I’m going to tell you something that might shock you.
Or if you knew me in high school, it won’t actually be surprising at all.
Here it is:
I remained a virgin all through high school.
I now realize that this was all part of a carefully orchestrated plan by my mother.
She did several things to ensure that my virginity remained intact for as long as possible.
#1 – Haircut
I cannot stress enough the importance of the haircut in keeping your V-card.
I found a picture of a woman in an AARP magazine with super short hair. I took it to my hairdresser, and she refused to cut my hair like that.
So my mom helped me find a stylist that WOULD cut my hair so short.
Then my mom and all of her friends told me over and over again how much they loved it. I’m pretty sure she paid her friends big bucks to constantly compliment my hair.
Trust me when I tell you that high school guys are not huge fans of super short hair. This may also be why my mom almost had to pay someone to give me my first kiss.
#2 – Shaving
I’ve mentioned it before, but I see it as part of her plan now. I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until I was very OLD! Like – old enough that even my teachers were asking when on earth my mom was going to let me shave my legs.
Shortly after finally being allowed to shave my legs, my mom convinced me that NO ONE shaves their bikini line and then sent me to a swimming party.
Trust me when I tell you that this is a mental image that stuck with people for years afterwards.
#3 – Crisco
It’s all about the Crisco. While she didn’t actually feed me the Crisco out of the can, she didn’t discourage it either.
I’m pretty sure I had more junk in my trunk than most girls my age.
Trust me when I tell you that high school guys are a little intimidated by muscular girls with short hair that eat Crisco out of the can.
#4 – Being “Sexy”
My mom did a photo shoot with me while we were at the beach one year.
Based on her feedback, I was pretty sure that I was being super-duper hot and sexy in these pictures. What do you think?
Yup – totally nailed it…
#5 – I think the picture says it all…
Tune in tomorrow when I share about the time that I finally lost my virginity.
Oh my gosh – I’m totally kidding. Do you really think I’m going to tell you about when I finally had sex for the first time? You’re crazy – no way am I sharing that!
I am CRYING with laughter. I swear our mothers were related! I once had a haircut that caused my uncle to ask if I got it off a paint can. I found pics recently where honest to God, I am even wearing boy’s clothes. So, needless to say, I related to this post! Majorly!
thedoseofreality recently posted..Top 10 Ways We Will NOT Be Changing In 2013
HA! We totally could have hung out together in high school…
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Oh this is too funny and can tell although my mom didn’t have my hair cut short, pretty sure she prescribed some of the same other tactics as your mom. Got to remember this for my girls are teens, lol
Janine Huldie recently posted..Even The Fish Is Out To Get Me…
Definitely several tactics that I’m hoping to use on Alice when she’s older. I just hope she is totally trusting of me and my opinion as I was with my mom!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
I love, love, love this! Will you please do a follow-up and share the Google searches that bring readers to this post? So funny!
Amy recently posted..Just Add Water: My Week Condensed 1/7/13
hahahahaha – that’s awesome. I’m sure there will be some doozies!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
You mother is an evil genius. I have 3 little girls and I just might tuck these tactics in the back of my brain for future use. Or at least threaten them with your photos.
Thanks for sharing!
The Next Step recently posted..Guest Post from Lisa: Noise
Yes – you can always tell them that THIS is what happens if you do have sex. That should scare them!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
It is. Just. Too. Much. I too kept my V card all through high school. I also had short hair junior and senior year when all my other gurls were gettin down. Hmmmmm. I believe this is what Ofrah calls an a-ha moment. I was also the chubby funny girl sidekick, which didn’t help my sex bomb image either. If would have been your slightly-chunky-for-a-17-year-old wingman you would have totally gotten some. I know all my friends were having mad sex.
The Lint Trap recently posted..Post Nap Scaries
Shoot! Where were you when I looked like a man? I totally could have used a funny/slightly chunky wingman!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Now I think you are giving me way too much credit here. To tell you the truth, I didn’t really have to think about it all that much because most of the boys were afraid of you – after all the armwrestling matches where you beat all of them in elementary school – the boys weren’t exactly swarming. It wasn’t until your Senior year that I got nervous. And the haircut was darling and perfect for tennis . Which at the time was all you cared about…..Thank you for Not sharing when you lost your virginity. Even I have my limits.
Love you
Mom
Yes – well – there was the arm wrestling…
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Ahahaha!! These pictures are too freaking funny! I remained a virgin through high school too, and a good chunk of college, so its good to hear somebody else did too! Although, I didn’t have short hair, I do have what my husband likes to call a “donk”, or a bit of junk in the trunk haha I have a daughter now, and while she’s only 12 months old, I’m freaking out! Our mom’s are both geniuses. Ill have to refer back to this post in a few years probably haha
Amber recently posted..December Cara Box Reveal
Sounds like your mom did a great job too!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Jealous because you were a totally fit teenager!! I wish I looked like that then & now! I didn’t lose my v-card in high school either… and I didn’t know fashion and didn’t like my body (even tho looking back there was nothing wrong with it) so I wore super bagy shirts, baggier than I even wear now! I just cringe when I look back at pictures. No wonder I never had a boyfriend!
So silly, isn’t it? And – yes – I was oddly muscular…
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
That hair is adorable! You look totally cute. I had a mushroom cut but in middle school. I can tell you though that hair down to my butt in high school didn’t exactly have the guys forming lines, either. Your mom is so funny.
Really? I would have thought that hair down to your butt was a surefire way to lose your vcard!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Oh my goodness, those pics are too funny! I think my mother had the same plan, only I had perms and wasn’t told that your bikini area isn’t covered by your swimsuit. Our mothers were evil geniuses. Off to convince Adolpha that potato sacks make perfect dresses!
Jen at PIWTPITT.com recently posted..Weekly Wrap Up 1.5.13
Oh definitely – I’ve heard that potato sacks are ALL the rage! I’ve also heard that overalls and turtlenecks are making a comeback.
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
You make a really adorable boy, Anna!
Actually you look really cute, but when I first scanned the pics I wondered who the boy with the sleeves cut off of his shirt was….LOL!
Toulouse recently posted..Meet Sashay LaBootay
Well – that’s my other big confession – I apparently used to be a man.
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
I am CRYING with laughter. This whole thing is hysterical.
Ditto here, but I was the smart girl who intimidated all the boys insecure teenage boys. Top female GPA in my senior class, etc. However, I was too busy reading and studying to notice. Didn’t change a lot, even in college. DH was the second guy I ever dated!
You were beautiful, and lucky to have such a smart mom.
Ginger Kay recently posted..Making up the rules as we go along
That’s very sweet of you Ginger – and yes – I do have a smart mom.
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
So so funny, and even funnier that you’re sharing these pictures! I do think you’re giving your mom a lot of credit here. While a plan like that is diabolically genius, and I am going to do it with my own daughter, you have to take some of the blame/credit. As a high schooler, I didn’t give a damn if my mom let me shave my legs or not. Boys were important to me, so I molded myself into something that would be important to them, mom’s approval or not. Clearly, by your muscular, very tanned self, you had other hobbies.
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..Why I Don’t Play
I used to be really upset because one of my high school teachers nicknamed me “BEEF”. After seeing these pictures, I can see why I had that nickname. Seriously – it’s like I’m a totally different person these days…
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
And one more thing, did you really find a picture of a haircut in an AARP magazine? Can your mom write a post about how to cultivate a trend-unaware girl?
Allison @ Motherhood, WTF? recently posted..It’s not my fault – my teacher was a baby
Yes – it was an AARP magazine that I got out of my grandma’s bathroom. I’ll check with her on the trend-unaware girl post. She definitely did a great job with that one!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Oh, this is great! I have a very pretty 15 year old daughter who is the only freshman girl on the school cross country team, and everyone loves her, including the junior & senior guys. She is having so much fun that I am going to schedule her haircut as soon as the salon opens at 10 am. Thanks for the heads-up!
How did the haircut go? Is it absolutely adorable to anyone over the age of 30? If so, then mission accomplished.
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Nope. You said you were gonna share the story of losing your virginity & now you have to — no take backs! And, PICS OR IT DIDN’T HAPPEN!!
Venus Genetrix recently posted..Pet Peeve Rant #1: Open and Close Elevator Buttons
pfffttttt – you have my mom terrified!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Hi! Just found your blog today and love this post. Hilarious! I did, in fact lose my v-card in high school but man did I have to work for it. It was totally not worth it and I wish I’d have waited. Thanks for the laugh!
