Category Archives: My Mom
When I was growing up, we had a Cocker Spaniel dog named Ramona Quimby. (Yes, I got to name her. Yes, I was in 2nd grade and reading the Ramona Quimby books at the time.)
Ramona was an amazing dog. She loved to snuggle and eat. And eat. And eat some more.
At one point, she was 20 pounds OVER weight.
My mom did everything she could to get Ramona’s weight down. She was on the green bean diet. The slim fast diet. The starvation diet.
But nothing seemed to work. So we ultimately put her on thyroid medication.
Yes – we blamed our dog’s weight problem on a thyroid disorder. The meds didn’t seem to do anything to help her weight, but it definitely helped her self esteem to know that she wasn’t fat – she was just big boned and had a thyroid disorder. The odds were stacked against her.
One night, after everyone had gone to bed, my mom went to give Ramona her thyroid medication – and accidentally took it herself.
I’m not kidding.
Later – in retelling the story to me – she said,
“I don’t know what happened. One minute, I was putting the pill in a piece of bread and spreading it with peanut butter. I looked down at Ramona. She was wagging her tail and waiting for her treat. And then – it was like in slow motion – I put it in my mouth, and I ate it.”
In a panic, my mom called Poison Control.
She didn’t want to wake anyone up – and she really didn’t want anyone to know what had happened – so she whispered into the phone and explained that she had, in fact, taken her dog’s thyroid medication.
The Poison Control operator acted like she got this kind of call every single day. She told my mom to calm down, drink a glass of water and go to bed.
My mom very quietly got ready for bed and slipped beneath the covers.
Just as she closed her eyes, my dad turned over, put his mouth close to her ear…
and started barking.
That was more than 20 years ago – but to this day – when my mom does something that isn’t so smart, my dad barks.
And my mom laughs.
I’m going to tell you something that might shock you.
Or if you knew me in high school, it won’t actually be surprising at all.
Here it is:
I remained a virgin all through high school.
I now realize that this was all part of a carefully orchestrated plan by my mother.
She did several things to ensure that my virginity remained intact for as long as possible.
#1 – Haircut
I cannot stress enough the importance of the haircut in keeping your V-card.
I found a picture of a woman in an AARP magazine with super short hair. I took it to my hairdresser, and she refused to cut my hair like that.
So my mom helped me find a stylist that WOULD cut my hair so short.
Then my mom and all of her friends told me over and over again how much they loved it. I’m pretty sure she paid her friends big bucks to constantly compliment my hair.
Trust me when I tell you that high school guys are not huge fans of super short hair. This may also be why my mom almost had to pay someone to give me my first kiss.
#2 – Shaving
I’ve mentioned it before, but I see it as part of her plan now. I wasn’t allowed to shave my legs until I was very OLD! Like – old enough that even my teachers were asking when on earth my mom was going to let me shave my legs.
Shortly after finally being allowed to shave my legs, my mom convinced me that NO ONE shaves their bikini line and then sent me to a swimming party.
Trust me when I tell you that this is a mental image that stuck with people for years afterwards.
#3 – Crisco
It’s all about the Crisco. While she didn’t actually feed me the Crisco out of the can, she didn’t discourage it either.
I’m pretty sure I had more junk in my trunk than most girls my age.
Trust me when I tell you that high school guys are a little intimidated by muscular girls with short hair that eat Crisco out of the can.
#4 – Being “Sexy”
My mom did a photo shoot with me while we were at the beach one year.
Based on her feedback, I was pretty sure that I was being super-duper hot and sexy in these pictures. What do you think?
Yup – totally nailed it…
#5 – I think the picture says it all…
Tune in tomorrow when I share about the time that I finally lost my virginity.
Oh my gosh – I’m totally kidding. Do you really think I’m going to tell you about when I finally had sex for the first time? You’re crazy – no way am I sharing that!
My mom is on her way to my house as I type – and I am so excited!
If you read this post, then you know that she loves to visit, but I drive her a little nuts.
But this trip, I am ready for her!
I have Ruffles potato chips and french onion dip in the pantry. I bought her a brand new, QUEEN size bed for the guest room!
And I got a good start on her poop tracker this morning (looks like Simon is saving his dirty diaper for Yia Yia to change.)
I also went ahead and wrote down a few items for her grocery list and her general to do list (she loves to scrub toilets!)
Can’t wait to see you, Mom!