven’t laughed ’til I cried in a long time. So glad I stumbled onto your blog.
Too Funny!!! Especially when your mother demanded that you “Stop it right now!”
I laughed so hard I couldn’t breathe and had to use my inhaler. Hilarious!!!
Aaah!!!! Like seriously!?!? You are freaking great!!!
Let’s be friends. Muahahahahahhaha.
omg, that’s an amazing story, LOL! You are a crack up:)
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That was just the best – so funny. Loved it. I so understand your mom. I would’ve done exactly the same thing.
hahahaha
Seriously, I am so sorry that happened to you. But…
hahahahahahahaha
I just read that to my husband and we were both laughing so hard! Still, you have my deepest sympathies.
I linked over from Momcomm’s mash up post where Mel posted my response too…this was the first blog post I clicked on and you had me desperately trying not to wake up the kids with my laughter, wow! It’s one of those things you see in movies (or I suppose read about in a fictional novel). That could not have felt good at the time but thanks for sharing , we can all use a good laugh!
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OMG that is the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time! I was laughing so hard my husband came out of the bedroom to check on me and told me I was delirious!
I swear that is something that would happen to me!!
I too had 3 kids in 3 years! Love your blog!!!!
~Beth
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Best. Story. Ever. There were tears in my eyes from laughing so hard! I can just picture that happening in my little hometown coffee shop…
Anna, today my 21 yo old daughter had my laptop, found your blog, and left 10 google chrome windows up (all your pages) when I went back to sit down. Of course I started reading. I have to tell you how much I love your honesty, your ability to tell a story, embellish a story (and a photo – Even Steven), and I am hooked! And btw, that meanie commenter just doesn’t get real life! Best wishes to you and your family, and I’ll be back! ~Lori
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I’m new to your blog, and just read this post. I just about peed my pants! That’s something that would happen in my family. You’re awesome! I’m totally hooked now!
I found your blog today through SITS – after having a read around, this post seals the deal – I am your newest subscriber!
NICE!!! Love your bodily function stories…they are so sweet.
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I’ll admit to scrolling through the comments to see if your mother posted a response. Her responses make me laugh *almost* as hard as your posts.
Michelle – I was searching for the same! Anna’s mom – what’s your side of the story?
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Oh my word…this has got to be the funniest story ever told. I’m crying from laughing so much.
I literally laughed out loud so loudly, and snorted so violently that if I’d been drinking anything, it would have come out of my nose (and mouth) as well. I had to immediately cross my legs! I’m so glad I’ve found your blog, Pinterest, and facebook pages! Based on my experience with this post, and on reading previous comments, I’m going to need to have an empty bladder every time I read your posts!
I adore the stories about your mom, and this is the very best thing I’ve read in some time. My three year old is concerned about why I’m crying. “Are you crying? Why are you crying? Oh, are you laughing? Mom, are you laughing or crying?!”
I was late for my own baby shower because I laughed until I puked and then peed my pants as I was puking. I think I’ll go write about that now.
OH my goodness! I stumbled upon your blog from a Pinterest link tonight and have enjoyed reading post after post…
and now I’ve just got the giggles. This story is hilariously funny, and I pledge to come back and read it over and over again.
You have me laughing sooooo much (luckily not enough to make me puke)
I work with a lady called Suzie Q, she could so write a blog like yours full of funny stories. I love it, keep them coming.
Caz – UK
Great, great story!!!
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My son puked in a coffee shop . . . a coffee shop that I don’t particularly enjoy because the owner is not friendly. A coffee shop I was only at a few minutes to meet up with someone to retrieve a sleeping bag my daughter left at camp. We were on our way out, and there it was, puke on the floor, right behind a table of customers!!! Fortunately, the owner was not there at the time. I helped the girl working clean up, apologized to the other customers–who were very sweet despite the fact that one sat there like a statue going, “Please, just don’t let me see it.” He was 2, and was fine right after that – - I think he just got a good sized gulp of Lake Michigan swimming just before we went to the coffee shop and had an upset tummy!!! Love your blog!
Oh your poor Mom. I mean you, poor you!!!
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Oh my gosh, i almost just peed myself at my desk. That was hilarious: seriously, stop it right now… Ah, Moms.
I am new to your blog and that was a great first read!
I REALLY wish I didn’t read this story after just having an appendectomy! My stomach hurts so badly right now from laughing so hard! I wanted so badly to STOP LAUGHING but I couldn’t.
AND the fact that I couldn’t stop laughing, despite the pain, made the whole situation even funnier because I then identified myself with you (gasping for air), Holli (crying) and your mom (telling myself to stop it!)… all at the same time! Vicious circle of painful laughter and comical recognition!
What a funny random story. Love it! (and now paying for it!)
When the doctors told me to take it easy after the operation, they failed to mention that I should stay away from blogs like yours.
That was so funny that I was crying at my desk. It’s made even more funny because I have run several half marathons and am quite familiar with the “dramatically tired” feeling (and feeling like you are so hungry you could eat your own shoe) after a long run.
By the way, I read your “mean comment” and it was clearly posted by someone who does not have children. As the mother of a six year old and six month old twins, I would often like to write a Letter to my Family…
Funniest thing ever! My dog is giving me the hairy eyeball because I laughed so loud!
I’m with your mom. This is a yucky blog, and I now feel a little nauseous.
Beautiful! I believe in my heart that my mother would not yell at me for throwing up. However, she would still be furious at me, mortified, and never go there again.
OMG, this had me laughing until I was crying! What made it so relatable was Holli laughing–this would so be me and my BF Jill. Thank you so much for this, I needed this laugh this morning more than you know!
-your newest follower
I read this because you said your mom did’nt like it so sorry “mom”, but this is the funniest thing I’ve read in forever, and I needed a laugh today. Thanks!!!
This is the best thing I’ve read all year! Hilarious!
This made me laugh oh so hard.
hysterical! I’m crying (and thankfully not puking) because I’m laughing so hard.
My apologies to your mom, but this is hilarious. I’m crying.
I stumbled upon your blog, and I have to say, I laughed so hard I almost peed after reading this story. My dogs even left the room. On the bright side, ab workout. LOL
To make your mom feel better
We went camping a few times every summer when I was a kid and one time…
I was standing in front of my mom so, she could figure out why my neck was itchy and had bumps all over it and the next thing I know, I am face down in the gravel with my mom screaming, “Karyn, get up! Your brother is going to run you over (he was backing the trailer into that spot). What are you doing? Get up now!” I start crying because I am all sorts of confused. She thought I did it on purpose and was just messing around. I was apparently so hot, that I just passed out. I still tease her about that and when she threw my ice cream in the bushes, and when she thought I was pretending my eye hurt to get out of yard work and it turned out that my cornea was scratched and the time…
It’s a good thing I didn’t have an iced coffee in my mouth when I read this Anna, because OH HOLY MOTHER, this is HILARIOUS. Please tell your mom I am available for adoption if she ever wants to trade you in for someone who has never puked or pooped in public. (That I can recall.)
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I just nearly peed myself, and legitimately sobbed with laughter, alone in my office during lunch. The single funniest story I have ever read. Seriously, almost peed. At work. In a dress in an office.