Kristi recently posted..The Intervention
I *love* that you had to work for it! HA!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
So reading through the comments I guess I”m the only hussy who DID in fact lose her Vcard in high school. At age 16 in fact to a…a…jacka…you get the idea. I wish I had waited. No for moral reasons but for reasons that he was a jerk. My next boyfriend on the other hand…I digress. What I really wanted to say was that the more I thought about this the funnier it got because the first day I saw your blog and the photos of you and Matt I thought you were the typical pretty “Buffy” private school cutie marries the distinguished hot guy. Of course that was BEFORE you posted your dogs puke but you get the idea. Then to see your….interesting…bikini pics with your freakishy buff body and crazy ‘do….WOW was I confused or what?
danee recently posted..Coffee, Tea or Me?
Yup – I am awesome at fooling people in the beginning. But the longer they know me – or read my blog – the truth comes out. No private school or super hot anything going on over here!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Anna, you are just too darn cute–whatever the haircut or the swimsuit!
Meredith recently posted..To the Point of Irrelevence
Aren’t you so sweet Meredith? Where were you in high school? We could have made out.
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Wow…I wish so bad we had gone to school together. I have been hiding my middle school photo album which contains 100s of pages of me with this exact same hair cut and my softball uniform, which apparently I wore every day of my teen years. The fact I am happily married with 2 adorable kids has always shocked me when I look at those pictures, but you make me proud to be among the short haired sporty girls!
Ha! Yes – instead of softball, it was tennis for me. I went my entire junior year of high school wearing a different tennis t-shirt every day. I actually got my hair cut like this so that it would be EASIER to keep it pulled back while I played tennis (apparently rubber bands didn’t exist back then.)
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
You look beautiful. Okay, I’m not a high school guy. But did anyone EVER say, “Yeah, I lost my virginity when I was really young and I am SO GLAD I didn’t wait until I was older!” No. No one EVER said that. EVER.
MILF Runner recently posted..An Introduction
Yikes. I actually HAVE said that exact phrase… Not that I want my own daughter to follow my life’s path, but it’s been a damn good life and I wouldn’t change a single step.
tracey recently posted..For No Particular Reason
Mine just gave me genetics that didn’t allow me to grow boobs until I was in college…
I think you looked fantastic!
Synnove @ Don’t Chew On The Dinner Table! recently posted..I have a project! Come and help me out!
Bwahahaha – pretty sure I got those same genetics…
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Anna, I totally love your blog. Your posts make me laugh till my sides ache.
I didn’t lose my virginity, until after high school. I was more the full-figured gal and was quite popular among the boys. I think the determining factor for me was my father. My Dad is a really old-fashioned guy, all of my dates had to pick me up at the house. My Dad also is an aggressive looking man, he wears a mullett and is about 280 lbs. My Dad is a trucker and looks like a biker (which he does occasionally).
Needless to say, all of my dates were a little nervous about what my Dad would do or say. They never went very far. It was also helpful that I had a baby brother at the time I was getting interested in boys. I was terrified of the possibility of winding up pregnant while in high school (I didn’t want the
responsibility).
I was married a week after I graduated from high school, by that following Christmas we found out we were expecting our first baby. It is not like I had to wait very long. My husband has never been weary of my Dad (it helps that he is 6’5″).
But, all in all, you wrote avery funny post.
I’m totally going to have a baby when my daughter is in high school. Great birth control for her – and maybe she could also help out with night feedings? Thanks for the great idea!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Well, that totally explains why I lost my V card the summer before my sophomore year. Yeah, I’m going with the long hair, non-muscular body and no crisco as the cause and not the fact that I’m easy.
Trish recently posted..Twenty thirteen
YES! It was all your mom’s fault – you were not slutty at all!
Anna recently posted..How to Keep Your Daughter a Virgin for as Long as Possible
Holy cow this is hilarious! That’s all I have to say about that!
OMG, I’m dying over here. That is HILARIOUS. You just made Monday night EXTRA special – not only did I get to watch the train-wreck that is The Bachelor, but I also got to plan ways to ensure my little girl never, EVER, loses her vcard.
Dani Ryan recently posted..My mother-in-law thinks I’m nuts
HAHAHAHAHA! Your mother is an absolute genius. I have a daughter and I am taking tips
Josie Bisett recently posted..Procrapstinating!
Wow! I, for one, am shocked. Although I do recall there being a lot of tennis shirts….
jassica recently posted..My Pick Monday
First, I 100% love that bikini. It’s soooo cute! And look at that super toned mid section!
