I was sitting here during naptime today thinking of all the ways that I have already failed as a mother…
Or how when Alice isn’t listening to me, and I want her to come here right now I tell her there’s a monster behind her so that she’ll run, and I don’t have to wait…
I started feeling like a really bad mom.
But then I started thinking about you, and I felt a lot better. I mean – you were (and are) a great mom! But you definitely made your mistakes along the way. In fact, I took the liberty of making a list of a few moments that were less than great…
#1 – Rather than just tell me I couldn’t sing – you told me I had a rare voice gene that didn’t work with microphone “technology”
#2 – Rather than just tell me that I couldn’t dance, and you didn’t like sitting through my dance classes or recitals – you told me I would become paralyzed if I did organized dance
And probably the biggest and most embarrassing thing you ever did…
You didn’t let me shave my legs until I was nearly 15 years old!
Mom – WE’RE GREEK! Even my teachers started asking me when I was going to get to shave my legs.
And when you sent me to that pool party and told me that NO ONE was shaving their bikini lines – well – YOU WERE WRONG!
Whew – glad I got that off my chest. Anyways – thanks for making me feel so much better about how I’m doing as a mom.
On a side note: I would like to thank everyone that coordinated the parade in my honor to celebrate the day that I was allowed to shave my legs. Your support made me feel so special – despite the fact that my legs were covered in bandaids.
You know how some people are really, really pretty – but they don’t know it? I had always assumed that’s how it was with me and overall sexiness.
I figured I was probably crazy sexy, I just didn’t realize it – and no one had ever bothered to tell me because they figured that I knew.
That is, until one night in college when I knew – without a doubt – that I was NOT sexy, and probably never would be.
The realization came after reading an article in Glamour magazine about how to be sexy. It seemed easy enough, and I decided to test out one of their tips that very night.
Even Steven and I were at a bar with some friends, when I excused myself to use the restroom.
Taking the magazine’s advice, I took off my underwear (oh yes – I did). And then I walked back to Even Steven, and I slipped them into his hand.
Now – what this fab article could have pointed out was that you should be wearing sexy underwear when you do this. Something black, lacy – a thong maybe?
Unfortunately, I was wearing my absolute favorite most comfortable pair of granny panties – in beige. They were amazing. I loved them. And I wore them as often as I possibly could.
My attempt to slip my underwear in his hand didn’t go as I had planned. My briefs were so large, that they could not be confined to a single hand – it took two.
“What am I supposed to do with these?” he asked.
“I wore them here,” I said in my huskiest voice. “I just slipped them off in the bathroom.”
“Well – what am I supposed to do with them now? They’re HUGE!”
“Put them in your pocket,” I suggested.
But they didn’t fit in his pocket. And while the magazine hadn’t spelled out exact steps for this situation, I was pretty sure that going back into the bathroom to put them back on wasn’t “sexy.”
So I swished over to the trash can and threw them away while puckering my lips at Even Steven and trying to look mysterious.
Then I grabbed some straws from the bar and showed all his friends how to make farting noises.
I don’t know about you, but I had a pretty exciting week.
On Monday, my new couch from Ikea was delivered (after Even Steven refused to remove one last minivan seat to drive it home ourselves.) I spent the rest of the day trying to explain to the kids that this is the first piece of furniture we’ve bought new in 10 years, and that they could not eat, stand, jump or climb on it. (Yeah, right.)
Oh – and I dropped my cell phone in the toilet.
On Tuesday, the 2-year-old pooped four times, Big Hairy Dog got in the trash, and I stared at the wall in the family room for about 10 minutes. Don’t ask me why – it just felt right.
On Wednesday, my mother-in-law’s dog pooped in the minivan, we found out the toddler is deathly allergic to tree nuts (after just finding out a few months ago that he no longer has a peanut allergy), and I thought it was Tuesday until 10 pm when Even Steven told me otherwise. It was fairly pathetic how happy I was to realize it had really been a Wednesday all along.
On Thursday, I spent 30 minutes on the phone with my cell phone provider to see if I qualified for a new phone. (See Monday) Then I spent two hours at the phone store trying to understand why I was going to have to pay $700 for a phone one step above a flip phone. Then I spent another 45 minutes on the phone with the web team for my cell phone provider who assured me that the store people were wrong and they could get me a much better deal – but I had to go to the store. And then spent another hour at the store hearing the store people tell me that the web people were wrong. And then listening to them call the web people to tell them how wrong they were. (All this while two of my kids ran around the store and spun in the swivel chairs.)
PS – I still don’t have a cell phone. So don’t even bother trying to call me.
Seeing as how I’ve had a pretty amazing week, we can only imagine what today will bring. Maybe I’ll find a hemorrhoid or, if I’m really lucky, I’ll find the stinky dog turd that I know must be still rolling around in the minivan based on the smell. (See Wednesday)
We’ll just have to wait and find out, won’t we?
What’s New On the Blog
Now that we’re posting in so many sections on the blog, it’s possible that we’re posting things, and you wouldn’t even notice. Until I roll out a new design (that makes it much easier to navigate everything), I figured I should give you a head’s up on what’s been posted. Here are the new posts that went live this week:
My Life & Laughs
Did you know there was a My Life & Laughs section? Basically it’s just where every slightly humorous post I write gets posted. Most of these are on the main page too, so you probably haven’t missed them. But just in case, you can click here to see them all.
New This Week
I shared why you shouldn’t be afraid of family pictures. And we all got to see how photogenic Even Steven really is.
Then I shared my mom’s response when she walked into my room when I was little and found naked Ken on top of naked Barbie. (Hint – she didn’t react the way you’d think.)
And finally I shared the sticker chart I’ve decided to make for Even Steven – and how I’ve earned SEVERAL stickers this week. Several. Oh – and then I promised my mom that I’d stop posting while I have PMS.
My Life & Parenting
Britt is rocking it as editor of the MLAP (Mom – that stands for My Life & Parenting) section! Here’s what went live this week: