If we’re going to be friends, then there’s something you probably should know about me.
I have a high butt crack.
Hello, my name is Anna, and my butt crack starts at my bra.
When I was growing up and worried about having my crack hanging out of my pants, my mom attempted to make me feel better. “It’s hereditary, Anna. Your grandfather has a high butt crack too. It just runs in the family.”
That didn’t help much… but I gave her credit for trying. Then I found out that my grandfather was actually my mom’s step dad and therefore was not a blood relative of mine. Which made it impossible for my butt crack to be inherited from him. Just another one of my mother’s lies.
During my senior year in college, just a few months before I married Even Steven, I went to Hawaii to visit my brother and sister-in-law for spring break. And I had an epiphany.
If everyone is going to be seeing my butt crack for the rest of my life – why not make it really, really pretty?
So I got a tattoo.
My plan was this:
A very small palm tree growing out of the folds of my crack. It would be cute and adorable and a conversation starter. It would remind me of my time in Hawaii.
And – even better – the tattoo artist assured me that by the time I hit the age of 40, my palm tree would be sagging and would totally disappear within the folds of my crack. PERFECT!
I bravely went to the tattoo parlor with my sister-in-law Holli and our friend Amy. I was brave and bold.
Then the tattoo artist started by shaving my back.
It hurt.
He said I had the hairiest lower back he’d ever seen. I told him I was Greek.
Then he actually started tattooing. I was in shock. I’d never felt pain like that before. Ever.
He had to pause while I threw up.
He had to take another break while I passed out.
He had to hear my shock when the tattoo ended up being much larger than I thought it was going to be.
Luckily, I survived. But barely.
Ten years later, this is what I have to say about my tattoo experience:
- It hurt more than (medicated) childbirth. A lot more.
- It hurt more than running a marathon (but barely.)
- It hasn’t sagged a single bit. It’s probably the one part of my body that hasn’t started sagging.
- It actually draws even more attention to my high butt crack. As my friend Brooke once said, “Whenever I saw your butt crack before, I would just look away. But now I stare at your palm tree all the time.”
- It’s a great place to have a tattoo – as I never see it – and I usually forget I even have it. (Until someone reminds me.)
- It’s still fun to say things like, “I’m going to go shake a few coconuts off my palm tree” as I’m heading into the bathroom.
Don’t forget to come back to party with me on Wednesday and link up your funny posts!
Hilarious! I didn’t even know someone could have a high butt crack? I have saggy knees. Maybe I too am not alone? ; ) Love, Me
I’ve never even imagined discussing something like my butt crack with my mum…good job we all have your mum for experiences like these, thanks Anna’s mum! x
p.s. are you just trying to post funnier and funnier posts to see which one of us admits to wetting ourselves reading first?!
p.p.s. I’m not admitting anything…..:)
Samantha recently posted..Pizza Swirls {recipe}
Lmao!!! Omg, Samantha, have you not realized that when my dear friend Anna (FYI we are internet besties!) posts a new story, that you need to put on a panty liner before you read it???? Geez! Lol! Seriously, I do agree with you Samantha! I think her hidden agenda is to make us pee our pants! I mean, really, when I’m sitting here reading her posts, and I giggle and snort, and even cross my legs, my hubby now says “are you reading your new besties blog?”
Good job I’m here in the UK, I’m not sure I could handle such jiggery pokery in real life!!
Samantha recently posted..Pizza Swirls {recipe}
hahahaha – You can’t make this stuff up. I told my daughter not to get a tattoo – same place as yours. I hear there’s another name for it, too. It rhymes with Go Lamp. And, Samantha made me laugh, too. You might want to interview her.
Patricia recently posted..Postal Service?
Anna!!!!!!!!!!!!! How did I not notice this about you? All of the times you were out trimming your hydrangea bush in your bikini when we lived across the street from you?!!??!!
Beth @ QueenBee recently posted..You can’t stop the inevitable
Beth – you didn’t see it because it was ME in my bikini trimming Anna’s shrubs while visiting……Anna’s Mom
“I’m going to go shake a few coconuts off my palm tree”
El. Oh. El! Much better than “I’m going to drop some kids off at the pool.”
I’ve never read a funnier post on Butt Cracks. EVER! Hilarious! I have a Tattoo on my Arm and I love mine. Although I had a few beers while I was getting it done. It really hurt!
FUNNY post – loved it!!! xo
It never fails – I always read your posts while I’m at work and then I have to sit here & try to stifle my giggles because nothing about working is supposed to be funny enough to snort.
I’m not sure what’s worse though…a high buttcrack or one of those strange double butt cracks where you think it ends but then a new crack starts. (Hey, it’s real…my kid has one).
Either way, thanks for the laughs.
I have had medicated and unmedicated births and they aren’t comparable. With #1, I was in the OR with legs flayed so far open my I just hooked my knees over my ears so they could put the stirrups away. I had an epidural, oxygen, IV, antibiotics, forceps, shakes, and vomiting. With #2 I had NOTHING and I yelled “just get it out of me” as I pushed without all my might. I didn’t allow the baby the chance to restitute- the time when the shoulders and the head get in line again. THis is when one checks for cord wrapped around neck etc, oh no, I just pushed and pushed and pushed. Get. It. Out….. Keep in mind that I am a nurse midwife.
I am thrilled to see someone admit how much a tattoo hurts. I see the INK shows and everyone acts all happy. How can needles and ink not hurt?
As for your high butt crack? Hmmm, never heard of such an affliction but your friend commenting on staring at the coconut tree almost had me spitting my water out. I don’t see how it could do anything but bring attention to it. Now, if you had a the Grand Canyon or a deep river gulch tattooed that might have hid it.
Oh my word!! I stayed home sick today and this has me laughing up a storm. Laughter truly is good medicine. Cleared my sinuses right up!!!
Lisa~The SweetTalk Shop recently posted..Help Me Grow…Or Really This Here Blog!
Oh my dear Lord this is hysterical! I’m seriously laughing out loud right now… *wipes tears from eyes* Ok, moving on. I, too, have been tattooed…3 times actually. The first one was at age 19 and I was hooked. And I swear, if I didn’t work in the corporate world, or still fear the wrath of my almost 65-year old mother (she’s small but she’s mighty!) I’d probably be covered
Thanks for sharing – this is awesome!
I also have a small tatoo on my lower back of a yellow rose. I forget that I have it because I never see it. That all changed once my children could walk. Now that I never have the ability to use the bathroom in private, my tatoo is the topic of conversation every time that I use the restroom!
Aubrey recently posted..Kids Art Displays
I think this is hilarious! Thanks for giving me a laugh tonight.
Bethany recently posted..{PaperClip & String Valentine Earrings}
Im new to ur blog and love it! I thought I wAs the only one in the world with a high butt crack my hubby always makes fun of it and now my poor daughter inherited it. Loved the tattoo idea I think I may have to do that
Ha, we got some used toys from a neighbor and the Mrs. potato head had a similar tattoo drawn on it. Yup, my kids are the only ones on the block whose Mrs. Potato head has a “tramp stamp”. I just tell the kids is a reminder from her wild college days:)
mg, where is your butt crack, your pants are so low, we should totally be seeing your crack.
Also, I have a very low butt crack. Seriously, I was once bending over and my butt was hanging out of my jeans….and my sister screams
Abby recently posted..Faux-caccia Bread
This is classic! ” As my friend Brooke once said, “Whenever I saw your butt crack before, I would just look away. But now I stare at your palm tree all the time.”
Ha hahahaha!
I find myself wanting to read through all of your post in one sitting. I’ve instead decided to limit myself to one or 2 a day so I have something to look forward to reading every day:)
Design Fluff recently posted..Don’t Paint Your Upholstery
Don’t worry about the lower back hair thing. My sister and nieces aren’t Greek and they are the hairiest people I’ve ever seen on their lower backs! I suspect they are part werewolf.
Design Fluff recently posted..Don’t Paint Your Upholstery
I think your post on butt cracks is healthy. It’s brought about awareness in my family. I’m now checking everyone’s butt cracks. Just as I suspected, I have a high butt crack. I always wondered why when I tell my husband to rub my lower back he says he’s actually rubbing my butt!
Design Fluff recently posted..Don’t Paint Your Upholstery
I am pretty much totally cracking up right now!!! We are always giving my daughters grief for their high butt cracks hanging out ~ Tooooo funny!!!
That last line was the best part of the entire post! Hysterical. My first thought was “wow that must really draw attention to her butt”. I’ve never considered that maybe some people’s butt cracks are higher. Interesting.
sparkling74 recently posted..So Long, Farewell
Ouch! At least the palm tree is unusual–not a heart or ex-boyfriend’s name. Sounds like a wonderful experience–years later!
Vinobaby (aka Kerry Ann) recently posted..Nike Ads & New Atitude
Anna, in real life, I think we would make great friends. You are hilarious!
LOL! Oh my goodness that was so funny I nearly had coffee squirting out my nose!
A high butt crack? I must admit I have never met anyone with one.
It is still a nice palm tree!
Am your latest follower! Your blog is fab!
Yasmin @ alittlelessfluff recently posted..Potty Training SOS!!
hahahahaha oh man… I always talk about my high buttcrack. I’m glad to see there are others out there. We should start a club.
Oh my gosh….that is funny!
Signed,
Never Gonna Do It!
I reread the post today and CRACKED up again! Congrats, your post was my #1 most clicked post on Mommy Solutions last week. So you are being featured on my page. http://www.crystalandcomp.com/2012/02/the-mommy-club-share-your-resources-and-solutions-29/
Have a great week and feel free to stop in and CRACK me up again this week!
Crystal
Crystal recently posted..Spread The Love $200 Cash, Amex or Amazon Giveaway!
Omg, I’m laughing. I always joke about my daughter’s high butt crack and how she will never be able to wear a bikini. Even high waisted pants are low rise on her. But(t), I can now save this post to show her if she ever considers a tattoo in the future. Too funny!
ali recently posted..The Confessional
Wow, your writing is so great, so funny, and down to earth! (you are my blogging idol, and I want to be you when I grown up). And reading the comments after has me still giggling
Alyssa
Alyssa recently posted..C.R.A.P.! Confessions of a DIY Blogger
Twas very kind of him to pause while you threw up. Sounds like a real pro
Great story, Anna. I never realized back shaving was a requirement for tattooing.
Jay- The Dude of the House recently posted..Whole Wheat, Sweet!
Hilarious!!
And don’t worry, I almost passed out when I got my belly button pierced and that hurts WAY less than a tattoo.
Becky recently posted..Onesie Makeover & Ikea
I got a lower back tat as well. I picked that area since I knew 1) could be hid if i wanted it to or shown off when i wanted, 2) a lot less chance of stretching when PG or sagging when old. it took 90 min because he had to stop several times for me too. I didn’t pass out or throw up but almost. Had to be fed m & ms to keep my blood sugar up and I was going pale. I survived. it was more painful than the days after my c-section to deliver our twins.
really like the line of shaking coconuts off the tree…
thanks for sharing
Oh my gosh, this is so funny!!
I’ve added you to my bloggie read list!!
Loved reading this
Jenn recently posted..The Friend Request… People can change…mostly, Right?
Hilarious!!!
NOOOO!!!! (mister bill sound)
Now when I finally get to meet you at some random blogging event, the very first thing I’m going to do is think about your coconuts. Too freaking funny.
susan recently posted..My Kids Make Me Laugh – About Fish????
I also have a high butt crack and my husband points it out all the time..
Ohmigosh Holli looks so young! Not that she looks old now. But, y’know.
You would die if you saw my back tattoo! I actually have six tattoos and my back tattoo is the largest. I thought it was going to be more like a tramp stamp – it ended up being half my back. Three hours of tattoo work, and the most painful of all of them! Love your story. So funny.
Mod Podge Amy recently posted..How to make colorful barrettes.
Haha, we are sisters in crack! I have a high butt crack too (probably fits better with my giant butt). I just thought everyone around me had abnormally low butt cracks.
Christine recently posted..Fluffiest Gluten Free Vegan Pancakes
This is absolutely hysterical! I thought I was the ONLY person in the world with this problem. In college, all my friends talked about my ELB (extremely long buttcrack). My husband and friends constantly have to tell me to pull up my pants to cover my plumber’s crack. I’ve stopped apologizing for it. Somehow, I just feel better knowing I’m not alone. But no tattoos for me – I’m too big of a pansy.
Kathy recently posted..Day 5: High Five for Friday!
Like I just posted below, my husband has the same problem and his butt crack is permanently showing. We also have an acronym for him – VHB (very high buttcrack). Good to know we’re not the only ones with buttcrack acronyms!
OMG!!!! i just read this and am also aflicted with the high butt crack! i thought my family were the only ones!! by family i really only mean me, my brother, and my poor, beautiful niece! but i never thought of decorating it since EVERYone is going to see it anyways!
i just found your blog thanks to pinterest and i love it! thanks for making my looong work days bearable with your stories! keep up the good work!
My husband is affllicted with this problem as well. His butt crack seems to go 4 inches up his back and is permanenlty showing – I mean, literally, all the time. I tried to help him by buying high-waisted pants, etc. early on and then I realized that his butt was just always going to be visible. Me and the rest of his family and friends joke about how it is his trademark and at this point it’s almost endearing. Thankfully, he would never get a butterfly tattoo there (probably wouldn’t work as well for a guy).
That was super funny! And you have validated my decision not to get inked. I can take pain, but I don’t chase it, if you know what I mean.
Keesha recently posted..A Lesson from Ann Coulter
so much to comment on here, i’m not sure where to start. so i think i’ll just keep it classy with “cute tattoo!” “sorry it hurt so much!” “i bet your trip to hawaii was so much fun!”
Anna recently posted..Basketball Player In the House
“I’m going to go shake a few coconuts off my palm tree” ROFLMAO!!! I love it!!!
WHAT?!?! Oh My Gosh I am just blown away. YOu are too much. I cannot stop laughing.
Miranda Grimm recently posted..Easy Way to Make Pom Poms
oh wow, so funny! I got a tattoo in college on my right butt cheek and the guy kept telling me to relax…..all while his face was literally a foot from my butt and I was terrified that I was going to pass gas. I feel your pain….literally. SO FUNNY
I have always said my crack starts at my shoulders. It caused me so much grief in high school when all I could find were “hip-hugger” jeans which left quite a bit of me to see. I still don’t know how to cope, the only thing that i do to help is wear jeans that go to my waist. *sigh* cute little fashions have never been for me. Atleast I’m not alone.
You are seriously hilarious…I can’t stop laughing about the coconuts!!!
That last line had me laughing so hard…