I’ve been lucky with babysitters over the past 5 years, but I’ve heard my fair share of horror stories.

I reached out to a few blogging friends of mine – and my followers on Facebook to put together this post – and I have to tell you, I’ve been cracking up for the past week reading through this!

You all shared everything from the very mild (sorry, I’m busy) to the absolutely outrageous…

37 Things You Never Want to Hear From Your Babysitter

Sorry, I am totally booked for the next 3 months… - Cloudy, With a Chance of Wine

I hope you don’t mind… I gave her another bath after you left. She was covered in pizza sauce and glitter. – Pamela

When you said I could help myself to whatever I wanted, you meant the tequila, right? - The Dose of Reality

Hope it goes better this time around. Last time I babysat someone’s kids, one broke a leg. – Josée

Do you have an extra diaphragm? I forgot mine and my boyfriend is coming over. - RachRiot

You might want to leave your shoes on. I’ll be needing hazard pay. – Patricia

Hey, kids! Let’s decorate my ankle monitor with stickers! - HouseTalkN

Where’s the booze? I never do this sober. – Sarah

You’re cool with me smoking pot here, right? It’s legal in this state now. - Funny is Family

The first thing you need to know is no one was seriously hurt… – Judy

Sorry I was late. I had a syphilis flare this morning. – Toulouse & Tonic

The police just left but I had it under control and nobody got arrested…. – Caitlin

I’m not sure where this rash came from, but it shouldn’t be transmissible skin to skin. - Confessions of a CornFed Girl

I worked in a daycare for four years and the worst thing I ever had to tell a parent was that their kid was bit 6 times that day… imagine your babysitter telling you that… – Robin

Some creepy guy has been following me for days. Look! There’s his van! - Funny is Family

Umm, does that pink stuffed bunny on your mantle, like, have a camera-thingy in it? – Nicole

Do you live by a school? I’m not allowed within 500 feet of schools. – Frugalista

Umm how many kids did I start with? – Marga

Your husband is hot. - HouseTalkN

Thanks for having me. I finally got them to sleep after a bottle of Tylenol and duct taping them to their bed. Um, some of lil’ Johnny’s skin came off with the tape but I put a bandaid on it. It will be $25.20 extra for the Tylenol, duct tape, and bandaid! – Melanie

Just so you know, all the charges from that last incident were dropped. My parole officer says I’m golden. - RachRiot

I just had my wisdom teeth pulled, and they gave me some wicked painkillers! – Katrina

I totally know your husband. He comes in for Legs and Eggs at the Foxy Lady all the time when I’m working. – Momaical

I hope you don’t have any wire hangers in the house. – Nicole Okay – got it – Mommie Dearest…

I hope the kids are better today. Last time I was here they kept screaming. I could still hear them even after I locked them in the closet. - Confessions of a CornFed Girl

In response to how dressed up they look today: “Oh, I have a job interview later.” – Alison

I think your mom likes it more when you pour the glitter outdoors. - Random Handprints

Melanie: I babysat two very aggressive kids, but I was pretty good with them. I was unavailable and recommended my best friend, she was not used to such behavior, and they locked her out on the balcony holding the chainsaw.

Can my boyfriend come over? His parole officer said it was fine. - Rants from Mommyland

They won’t catch it if they don’t touch me. – Jodi

Sorry I didn’t wake up when you came in the door…or when you shook me…or yelled my name. I can sleep through anything. - Katy in a Corner – I’ll go ahead and admit that I was the babysitter in that scenario. True story.

Hope it’s ok my boyfriend/girlfriend came over – we waited until after the kids were asleep. – JJ

When I was looking for condoms in your nightstand I noticed we have the same vibrator! - Funny is Family

Can you take me to the clinic, I think I’m pregnant. – Charity

I hope your husband doesn’t have a thing for 18-year-old blondes like that last one did. – The Momalog

I like to chase my benadryl with a Budweiser. Hopefully the kids will nap at the same time as me. - Ellen at Sisterhood of the Sensible Moms

Ummm…I don’t do diapers. – You Know It Happens At Your House Too

What would you add to this list?

A couple of times a year, I drive the kids by myself to visit my parents.

It’s a 5-hour drive.

Did I mention that I go by myself?

It has gotten so much easier now that I don’t have to stop to breastfeed a baby. And, I’ll be honest, once we got the minivan with the built-in DVD player, it has pretty much been a piece of cake.

But this week, mid-way through our drive north, my DVD player stopped. My radio didn’t work. I had absolutely no way to entertain the kids.

Back in the pre-DVD player days, I used to pack bags full of toys for the car. I would pass out stickers and sing songs and get creative. But for the past two years, I haven’t packed a single car toy – just a giant stack of movies and snacks.

So when our DVD player stopped working, with more than 2 hours still left to drive, I was afraid that it was going to be the longest two hours of my life.

At one point, I found myself saying,

So help me God, don’t make me pull this car over!

And then I cried for the next 45 minutes because I have officially become my mother, as this statement used to come out of her mouth on a weekly basis when I was growing up.

And then I spent the rest of the trip trying to make the kids laugh and wishing for the good old days – you know – when there weren’t so many rules.

When I was a kid, it was common for my mom and great-grandmother (Nanny) to take my brother and I on roadtrip vacations to Florida and North Carolina when my dad had to work during the summers.

They had a “Road Trip Recipe” for kids that never ever failed.

Nanny used to pump my brother and I full of NyQuil so that we would sleep in the car.

I’m not talking about a sip here and there. I mean, she would set her watch, and when we were getting close to four hours, she would say,

“I think it’s time for the recipe!”

My mom would stop the car. They’d get the “recipe” out of the trunk, and then they would WAKE US UP to give us more.

God forbid they wait until it wore off enough for us to wake up on our own.

Seriously.

For the longest time I thought that Florida was just around the corner because I would fall asleep in the driveway and wake up in Florida (20 hours later).

What parenting “techniques” do you miss from the old days?