Lessons from Linda: The Walking Farts

Lessons from Linda

Lessons from Linda

Linda is my mom – and as much as I love to share all of the things she did wrong while raising me, she taught me a lot too. I like to call these, “Lessons from Linda.”

Lessons from Linda: The Walking Farts

My mom taught me a lot of things in life, but one thing she never encouraged was holding in my farts.

“It will just give you a stomach ache,” she said. “And if you have to fart in public, just walk and fart, fart and walk, walk and fart.”

She called them the “walking farts.”

Which is why at the age of 31, I still have not mastered the skill of holding in my gas. This used to bother me. I would dread work meetings just after lunch (walking around the conference table during meetings was frowned upon at my office.)

And then I had kids, and everything changed. I can fart all I want – and now I don’t even have to walk.

“Ewww – what’s that smell?” Sorry – Miles has gas.

“Does someone have a poopy diaper?” YES, SOMEONE DOES!

At the doctor’s office, “Sorry doc – little missy has a gassy tummy today.”

Everyone seems much more understanding when it’s a child’s fault.

And on the rare occasion when the kids aren’t with me – I just keep on walking.

32 comments on “Lessons from Linda: The Walking Farts

  1. OMG!!! This reminds me of going on a long road trip with Mr. B and our sons and them passing gas and trying to pass it off on the other one. I always knew who did it. They each have their own distinct fart smell. They don’t understand how I can tell. I guess being hard of hearing raised my sense of smell! In this situation I’m not all excited about that one!!

  2. I love your Mom! Smart lady. I don’t have kids but does this also apply to dogs?

  3. LMAO! I smartened up this time, and put my coffee down before I read your post! My laptop is thanking me!

  4. Major Mom fail! J/K…having the kids sooo helps! You should think about investing in one of those little dogs that people carry around….that way when you don’t have the kids, you have the pooch! LOL

  5. I love this technique. I’m not super good at holding it in but have mastered the silent slip. Blaming it on your kids also works for me when say I have to go to the bathroom in church, I usually drag one of them out with me and blame them for making me leave in the muddle of the sermon, rolling my eyes and shaking my head all the way to the bathroom.

  6. LOL!! Thank-you once again for an awesome story to start my day:) I too have learned many great lessons from Linda over the years:) Since Anna spent so much time at our house over the summers, we got used to her gas:) She tried to blame her farts on our dog growing up, but sorry Anna, we always knew the truth! We also had to make sure Diet Rite was NOT in the house whenever she came to visit. Anna~I won’t spoil the details…I think this should be a post soon! I’d love to hear your story on this one!

    • Oh Erika! You make me laugh….some of the lessons were on our trip to visit Anna in Virginia right? It was your Mom though…Connie teaches a lot of lessons!!

  7. Love this post! I have been there and done that to my kids so many times. Thanks for the laugh!

  8. Oh my gosh you’re killin’ me! Hilarious! Around our house, the little audible farts are blamed on those pesky “barking spiders”. LOL!

  9. Back when my SIL was in college she was sitting on the quietest floor of the library in an almost silent area, doing homework, and she knew she had to fart. She knew it was coming up, and she knew everyone would turn and look at her. She didn’t have time to get out of the room to a restroom. She had the bright idea that, if she couldn’t hear how loud it was, she wouldn’t blush, she wouldn’t act embarrassed when the deed was done. So she plugged her ears, closed her eyes, and let it rip. Then she just settled back into studying as usual, avoiding the eyes of those around her. I think these two methods together (walk-fart-walk plus plug-ears-shut-eyes) can cover every gassy eventuality.

  10. LOL! I love it!! My mom would find an old person in the store and stand near them and do it so people would think it was the little old lady instead of her. LMAO!

  11. Your mom is da bom! Wish I’d have had her when I was growing up…just for this one thing! I could/would NEVER fart in public. NEV>>ER! I would go to the bathroom and sit on the pot. That includes at home if anyone was around! But getting older does something to you. I do the old ‘walk and fart’ when ever I need to! As long as it’s silent. Otherwise you’ll see me dashing off to the pot! And dogs definitely count for blaming! I had a precious dog once that would bet up and walk away from her OWN farts! Yeah, that bad!

  12. HILARIOUS! That is NOT something every mom thinks to pass on to the children. I too have mastered the art of the fart. It has been 26 years since I farted in Target, walking away..leaving my bro and sis to take responsibility. They still don’t know it was me!

  13. Love it! I also “walk” alot! And I’m your newest follower! Come check me out too!
    -Shara @palmettos and pigtails

  14. This is what I love here in this site… I have learned so many lessons from Linda. Please keep it up! Thanks for making my day bright…

  15. OMG!! I just spent like 13 hours reading all your old posts – ok maybe not 13 more like 2!! But still – I was laughing so hard that my husband came to check on me- he left laughing too!! You are so my HERO!!

  16. Hilarious!! This was laugh out loud funny! For some reason, growing up we all thought it was quote funny to poot at any and every occasion and just say oops. There’s 5 girls and all of our hubbies have needed to get accustomed to the fact that we’re all quite open about our pooting and pooping. It’s always a topic of discussion when we get together. Have NO idea why but it cracks us all up!

  17. Visiting from Skip To My Lou. I just had to click on your link because of the title. So glad I did! Thank you so much for the laugh! What a great way to start my Monday. I am dying over here, so glad I waited to put my make-up on today, or I’d be lookin’ like Tammy Faye Baker after wiping my laughter tears.

  18. Having a Greek as a mom, they have their own thoughts on this…When she used to let’er rip, (as I’d die a little inside of mortification) she’d just smack me on the back and say “there’s more room on the outside than on the inside!” Yeaah. Ewwww…

  19. Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! You know all of your readers do the exact same thing because they are all laughing about it. I find some of the funniest stories in life are ones I can relate to!

  20. Another phrase for “walk and fart” is “crop dusting.” Just let ‘er go and keep walking, oblivious.

  21. This works well when standing in line at them parks too… Just wait until the line is about to move,then fart and move one. The person 3 people back will think the person in front of them did it.

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