Second, my mother didn’t want me to shave and made me use an electric razor. I think it was from 1950. It did NOTHING. So I snuck a disposable razor into my room and shaved my legs dry. OOooh so much fun.
Third, my parents’ strategy for keeping us virgins was to constantly tell people we were going to be nuns- none of this and none of that- and send us to a Christian school where there were never more than 2 boys in our class at one time. By the time I got to public high school and learned that more than 2 boys could in the classroom at one time, I had no idea how to talk to them, and they somehow got word that my father might kill them, so I had some pretty slim pickings for boys. My father would not have killed them but there was some weird rumor, I found out way after high school.
They must have used this same strategy for my sisters because only one of us is married and it took her until she was like 32, we’re all in our 30s and 2 of us live with boys. Clearly we got the wrong message somewhere!
sparkling74 recently posted..Roll With It
I had the opposite hair in high school-I had huge curly big POOFY hair! It had a mind of it’s own. I could have probably removed it from my head and it would have been a sentient being.
The Sadder But Wiser Girl recently posted..Printer Purgatory
lol! LOVE this!! Sharing
Jenn recently posted..Always something to be thankful for…Reflecting back to November 2012
I was totally a V through high school, but that’s because boys scared the crap out of me….
These pictures are f-ing hilarious
So maybe the hair wasn’t the greatest idea….but you were in killer shape.
hilljean recently posted..Freezer Cooking: What You Need To Know Before You Start
I was a member of the “short hair club” in high school too, as well as the “boys wouldn’t touch me with a 10 foot pole” sorority. Not only did I have short hair, I wore mostly boy’s clothes (they were cheaper than girls clothes), but my parents made me take ROTC. Everyone thought I was a lesbian. Who asked me out to my first prom? A GIRL! Well played, mom & dad, well played.
Absolutely nothing wrong with homosexuality, I have more gay friends than I can count, but I really, REALLY like boys.
Terrye recently posted..Friends With Blogs – Clark Farley
Oh Anna!!! Wow, you were quite the athlete!! Your hair emphasizes your beautiful eyes. And you don’t look like Helen Reddy circa 1976 no matter what anyone says. I loved this so much I shared on my FB page!
Frugalistablog recently posted..Just shut the ef up about how my kid looks, okay?
THIS is my favorite post of yours ever. I mean, EVER. I rarely belly laugh out loud when reading posts. This is comedy, plain and simple. Totally sharing on the page tonight when my night-time crowd comes looking for laughs. HILARIOUS, Anna. “Nailed it!”
Bethany @ Bad Parenting Moments recently posted..Old Timey Parenting in a New Age World.
Ok I laughed my ass off this was awesome. But I also think you looked beautiful! You rocked that hair. I would kill for that body!
This is just…amazing. I think it was fate that you share these pictures with the world. (and by the way, you look like a 1950′s beach movie girl!)
My favorite part is that you drew inspiration from an AARP ad – it doesn’t get any funnier than that!
Mrs. Gore recently posted..A Little Story About a Big Dummy – Part 2
Thank GOD I’m not the only one who has a disturbing bikini line pool party memory – I’m still scarred…
hollow tree ventures recently posted..Toddler Food Groups
OMG, I’m laughing.
Ha, you nailed it.
Can you write a book on this? I have 4, yes 4! daughters and I’d like them to be OLD when they give up their v-cards too! HELP!!!
Tiffany recently posted..I Can Do It
Ha! Reading this was freakily familiar – the short hair cut totally protected my unwanted innocence. My family and friends still howl when I pop into old video footage. My mom still maintains that I looked fabulous. I just found your blog via a pintrest post and am loving it (your four kids post, hysterical, I have three and am totally considering a fourth just so my shoddy housekeeping is justified).
Haley recently posted..Crockpot Chicken
I can relate – my mom told me my haircut was just like Dorothy Hamil’s. It wasn’t.
Hmmm. I’m sure the times were different by the early 90s when I was in my HS prime, but… I almost always had crushes on my cute, short haired, lesbian friends. Your mother’s plan would have failed miserably. I would have gladly deflowered you, given the opportunity.
In the blue plaid shirt — adorable. In the bikini — good butt but. . .
My boyfriend was paranoid cuz my dad was a cop so eighteen was the lucky number for him and I graduated high school very very young, so. . .
Virginia Llorca recently posted..We Fucking Redheads