Cleaning Up After Big Hairy Dog

Several years ago, before we had kids, Even Steven and I lived in a charming old home in the city. It was full of character – and had bright white carpet all throughout the upstairs.

Back then, our biggest responsibility in life was Big Hairy Dog.

Big Hairy Dog

He was just a young guy, and he was known to have raging diarrhea in the house about four times a year.

It was gross.

Even Steven and I had one rule. If you were the first one home from work, you had to clean up any messes that Big Hairy Dog made. Simple enough…

One night in 2006, I got home first. The moment I opened the front door, I could smell it.

I knew that there was poop somewhere – and I followed my nose upstairs.

Right in the middle of the upstairs hallway – splat in the middle of our wall-to-wall white carpeting – was the stinkiest, runniest, darkest brown flood of doggie diarrhea I have ever seen.

Even now – three kids later – I have to say that this is one of the more disgusting poop messes I’ve witnessed.

I did the only thing I knew to do… I left the house.

I gave Big Hairy Dog a treat, erased any proof of my presence, locked the door, and drove to Target.

I called Even Steven to tell him I would be working a bit late, and he said that he was on his way home.

So I hung up the phone and walked around Target for 45 minutes.

When I came home, there was not even a hint of dog poop in the air, and Even Steven was in the backyard throwing the frisbee with Big Hairy Dog.

I tried to play it cool… “How was your day?”

Even Steven: Great. They gave us these awesome exacto knives at work with the company logo on them. They even have a light on them in case you need to cut something in the dark.

Me: Wow. That’s random. Anything else happen today?

Even Steven: Big Hairy Dog took a dump upstairs, but I cleaned it up.

Me: Really? That’s too bad. Thanks for taking care of it. Was it hard to clean up?

Even Steven: Not hard at all. It came right out.

I was very impressed – and began to wonder if I had over-estimated the damage.

I went upstairs to change my clothes, and I realized why the clean up seemed so easy for Even Steven.

There – in the middle of my hallway, where the diarrhea had been – was a giant hole in the carpet.

Turns out Even Steven’s new exacto knife worked like a charm.

He used it to cut a perfect square out of the carpet. Right in the middle of the hallway.

Did I mention it was the middle of the hallway?

We eventually got new carpet.

And I never left poop for Even Steven to clean up again.

What are your tips for cleaning up dog poop?

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About Anna Luther

Hi, my name is Anna, and I'm here to share my stories, make you laugh and help you feel better about your crazy, messy, fabulous life.

30 thoughts on “Cleaning Up After Big Hairy Dog

  1. anna are you kidding?! this is hilarious. i mean, HILARIOUS. i feel like will be retelling this story and it's not even my story to tell.

  2. Oh my word! Such a funny story! And….such…..graphic details! Glad I was not eating anything as I read about the doggie poo :/ Ha!

  3. Even Steven is brilliant! Well not if you want a nice house, but if you want one that doesn’t carry the aroma of dog poo…

    My parents have an Airedale – every time she gets a drink of water she starts looking for the nearest available crotch to dry her face on. If her face is really wet, she goes for the backside too.

  4. Seriously? Is this true? Cuz it’s hilarious, and something my husband would totally do! He tends to throw away towels and underwear that get poop on them rather than washing them out, and he once threw away one of my bathroom rugs that one of the boys puked on just so he wouldn’t have to clean it.

  5. One night, we came home to HUGE mess created by our puppy, who we had been crate training. She had peed and pooed in the crate, then used her body to move the crate to the end of our bed. She then somehow managed to get our Ralph Lauren down comforter inside of the crate and destroyed it. So, what we walked in on was a dog that had tarred and feather herself in her own poop and a $300 down comforter.

  6. See, what would have happened in my life, is that I totally would have ran, but then so would have my husband. And we would have had a poop-standoff that would have resulted in both of us not coming home that day. Or maybe even ever.

  7. Oh. My. Gosh. Dying! Love this story and how he was SO nonchalant about the fact that he’d just cut a huge chunk of carpet out of your hallway! Hilarious! I would probably rather do that too…! πŸ™‚

  8. That is hysterical (mostly because it didn’t happen to me! πŸ™‚ I have four tips for cleaning puppy poop (straight from a professional dog trainer, what what!)

    1. Make sure you have an enzymatic cleaner. it will breakdown the ammonia in urine and poo that dogs use a a signal for “oh, I’ve gone there before, I can go there again!”

    2. Large-chain pet stores rent out bissells for deep cleaning carpets. They’re kind of amazing for the crazier sick messes.

    3. If it’s common for your dog to get sick like that, you might start a conversation about what kind of food you’re feeding, what’s in it (and how many things are in it), and what kind of quality the processing for those ingredients is. Fun fact: if an ingredient has any kind of nutritional value, a dog food does not have to list it as “filler.” Sawdust technically counts as fiber, and there are in fact, foods that list it as fiber content. Gross, huh? There is no one great food for every dog, but there are foods that are universally pretty horrid for your dog, and can have… explosive results.

    4. The final tip, and this is a big one: put a dab of Vix Vaporub under your nose while you clean so you don’t gag and add vomit to the pile you’re scrubbing away at (I do this. No lie.)

  9. I tried dog diapers on ours. You DON’T want to do that. So I gave him to my daughter. She has plastic floors. But apparently it was a personal vendetta issue as he doesn’t do it over there.

    Everytime I look at a picture of a cute little puppy, I want to give myself a good slap.

  10. I would have thrown the entire carpet out. I would also like to challenge that dog to a poop contest against my son. I don’t think anyone can get worse than him.

  11. Oh that is so bad and so funny! My theory is that the Hubs knew exactly what he was doing. he knew you’d never let him do the clean up again. Yep, that’s my guess.

  12. Wow. I would have done exactly the same and left the house. Unfortunately, my Hubby would have cleaned it up then held it over my head for months, maybe years.

  13. I’m dying. This is perfect. You guys are perfect–you for hitting Target and him for whipping out that knife. I’m waiting for the sitcom featuring you and Even Steven.

  14. Oh. My. Goodness. I should send you the picture of OUR hallway that is currently missing a rectangle against the wall where my husband “fixed” the area where the cat had pooped on the floor. Such an inventive way to remedy the situation…if only they could find a way to do it with power tools!

  15. How long before you told him the truth? That is the funniest story. I thought I was bad for pretending not to smell the occasional diarrhea diaper when the kids were little.

  16. Ohhhhhhhhh my god. I just had to double check that you and I weren’t married to the same man… because that’s exactly what my husband would do. Another example why men aren’t/shouldn’t be left alone to care for another living being for long periods of time.

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